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If that useless sack of bones, Ted Thompson, would just stop pretending he’s senile and get the hell out of town, we wouldn’t need to deal with any of this.

But old Ginger Gap Tooth would never have that. Big Ted is my boy until he shits himself at the conference table!

That’s the word from Mark Murphy!

And let’s be clear. Ted would probably have to shit himself at the conference table at least seven times. The first four of those times, GGT would clean him up himself and then roll him back into the room and, with excited face, “so who are we gonna draft this year, Teddy?!”

Ted Thompson needs to go.

One potential replacement is former Kansas City Chiefs’ GM (and former Packers’ director of football operations) John Dorsey.

For whatever screwed-up reason — a power struggle with fat man Andy Reid seems to be the prevailing theory — Dorsey was let go by the Chiefs during this past summer. Odd timing for a GM dismissal, for sure.

But he’ll be back.


Hopefully, not with the Cleveland Browns.

I can’t even say the Jacksonville Jaguars are the NFL’s JV team anymore. They have a JV quarterback, but boy, that defense…

No, the Cleveland Browns are the only JV team in the NFL. I kind of wish it was like the English Premier League, where the losiest losers got sent down a division. The Browns do not belong in the NFL.

Sorry, Jim. Sorry, Paul.

You had your years. This franchise needs to be lit on fire and burned to the ground.

You know, unless John Dorsey can resurrect them. That’s what the old Browneyes are looking at.

They fired VP or whatever Sashi Brown on Thursday. Brown was an analytics guy and that shit seems to work in baseball (except when it doesn’t Dave Roberts, you fucking prick, why did you pull Rich Hill in the fifth!), but it hasn’t quite got it done in football.

John Dorsey is an old-school guy. Ron Wolf. Big Ted.

Okay, sorry, the latter guy made one good draft pick and has been skating on that ever since.

But Ron Wolf.

Dorsey has been vetted. He’s probably going to be offered the job. He’ll probably take it.

Because, think about it. If you are the GM who is able to turn around this sad sack of shit team that doesn’t even deserve to be in the NFL, you’re going into the Hall of Fame.

However, we will give you caution, John Dorsey. One of our all-time favorites, The Walrus himself, Mike Holmgren, once tried to take on this task. And due to the nature of the Browns and the truck-stop piece of shit that owns them, The Walrus is Paul.

Mordecai Jones

Mordecai is a writer living in Los Angeles. He primarily writes screenplays, but also does crap like this because GREEN BAY PACKERS, baby!



  1. Big B December 7, 2017

    If TT’s contract really runs through the 2018 season and draft, then a GM decision needs to be made by next summer. You can have a lame duck coach, but not a lame duck GM- everything at that level is a year ahead. We are stuck with TT making selections in the 2018 draft BUT there’s no way he would pick in ’19, then leave. No, a decision about GM going forward has to be made in the spring of next year: evaluation, scouting, spring ball, etc all start up for the upcoming year. I expect Murphy will promote from within, so hopefully some young blood is chosen as GM in waiting, TT makes one final futile attempt to draft defensive standouts, then the transition begins. I pray MM doesn’t take the easy way out and extend TT- for once, he needs to make a football decision. It better be the right one.

    1. Shawn December 7, 2017

      TT has had one good pick? Do you even watch the Packers, Mordecai?
      The Browns getting Dorsey is a solid move.

      1. Kato December 7, 2017

        I was thinking the same thing myself. I mean, he hasn’t had all that great of drafts lately. But Nick Collins? He might have been a hall of fame player had his career not ended prematurely. TJ Lang and Josh Sitton were pretty good. Bahktiari? Probably top two or three left tackle in football, which is an incredibly hard position to pick. See for example, all the left tackles taken at the top of the draft that busted out in the past five years. Ditto for Jordy Nelson.

  2. Kato December 7, 2017

    And it’s official. Dorsey is the new GM of the Browns

  3. eugene December 9, 2017

    Mordecai Jones? Is he that slobbering drunk on the floor at the other end of the bar?