Can we channel some Denny Green here? They are who we thought they were?
There’s really no question mark there and unfortunately, I’m not referring to the Chicago Bears. I’m referring to the Green Bay Packers.
The Packers did what they have consistently done under Mike McCarthy. They beat a bad team. And this was a considerably worse team when Bears’ quarterback Brain Hoyer left with an arm injury in the first half.
That forced the Bears to go with third-string quarterback Matt Barkley and, well, guess what? The Packers’ defense was able to shut down the 1-5 Chicago Bears’ third best quarterback.
So they were bad to begin with. They were probably college-level for two-thirds of the evening.
Congratulations, guys! Good job!
Look, it’s a win and those are clearly not going to be easy to come by for the Packers this year. So we’ll take that.
But you know and I know, this is nothing to get excited about.
On paper, Aaron Rodgers had himself a nice game. On paper, that’s about the only place Aaron Rodgers has a nice game these days. Rodgers was 38-for-56 — fifty-fucking-six! — for 326 yards, three touchdowns and no interceptions.
Much like last week, when Rodgers threw for 294 yards, that was largely an aberration.
Rodgers, as we have grown accustomed to, fumbled away a touchdown to the Bears early in the third quarter. Way to go, Fumbly!
He also averaged — pretty much as we predicted — a pathetic 5.8 per attempt. That’s even worse than his 26th-ranked (before the game) 6.5 per attempt.
What do you think Rodgers' yards per attempt will be tonight? 3? 4 yards? Impressive!!
The things Rodgers did do well — for a change — was throw in rhythm and make the tough throws. Rodgers didn’t always throw in rhythm. He did plenty of his usual dancing around, holding onto the ball act. He did, however, throw the ball quickly and as the play was designed enough.
That’s when the Packers’ passing offense works best.
Rodgers also threw the ball into tight coverage. That’s something he has been loathe to do. Perhaps he finally understands Mike McCarthy is going to give him a shit offensive scheme to work with.
That scheme is simple. Receivers are placed in isolation. They are expected to beat man-to-man coverage. There are literally maybe five receivers in the entire NFL who can regularly beat man-to-man coverage in this day and age.
As such, this shitty scheme requires the quarterback to either make quick throws or to force the ball into tight coverage. Rodgers actually did both on Thursday night, i.e. his fucking job.
The difference maker was the guy you see above, though.
Because of their top-down buffoonery, the Packers were forced to use Ty Montgomery as their primary tailback. He also appeared to be the only guy who actually wanted to win a goddam football game for most of the night.
Montgomery carried nine times for 60 yards and caught 10 for 66. That’s 126 total yards on offense, if you’re lacking in the math department.
More impressively, Montgomery was able to run through guys and push tacklers for extra yards. Kind of like the guy Fat Mike and Big Ted ruined through their gravy-headed stupidity, Eddie Lacy.
Somehow, Davante Adams — or as you know him, Dropvante — also had a night. That useless bag of crap went for 13, 132 and two touchdowns. We’re just going to chalk that up to the terribleness of the Bears’ secondary though.
This will literally NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
And if it wasn’t for Randall Cobb having just learned how to play receiver yesterday, the Packers might actually have had more points. And that’s totally unfathomable, since they just put up 26.
In the end, the Packers did enough. Their defense held the worst team in the division and their backup-backup quarterback to 189 total yards. The Packers’ offense feasted on a whole lot of ineptitude. In fact, let’s state it as the obvious — the Packers’ offense finally found someone WAY more inept than they are.
Not even the Buffoon himself, through all of his buffoonery, could stop the Packers from winning this game.