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The Minnesota Vikings Are Slaughtering Animals

We’ve long known what a bunch of scumbags the Minnesota Vikings are. And that’s the thing about the Minnesota Vikings — they somehow continue to defy conventional logic and live up to every stereotype we hoist upon them.

Their fans, their team, their city.

I read this headline this week: U.S. Bank Stadium is a bird killing machine

You’ll know U.S. Bank Stadium is it’s made-up corporate name. It’s proper name — The Hormel Chili Dome.

And who plays at Hormel Chili? The Minnesota Chilistains.


Despite all warnings, the Vikings went ahead with a stadium design that was going to kill all kinds of birds.

I mean, this may seem inconceivable, but step back and consider who we’re talking about here.

The Minnesota Vikings.

The lowliest of the low, the dumbest of the dumb, the most inbred shitheels that they somehow still allow to be in the NFL, the fans of which represent the sheep-screwing population of North America…

I could go on.

And I will…

The least-championship-having, Hamm’s-swilling joke of the Midwest that are cheered on by the Chili-stained assholes of America… Oh, did I go off on a tangent there?

I was definitively talking about the Minnesota Vikings, who kill animals.

They kill birds.

Why do they kill birds?

Because, like the Vikings themselves, the people who built their Hormel Chili Haven are just as incompetent as they are.

That glass shithouse reflects light. What does reflected light look like?

Like a mirror!

Which everyone except the fucking dimwits who run the Minnesota Vikings apparently realize!

And so birds run into it… and die.

Just flying to the lake over there… BAM!




Unless you’re not associated with the turd of the NFL that is the Minnesota Vikings or the turd of America that is the Minneapolis.

I mean, then you might have realized that completely obvious thing.

Minnesota taxpayers paid $1 billion for this tribute to Hormel and Vikings owner Groucho Marx, by the way. Not that they have any sense whatsoever as evidenced by… well… any and everything.

Incompetence on the football field, incompetence off the football field: your Minnesota Vikings.

Mordecai Jones

Mordecai is a writer living in Los Angeles. He primarily writes screenplays, but also does crap like this because GREEN BAY PACKERS, baby!


1 Comment

  1. shawn March 3, 2017

    Or to paraphrase the best part of THE CROW – “CAW! CAW! BAM! OH FUCK! I’M DEAD!”