Ted Thompson’s Cold, Dead Body Will Be In Draft Room
I mean, sure it will. Or so they say.
Has anyone seen former Green Bay Packers’ general manager Ted Thompson anywhere lately? At the combine? At the Senior Bowl? IN GREEN BAY?
Look, we know the guy is no socialite, but is Ted Thompson still alive?
Perhaps one of the great blunders — and there are many — of Ginger Gap Tooth’s very existence (forgoing plastic surgery or dental work… ???) is he let Ted Thompson be general manager of the Green Bay Packers even after he knew Ted Thompson was dead.
Ginger Gap Tooth: Shit, have you guys seen that movie Weekend At Bernie’s?
Gutes: Great flick, Alfred! One of my all-time faves, brah!
GGT: Okay, we’ve got a situation on our hands. Ted is fucking dead! He’s been dead for four goddam days! You guys didn’t smell the stench from the hallway? Your offices are closer than mine!
Fat Mike: I really like this gravy. Craft services — they really outdid themselves this time [gnaws on a piece of fried chicken covered in gravy].
Eliot Wolf: Awwww, sheeet, Al, does that mean I get to be GM?
GGT: Really, this fucker is dead. What do we do with the body? Someone come up with a plan!
Wolf: Well, why don’t you come up with a plan, homey?! I goin’ over to Anduzzi’s! I got bitches to slay, yo!
GGT: What? Me worry?
Fat Mike: Okay, hear me out, Al. We cover him in gravy and then dump him in my barbecue pit. I promise I won’t eat him until after he’s cooked. I won’t even cover him in gravy until then [gnaws on gravy-covered celery stick].
GGT: You Fat Bastard, get your mind off gravy! This is a real situation!
Fat Mike: But I like gravy!
GGT: Coach the team, you fat fuck. Go down to Anduzzi’s with Wolf!
Fat Mike: Listen, [lobs chicken wings into his mouth, swallows, bone in, covered in gravy, chews], the day you tell me what to do… [coughs repeatedly, falls down, pounds chest, gets up]… I’ll see you at Kroll’s later. Just a minor heart attack.
GGT: Man, what do I have left besides this gap in my front teeth you could drive a fucking semi through? I can’t dispose of this body by myself. And Ted won’t fit in the gap!
[Walks into Gutekunst’s office, who sits there, feat on desk, tossing popcorn into his mouth, laughing, watching Weekend At Bernie’s 2]
Gutes: Aw, shit, chief! I… I… I… was scouting this safety prospect from Long Beach State Correctional Institution. Ted REALLY liked him. Would be a great undrafted free agent for us to get!
[Weekend At Bernie’s 2 continues to play on the TV, Gutes oblivious, but eventually looks over. With wide eyes…]
Gutes: Oh, Jonathan Silverman himself told me this is the better of the two films.
GGT: Shit, you know Jonathan Silverman? Who wants to be my next general manager!?
Gutes: I do! I do!
GGT: Okay, your only qualification for this job is that, 1. you have to not be Ted Thompson. Are you Ted Thompson, Gutes McGoots? My little Gutey Mcfooty?
[Here’s where Ginger Gap Tooth grabs Gute’s cheeks, caresses them like your grandfather might do if you were a 10-year-old girl with fat cheeks. Have you ever had your cheeks caressed by someone who looked like Ginger Gap Tooth? Is there a sharp knife near me?]
Gutes: I’m not! [in a high pitched-voice, claps hands excitedly].
GGT: Can you help me get rid of Ted’s body?
Gutes: Of course! [in a high pitched-voice, claps hands excitedly].
GGT: Okay, you’re obviously qualified for this job. You’re in!
[Gutes again claps hands excitedly while squealing like a schoolgirl].
GGT: Okay, we just have to pretend he’s alive until after the draft. Then we can have him thrown in this hole I have being dug up in Mountain. No one will ever find him there. And they don’t ask any questions, either. As long as you’re not a Flynn or a Rushton or a Davis, no one cares.
Gutes: I’m none of those things. What are those things?
GGT: Shut your mouth, dummy! The point is, you prop Uncle Ted up in that draft room and you tell everyone he’s propped up there… wait, no… that he’s still alive and involved in the process and then we bury that fucker. Got it?
GGT: Ted is involved with your decision making! And who wants to be my general manager?
Gutes: I do! I do!
It was a roundabout way of saying this, but I enjoyed it…
Gutekunst says his predecessor Ted Thompson has been very much involved in the pre-draft process and will be in the #Packers' draft room.
— Zachary Jacobson (@ZachAJacobson) April 23, 2018