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Damarious Randall is an Inattentive Bag of Shit

As if a bag of shit could be any other way, right? A bag of shit, by nature of it being a bag of shit, has no attention span.

It literally cannot pay attention, lest it suddenly stop being a bag of shit and become an actual human being.

So, Damarious Randall, cornerback for the Green Bay Packers…

We’ve seen this assclown get worked over and over again this season. By Stefon Diggs, by Marvin Jones, by whatever third-tier receiver the Chicago Bears threw out there against him on Sunday.

What I had failed to realize was that Randall actually got benched for a time against the Bears on Sunday. And shit, I wasn’t even drunk!

It isn’t as if things were just skating by me unnoticed as I sat in a haze plotting my latest vagina acquisition. The mind was sharp!

That said, we all know the Packers’ secondary played like butt against the Bears. Maybe we were all hesitant to blame it on Randall because that has really become too easy.

And remember, we were deluding ourselves into thinking that health was a factor here. That the Packers’ secondary just needed to be healthy, 100 percent, and that was the answer.


Damarious Randall is just an inattentive bag of shit who can’t do his job.

Listen to this, from Big Fat Mike himself.

“I think we, when we sit down and watch the tape with him, there’s things that he’ll learn from,” McCarthy said. “So, there’s times where you want coverage … there’s a reason why you have alignments and assignments on everything on offense, defense and special teams, and we need to be more detailed.”

That’s damning.

That’s Big Fat Mike saying that not only is this guy not doing his job, but he isn’t even executing his basic assignment.

Derpy, derpy, derp, derp, derp…

This is what I remember most from Randall’s Sunday performance — getting run over by some guy named Bellamy on the way to the end zone like a fucking bitch.

For those of you who don’t get that reference — and let’s be honest, unless you’re black and over 40, you have no idea — the guy’s name was not actually Bill Bellamy. It was Josh Bellamy.

The point was, he’s an inconsequential dude. A won’t-be-in-the-league-a-year-from-now kinda dude. An guy who doesn’t matter, trucking our supposed No. 1 CB.

Maybe Randall should play for the Chicago Bears. You can be a defensive back on that team and regularly give up huge plays that screw the season entirely… or at least the game.

Remember, it was Damarious Randall who was almost singularly responsible for those aforementioned dicks — Diggs and Jones — having career days against the Packers earlier in the season.

And now they’re on tap again in the final two weeks.

Damarious Randall and his shitbaggery may just be the most important factor for the Packers’ season at this point.

Let’s be honest. He’s a first-round draft pick. Shitty or not, the Packers will keep sending him out there. And they don’t have a choice with Sam Shields’ career effectively over. At least this year…

Damarious, buck up and be a Green Bay Packer or go ahead and press that cold, steel hole to your temple and pull the fucking trigger.

Mordecai Jones

Mordecai is a writer living in Los Angeles. He primarily writes screenplays, but also does crap like this because GREEN BAY PACKERS, baby!



  1. Yolo7 December 19, 2016

    Geez you take this shit seriously don’t you?
    It’s fucking Christmas for Christs sake !
    Kill himself? Hehe you must make a fun neighbor Mordy

    1. Chad Lundberg December 19, 2016

      This site really makes me sick sometimes. I really don’t get why they act like this game is actually worth a damn. It’s just Football people, just a fucking game. If you’re not having fun watching it, then why are you even bothering to do so?

  2. PF4L December 19, 2016

    Whooaaaa dude…..shoot himself in the head?

    Wow….i can see saying that to a certain viking fan, but only to put her out of her misery. That’s more of a caring humanitarian thing.

  3. Sanguine camper December 19, 2016

    Lighten up people. I think he was being sarcastic. Randall is a bust but he should live long and prosper.

    1. PF4L December 19, 2016

      I think he was being angry, but ok.

  4. Yolo7 December 19, 2016

    Maybe I was being sarcastic as well.
    IN fact I was

    1. Chad Lundberg December 19, 2016

      Let’s make jokes about suicide, and while we’re at it, why not rape jokes too?! YAY!

      Making such statements are truly undefendable, especially considering this isn’t the first time I’ve come across this kind of talk on this site. Seriously, you guys are almost never happy and love bringing down everyone’s parade.

      1. Kato December 20, 2016


      2. PF4L December 20, 2016

        So…this chick walks into a biker bar, dressed in a weathered old black mini skirt, and a too small bikini top with her boobies poppin out….ya know, she was asking for it……..

  5. Nerd December 19, 2016

    Dude Bill Bellamy was a stand up comedian in the 90s. lol

  6. PF4L December 19, 2016
    1. Empacador December 20, 2016

      Lacy never looked like that. Just saying, where’s the wrath of McCarthy when it comes to the defense and calling out players?

      1. PF4L December 20, 2016

        I was thinking those exact thoughts.

  7. Howard December 19, 2016

    Discussing the reasons for Randall’s poor play, and unwillness to play physical is appropriate. This article offers nothing to further that discussion.

  8. Mike Ditka's Mom December 19, 2016

    Except when he’s makings plays. Way to shit on a player and a person you’ll never have to meet or get the chance to say that his face. You’re a grade A piece of shit, you know that? You don’t deserve to call yourself a Packer fan.

  9. Kato December 20, 2016

    I guess it’s a good thing Davante Adams never shot himself

  10. TyKo Steamboat December 20, 2016

    Yea the 4-game win streak was kind, sorta because of this guy

    He kinda, sorta kicked Russel Wilson’s ass. Randall is a good corner


  11. ay hombre December 20, 2016

    Randall is a one contract player. Dumbass was in the car with his homie smoking a fattie after a pretty good rookie year. Mark my words. He’s going to mess up off the field. The erratic inconsistencies are part of something bigger in my opinion.

    Buck up dude. Or get some help. Whatever it is you need. Do it.

  12. PF4L December 20, 2016

    Russel Wilson kicked Russel Wilson’s ass.