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Darth Raider Probably Stole My Computer

Yeah. Who would think an Oakland Raiders fan would steal anything? But Darth Raider probably stole my laptop.

Here I was, a glorious night in Los Angeles, at the quintessential Los Angeles place — Jumbo’s Clown Room.

I had met a lady earlier that evening. We hit it off.

She was a redhead.


She also had a friend in town from New York. He was cool. Where should I take him? How should I show him L.A., she asked?

There’s only one answer to that question.

The Clown.

Unfortunately, I had been working on my laptop at a nearby restaurant when I met her. Still had the backpack, still had the laptop. And then, The Clown.

You can’t take a backpack into Jumbo’s. So it was confiscated by the doorman and placed… who knows?

I was unconcerned, as I was throwing dollar bills. Someone needs to put these girls through community college goddammit!

I left with my new friends, the doorman gave me my backpack back. I set it on the ground whilst making out with said red-headed attorney — yeah, I left that other part out on purpose initially — in front of the dude who was trying to take her home. I did the Dikembe Mutombo finger wag at him while at the bar, but he persisted.

Well, Deeeeeeeeeeez Nuts!

In this process, I set my backpack down, computer inside.

There were some threats by the loser of the evening and his four meathead friends. So I took my lady and walked down the street.

Forgot the backpack. I mean, drunk and unfocused. I knew I was getting an amazing piece of ass and hell, what else in the world matters then?

I eventually go back and look for it. Not there.

And then I start to get emails from Darth Raider:

Recently bought an apple laptop of someone. Think it belongs to you. Contact me asap.

Did I contact him? Yeeeeeesssss!

Gave him my number. Asked him to call me asap. Didn’t…

Later on that day, emailed asking him to call me again. The login on my laptop is password protected, so I’m pretty sure he can’t even use it if he actually bought it, which was explained.

I understand it has a lock. I will call you in a few.

Did he call? Nooooooooope!

I then explain that said computer has a lot of my business files on it and I’d really like to get it back. That this may not mean much to him, but it means something to me. And thankfully, I have been able to recover much of that — utilize the cloud, my friends. Only utilize the cloud. Local saves and backups are useless in an emergency. But here:

Bro. I spent 300 on a laptop I can’t use. If I didn’t care I  would have not e-mailed you to try and return it . all I’m doing is being righteous.. If I was a scumbag . this conversation would have never occurred.

I had never called him a scumbag or anything else derogatory, btw. But he was obviously unconcerned about this predicament. I then explained that I just wanted my property back, that he knew who supposedly sold my computer to him, that I would like to put that asshat in jail, that I would pay his $300 for said information and that if you’re paying $300 for a MacBook Pro, nothing could be amiss, right?

No response.

But here is his email address: [email protected]

I was only reminded of it because the Green Bay Packers play the Oakland Raiders tonight. I’m sure Darth Raider will be there. So feel free to barrage the motherfucker with emails while he’s at the game (or before and after).

I would appreciate it. Obviously I have a new computer, but I’d prefer the one that’s faster and that my woman bought for me.

And if you’d like to charge me $300 for stealing my shit, then so be it. I want the backpack back too, you loser.

Also, if the rest of you are ever in Los Angeles, Jumbo’s Clown Room should be No. 1 on the list. Trust me…

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. PF4L August 24, 2018

    So playa…..what woman bought the laptop, the amazing piece of ass redhead attorney you met that night? I’d imagine she’s a size 5, insatiable with nymphomania tendencies amirite? Or your woman?

    Fucking cool story though bro….a similar thing happened to me at Chuckee Cheese the other day, i was playin skee-ball, and this dude tried stealin my prize tickets. so i said to this guy, I don’t play that fucking game homie. So me and this dude start arguing and it gets close to me throwin hands, then he runs off. Next thing i know, here comes his Mommy. She ask me what the problem is explaining that he’s a 12 years boy. I quickly adjusted my attitude and apologized, not because i was sorry, but because she was smoking fucking hot. Next thing you know i’m buying them lunch, getting to know her. Her Mother is a BLM attorney, but she works part time at Popeye’s on 24th and North, she wasn’t a redhead that day, but she said she could be one if i gave her a ride home. Anyway, i got her digits but i had to jet, maybe another day. If anyone is at that Popeye’s, tell Laquisha that PF4L says hi. She’ll know.

    1. Icebowl August 25, 2018

      Lmao…. Can’t stop laughing, PF4….
      That’s a keeper with many fine quotes that will need to be utilized in comments throughout the coming season….

    2. moolla August 25, 2018

      I so wish this was true…

      1. PF4L August 26, 2018

        Yea…i don’t know how the thief got his e-mail address.

        1. Icebowl August 26, 2018

          Stop it dude – you’re killing me……