A Requiem for Ask Vic

Well, I guess we’re guilty of not noticing and thus, not giving a shit. And you can understand how that might be because we’re referring to Packers.com, where 90 percent, well… I’m being generous. A solid 95 to 99 percent of the content is throwaway, organization-approved garbage.

Other than the obvious stench of corporate rectitude, we have actual knowledge that Packers president Mark Murphy — old Ginger Gap Tooth, himself — has his nose in everything produced by the site. If there was ever a micro-manager from hell, it was Mark Murphy. And, I mean, look at the guy, he’s clearly from either the fourth or eighth circle of hell.

But anyway, the Packers have apparently decided to phase out our old pal Vic Ketchman — the only guy on staff who was possibly more fuddy-duddy than GGT, himself. You might remember him from a column called Ask Vic, where Vic, our boy, would answer fan questions that were certainly not made up.

He would answer them in his folksy, non-offensive style that would definitely not cross the company line. Because Vic was a pro, goddammit! A toeing-the-line pro who toiled for corporate NFL interests for more than four frickin’ decades!

Yeah, ain’t shittin’.

Ketchman, who I literally thought was named Ketchum up until the moment I started researching this post, worked for the Pittsburgh Steelers from 1972-94, the Jacksonville Jaguars from 1995-2011 and the Packers since then.

There have been rumors about good old Uncle Vic and why he left a job or two, but we won’t get into those. There have been accusations that Uncle Vic was a homer when in Jacksonville. Don’t really care all that much.

We’ve always been curious why the Packers hired him, though. What does this guy know about the history of the team? What is his connection and why is he fit for this job?

Really, the only answer is because he was able to be GGT’s shill. Probably without much instruction, considering his glorious history and experience in being a team shill. Uncle Vic was a team shill before the NFL even considered rolling out league and team “news” websites.

If you’re unaware, I hate to burst your bubble. An entity that reports news on itself, news written by people who are employed by that entity is not really news at all. It’s a series of press releases disguised as “news” for people who don’t know any better.

Uncle Vic actually started Ask Vic when he was with the Jaguars. And by golly, it was just so special that he had to bring it to Green Bay.

In reality, the initial version of Ask Vic was designed to educate Jaguars fans, who you can imagine, are idiots. The Packers’ version of Ask Vic didn’t push the envelope anymore. A column for dumbasses who know nothing about the inner workings of the NFL or the Green Bay Packers.

Did Uncle Vic find an audience?

Honestly, no idea. Some of the questions seemed so scripted it’s like GGT wrote them up himself. That certainly suggests no audience.

Vic inspired a certain level of dislike, however.

I mean, how many team columnists get a “Fire [This Guy]” Facebook page?

So, apparently, much to our ignorance, but sure disdain, the Packers decided they were going to phase out Ask Vic. They replaced the name with something called “Insider Inbox.”

Unfortunately, that also went unnoticed here because, well, who gives a flying fuck?!

The design of this venture, from what we gather, was to phase out Uncle Vic and bring in young hotshots Wes Hodkiewicz, who we only know because he briefly worked for the Press-Gazette, and some guy named Mike. Last name unknown.

They will surely bring the corporate website entity owned by the very company that they report on into the new century. No more 70s Steelers’ crap! No more Jaguars’ Ask Vic homerism! Only the finest journalism possible while reporting on the very corporation that employs you! Which is going to be fine, fine journalism!

But hey, this isn’t about those sellouts. This is a tribute to our main man, Uncle Vic!

So, for example, here are some fine sentiments from his retirement announcement column.

This first one, which actually led off the column, in no way could possibly be illegitimate. I mean, in no frickin’ way whatsoever!

Derek from Eau Claire, WI

Vic, it has been approximately one year since the “Insider Inbox” launched. Can you reflect on the year for you personally and for the inbox?

It’s been a year of transition, and now the transition is complete. Next week, I will write my final column for packers.com. “Ask Vic” fully will become “Insider Inbox.” It will belong completely to Mike and Wes. I give everyone this one-week warning so we might use next week’s column to give “Ask Vic” a proper farewell. Let’s make next week’s column about memories, not plays. Let’s reach down inside ourselves and find the riches “Ask Vic” has provided during the last six-and-a-half years. What has it been for you? For me, it’s been everything.

Hell fucking yeah! Thank god we have been given proper warning to give Ask Vic a proper farewell!

Oh, man, I just farted.

I think that’s a proper farewell. Derek from Eau Claire…

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Here’s another gem.

Lonny from Aberdeen, SD

Tell us a football story we haven’t heard before.

It’s from very early in my career. I was walking with a couple of coaches back to the dormitory from lunch at training camp. One of the coaches noticed a player walking ahead of us who had been cut by the team a few days earlier. He called to the player to stop, which he did. The coach asked the player why he was still there. The player’s answer left an indelible mark on me. He said, “I have nowhere to go.” That’s the moment I realized training camp isn’t for the star players, it’s for the desperate dreamers. It’s for the players who have nowhere else to go. I have always looked for them, sought them out and their stories. I can still remember some of their names and the stories I wrote. I had this conversation with Donald Driver a few years ago, and he recalled having been one of those players. What a great story he wrote. It’s the story of human confrontation. If you want to find the true meaning of professional football, look for the human confrontation. Find the desperation and you’ll find meaning in what you’re watching.

Hey, Lonny — like that’s the best name you could come up with? How about “John” or “Brad?” No one names their kid Lonny these days. Unless they want the child to be abused.

So, listen, here’s a story you’ve never heard. One time, against the Bears, Aaron Rodgers crapped his pants just before he walked on the field. He was so embarrassed and the game was about to start, he just walked around — and played — with poopy pants the whole time. Threw five touchdowns with shit-filled drawers.

That’s a hell of a story, hey Lonny? Not true at all, but boy, I just told you a story!

How about this?

Eric from Stramproy, The Netherlands

Your Packers legacy has now been defined. You will forever be remembered. How about that?

You’ve made me feel warm inside. Packers fans are good at that. No fan base has a better memory.

First of all, there is no such town.

So when you’re making up people from towns, stick to the basics next time. Jim from Oshkosh. Lori from Milwaukee. Tim from Madison.

Second of all, you clearly wrote this question yourself, Uncle Vic.

I mean, when announcing your second-to-last column, there just happened to be someone praising your legacy? From a made-up place?

Vicky… come on.

Steve from Preston, UK

The incredible readership of the “Insider” column was mentioned. What kind of numbers are we talking? Do you keep score between the three of you? What was the highest readership number recorded and when was it?

I don’t have that information in front of me. What I can tell you is I remember two games being seminal moments in “Ask Vic” history. The first occurred in 2004 in Jacksonville, following a thrilling Sunday night game between the Steelers and Jaguars. Steelers fans took over the Jacksonville stadium, renaming Jacksonville Jacksonburgh, and Jaguars fans exploded my inbox the next day with Steeler hate. I’ve often referred to that column as the day “Ask Vic” was born. I have a feeling you can guess what the other game is. Yep, it’s the “Fail Mary.” By the time the plane landed in Green Bay, my inbox was beyond management. Insomnia was Wisconsin’s No. 1 health problem in the wee hours of Sept. 25, 2012. That was the day “Ask Vic” was born in Green Bay.

Well, this is delightful.

“I don’t know what Google Analytics is or how to use it. New technology and changing times frighten me!”

And look, we give no shits about Steelers fans taking over that dump in Jacksonville with that JV team — by the way, you worked for one of the NFL’s JV teams. That’s what they deserve. The team sucks and their fans suck worse. If you’re mad about another team’s fans invading your stadium, buy goddam tickets to the game!

And finally, let’s just be clear. Ask Vic was never born in Green Bay.

We all got a traffic boost after that game. It sucked. People were pissed. You’re not special. Your damn inbox doesn’t matter. The only reason it was full is because everyone knows your email address.

I actually asked Ron Wolf what he thought about Ted Thompson’s tepid or non-reaction to the outcome of that game. He told me that he didn’t want to comment on another general manager’s thought process, which to me was just as damning as saying Ted was a nitwit.

My guess is Ron Wolf would have raised hell after that game. And I’ve often wondered if Vic actually ever knew who Ron Wolf was.

He definitely didn’t ask the question or publish any sort of answers we’d be interested in.

We’re sure Wes and Mike will do so much better, though.

I mean, really confident.