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Average Chicago Bears Player Talks Up Better Chicago Bears Player

Nothing like the Chicago Bears and their dipshit fans. Not quite as stupid and delusional as Minnesota Vikings fans, but pretty close.

For some reason — probably because their roster has slim pickings — the Bears offer up defensive end Akiem Hicks on a conference call to reporters. Most teams offer up, well, you know… an actual star player. Not a guy with 25 career sacks in seven frickin’ seasons. But then again, this is the Chicago Bears. It’s possible Hicks is one of like three guys that can actually speak intelligible words. You gotta put up who you can.

What did Hicks want to talk about on Wednesday? Nonsense.

The Bears traded for Khalil Mack over the weekend, beating out the Green Bay Packers for one of the best edge rushers in the game in the process. In typical fashion, Chicago Bears fans now think their team is somehow better than the Packers. It’s kind of like when they sent two first-round picks (and some other stuff) to the Broncos for Jay Cutler.

We heard the same refrain. How the Bears were going to beat the hell out of the Packers and go to the Super Bowl.

Well, here’s some news assholes. That wasn’t 1985 and neither is this, but you keep pretending it is. Eventually, it has to be 1985 again, right? Somehow. Some way.

Chicago Bears meme

So, Hicks… one of the few Bears who can speak intelligibly…

He wants to talk about Khalil Mack.

First, how the Packers can’t block him.

“I know those five guys can’t block Khalil Mack,” Hicks said.

Okay. Only one guy is going to have to block him, dumbass. That guy is right tackle Bryan Bulaga. Last time the Packers faced Mack? Two tackles, one of which was a sack. Not really taking the game over or dominating, huh?

And you know what? Line Mack up against David Bakhtiari and watch him get dominated. The Bears won’t do that, of course.

Hicks feels that Mack will give him more opportunities to have one-on-one matchups. Okay. Who cares? Have I mentioned 25 sacks in seven seasons up to this point. Impressive! You’re killing it, bro!

Here’s another pearl of wisdom.

“I think it affects guys when they come back from an injury, especially older guys like Bulaga,” Hicks said. “But I don’t think he had a chance to block Khalil Mack in the first place.”

Bryan Bulaga is one year older than Hicks…

Then there is this insightful bit of information, which Demovsky says Hicks ended his conference call with.

“You guys be great, and remember this: Khalil Mack, Khalil Mack, Khalil Mack, Khalil Mack.”

While Mack is going to play on Sunday, mind you he took part in his first practice this year on Wednesday.

The Packers are going to kill these assholes. I always love the optimism (delusion) coming from Chicago at this time of year, however. They’ll all be drowning themselves in Lake Michigan come October, though.

Mordecai Jones

Mordecai is a writer living in Los Angeles. He primarily writes screenplays, but also does crap like this because GREEN BAY PACKERS, baby!


1 Comment

  1. KILLER September 6, 2018

    Although I ignore most of the erroneous reporting on this site every once in a while I feel the need to step in and fix the mistakes. I can’t do it every time. That would be like making every little repair on a house built in 1505. Easier just to build a new one!

    Akiem Hicks seems to have lots of enthusiasm for the Mack acquisition. Good for him. Teams need enthusiasm. It’s a plus not a minus.

    Sure, this is smack talk to a degree. I understand… you’re insecure… feeling vulnerable… jealous you did not get Mack….

    So you strike back. Lash out. Hicks is an “Average” player. See, this just hurts your own credibility. Everyone knows he is not “Average”. Everyone but you. Unless you really are ignorant. Which you may well be but, if you’re not, then you’re a liar.

    Which is it? Ignorant or Liar?

    How good a player is depends on how they are right now. It also is not dependent usually on a singular statistic. Hicks is a RUN STOPPER, not a sack master. 6’5″, 334 pounds. He is the leader of the #10 defense in the NFL. He had 54 tackles last year and 54 tackles the year before. How is that for consistency? He had 8.5 sacks last year and 7 the year before. A 3-4 nose tackle type getting that many sacks is roughly equivalent to Clay Matthews getting 21 sacks in a year in his role as a pass rusher. Which Clay-mation has never done….

    In fact, Hicks’ 8.5 sacks last year is one more than Matthews had! And 1.5 more than Nick Perry! And several more than either Mike Daniels or Kenny Clark who faced more single teams.

    Just keep in mind, when you call Hicks “Average” (a false statement via lie or ignorance) you are, by extension, calling Matthews, Perry, Daniels, and Clark far below average.

    I admire and respect Hicks’ enthusiasm, honesty, and overall fun pluckiness.