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Ted Thompson’s Cold, Dead Body Will Be In Draft Room

I mean, sure it will. Or so they say.

Has anyone seen former Green Bay Packers’ general manager Ted Thompson anywhere lately? At the combine? At the Senior Bowl? IN GREEN BAY?

Look, we know the guy is no socialite, but is Ted Thompson still alive?

Perhaps one of the great blunders — and there are many — of Ginger Gap Tooth’s very existence (forgoing plastic surgery or dental work… ???) is he let Ted Thompson be general manager of the Green Bay Packers even after he knew Ted Thompson was dead.

Ginger Gap Tooth: Shit, have you guys seen that movie Weekend At Bernie’s?

Gutes: Great flick, Alfred! One of my all-time faves, brah!

GGT: Okay, we’ve got a situation on our hands. Ted is fucking dead! He’s been dead for four goddam days! You guys didn’t smell the stench from the hallway? Your offices are closer than mine!

Fat Mike: I really like this gravy. Craft services — they really outdid themselves this time [gnaws on a piece of fried chicken covered in gravy].

Eliot Wolf: Awwww, sheeet, Al, does that mean I get to be GM?

GGT: Really, this fucker is dead. What do we do with the body? Someone come up with a plan!

Wolf: Well, why don’t you come up with a plan, homey?! I goin’ over to Anduzzi’s! I got bitches to slay, yo!

GGT: What? Me worry?

[Mrah, Mrah]

Fat Mike: Okay, hear me out, Al. We cover him in gravy and then dump him in my barbecue pit. I promise I won’t eat him until after he’s cooked. I won’t even cover him in gravy until then [gnaws on gravy-covered celery stick].

GGT: You Fat Bastard, get your mind off gravy! This is a real situation!

Fat Mike: But I like gravy!

GGT: Coach the team, you fat fuck. Go down to Anduzzi’s with Wolf!

Fat Mike: Listen, [lobs chicken wings into his mouth, swallows, bone in, covered in gravy, chews], the day you tell me what to do… [coughs repeatedly, falls down, pounds chest, gets up]… I’ll see you at Kroll’s later. Just a minor heart attack.

GGT: Man, what do I have left besides this gap in my front teeth you could drive a fucking semi through? I can’t dispose of this body by myself. And Ted won’t fit in the gap!

[Walks into Gutekunst’s office, who sits there, feat on desk, tossing popcorn into his mouth, laughing, watching Weekend At Bernie’s 2]

Gutes: Aw, shit, chief! I… I… I… was scouting this safety prospect from Long Beach State Correctional Institution. Ted REALLY liked him. Would be a great undrafted free agent for us to get!

[Weekend At Bernie’s 2 continues to play on the TV, Gutes oblivious, but eventually looks over. With wide eyes…]

Gutes: Oh, Jonathan Silverman himself told me this is the better of the two films.

GGT: Shit, you know Jonathan Silverman? Who wants to be my next general manager!?

Gutes: I do! I do!

GGT: Okay, your only qualification for this job is that, 1. you have to not be Ted Thompson. Are you Ted Thompson, Gutes McGoots? My little Gutey Mcfooty?

[Here’s where Ginger Gap Tooth grabs Gute’s cheeks, caresses them like your grandfather might do if you were a 10-year-old girl with fat cheeks. Have you ever had your cheeks caressed by someone who looked like Ginger Gap Tooth? Is there a sharp knife near me?]

Gutes: I’m not! [in a high pitched-voice, claps hands excitedly].

GGT: Can you help me get rid of Ted’s body?

Gutes: Of course! [in a high pitched-voice, claps hands excitedly].

GGT: Okay, you’re obviously qualified for this job. You’re in!

[Gutes again claps hands excitedly while squealing like a schoolgirl].

GGT: Okay, we just have to pretend he’s alive until after the draft. Then we can have him thrown in this hole I have being dug up in Mountain. No one will ever find him there. And they don’t ask any questions, either. As long as you’re not a Flynn or a Rushton or a Davis, no one cares.

Gutes: I’m none of those things. What are those things?

GGT: Shut your mouth, dummy! The point is, you prop Uncle Ted up in that draft room and you tell everyone he’s propped up there… wait, no… that he’s still alive and involved in the process and then we bury that fucker. Got it?

GGT: Ted is involved with your decision making! And who wants to be my general manager?

Gutes: I do! I do!

It was a roundabout way of saying this, but I enjoyed it…

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Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

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10 Comments

  1. PF4L April 24, 2018

    What will be interesting, is to see if he can dodge all the reporters. Maybe come into the war room 3 hours early, leave 2 hours after the round is over.

    Not sure what would be more entertaining, the draft or Ted being questioned by the press. I’ll take both.

  2. Bobby D April 24, 2018

    Dead Tead’s corpse will be gurgling out something that sounds like “trade down” We can get a few more 6’s and 7’s.

  3. Cheese April 24, 2018

    The more things “change,” the more they stay the same. “Getting rid” of Ted was just a publicity stunt. Gap Tooth neutered the GM position so he can babysit the Packers front office and pretend like everything is A-ok. Ted will be very much involved in holding Gutekunst’s hand during the draft process. Gutes is pretty much just TT’s mouthpiece. A pacifier for the fans.

  4. CZ April 24, 2018

    LOL

  5. FTS April 25, 2018

    Gold jacket, Green jacket. Who gives a sh*t…

  6. Kato April 25, 2018

    This is kind of fucked up. Cannibalism? Really? Making fun of someone that probably has dementia is kind of fucked up. If you are going to criticize anyone, criticize Murphy

  7. PF4L April 25, 2018

    Well….Ted may suffer from Dementia, and he may not, it’s all conjecture at this point.

    I’m not going to stop making fun of someone unless i know for a fact something is wrong.

    If….there is something wrong with Ted, the Packers are well aware of it and they are finally being honest about with themselves this year. So until the Packers are honest with us with us about ted, everyone in upper management can go fuck themselves.

    They are a publicly held team, their code of silence ( like signing McCarthy) and overall arrogant posture is bullshit.

    If people knew something was wrong with Ted (not rumor), i’m sure people would be more sensitive about it.

    Getting a free ride through the years as the team gets setback years without accountability…. is fucking unacceptable to me, and it pisses me off. This organization feels like it doesn’t have to answer to anyone, but, they sure want your cash.

    1. Bobby D April 25, 2018

      Fucking A!!!

    2. r.duke April 25, 2018

      Hit them as hard as you can….this five year fuck-up in motion while listening to the ” company” line gets a bit tiring. Put Ted in charge of the newbies; show them where to get the three-part barrel of popcorn that Wolf liked to chomp on and maybe a couple of Dews to wake up mac carthy. Maintain the anger, disappointment, delusional thinking, depression, displacement, upset stomach and rectal itch light a collective fire under tedakunst and company.

  8. PF4L April 25, 2018

    TY Bobby…

    Sorry for the messed up grammar, when i come in here on a different computer without adblock, two things happen. My post gets all fucked up and i lose my mind.

    I can’t see how anyone could come in here without installing that program, i don’t have the patience.