The Chicago Bears. The Monsters of the Midway. Their fans still live every day like this is 1985. Just look at how they dress. This is not 1985 though. Your cassette tape of the Super Bowl Shuffle is neither cool nor ironically cool. It’s just sad, like you, Chicago Bears fan. Here’s why the Chicago Bears suck.
Team: Chicago Bears
2013 record: 8-8
It’s almost as if they had a chance to win the NFC North in the final game of the season, playing at home…
Oh, that’s right. They’re the Chicago Bears. Not only do they suck, but they also like to choke in big games.
Coach: His name is Marc Trestman. He’s clearly an AIDs patient. Just take a look.
He’s also an offensive mastermind. Do you know who else was an offensive mastermind? Mike Martz. Guess what he couldn’t do. Just like Marc Trestman, he couldn’t coach defense. Could be why the Bears — historically known for their great defenses — were total shit on defense last season.
Maybe Trestman has too many AIDs in his brain to be able to formulate both offensive and defensive game plans. He will make old Cutty! look like a serviceable NFL quarterback though — one you’d pay a lot of money too. And that’s really all Bears management wants right now. Because they did pay that quarterback a lot of money, despite his most impressive career victory being the one over Kristin Cavallari’s vagina.
By the way, Martz never won a Super Bowl despite the presence of guys like Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce and Tory Holt. Marc Trestman does not even have that kind of talent at his disposal.
Quarterback: Cutty!, also known to some as Jay Cutler, quarterbacks the Chicago Bears. He consistently leads the league in area of chin and neck that is indiscernible between chin OR neck and doooooooon’t caaaaaaaaare.
Cutty! is your typical middle of the road NFL quarterback. He puts up slightly above-average stats, which are actually just good enough to keep him in a starting job. He’s never won a big game and, in fact, is probably the last guy you’d want quarterbacking your team with the game on the line. But hey, have you seen THAT ARM!? Huge arm, that Cutty! Can make all the throws!
Unfortunately, that huge arm has only gotten Jay Cutler one thing — a bigger shirt.
His mediocrity, on the other hand, landed Cutler a seven-year contract worth $126 million back in January. Of that, $54 million is guaranteed because, clearly, this is they guy that’s going to lead the Bears to the promised land.
Why the Chicago Bears Suck
First of all, they released their best defender, Julius Peppers, this offseason. He signed with the Packers. The Bears went and signed former Packers safety M.D. Jennings, who Green Bay renounced their rights to. So essentially, the Bears traded Peppers for Jennings.
That’s the kind of front office know how that keeps a team on top! Or at least in the middle…
The same kind of know how that makes you give $54 million guaranteed to Cutty!, who has turned in zero Pro Bowl seasons since coming to Chicago in 2009.
Anyway, about that defense. The Bears defensive line sucked so bad last season that they went out and replaced almost the entire group. Of course, they did that with a bunch of retreads. They signed Jared Allen, who the Vikings no longer wanted. The Vikings! They signed LaMarr Houston, who the Raiders — the team with the most salary cap space in the league — didn’t want back. Nothing strange there. They signed Jay Ratliff, who the Cowboys — the absolute worst defense in the NFL — didn’t want.
And, Chris Conte. See above.
Okay, here’s where they don’t suck
Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery, Matt Forte. I mean, just imagine if they played with Aaron Rodgers.
Top Five Chicago Bears Turds
5. M.D. Jennings — Yes, already. He better play as poorly for the Bears this year as he did for the Packers last year.
4. Brian Urlacher — Anyone with a barbed wire tattoo around their arm automatically qualifies for a list like this.
3. Jim Harbaugh — He was a dick when he played for the Bears and he’s a dick now.
2. William Perry — Has a mediocre fat fuck ever gotten more publicity in NFL history? I mean, you’d actually think he was a good player. He wasn’t. It’s just because Ditka gave him the ball as a running back in that game against the Packers.
1. 1980s Jim McMahon — Not be confused with 1990s Jim McMahon, who was both tolerable and played for the Packers. No, we’re talking about the Funky QB. Thank god for Charles Martin.