Yeah, we’re going to label NFL preseason games with BS from now on. Because that’s what they are. We hate them. The players hate them. You hate them.
Nonetheless, the shitbags at the NFL will perpetrate these games on us for the foreseeable future.
So, bullshit game three…
For this supposed “dress rehearsal” of the NFL preseason… the one in which Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers actually played TWO SERIES, this was as close as we’d get to an actual game.
Here’s the thing. Rodgers was 6-of-9 for 60 yards, 1 TD and no picks.
If you’re looking at the bottom line, which you should, then you see one of two drives for a touchdown. If you saw the game, you’d have also noted a couple things.
One, Rodgers was in midseason form. And we don’t mean rifling passes wherever he wanted. We mean holding on to the fucking ball for 10 seconds a play.
CAN’T THROW A INTERCEPTION! CAN’T TAKE THAT SMALL CHANCE! Gotta run around until there’s no chance that my quarterback rating could possibly go down!
LOOK, everyone! Aaron Rodgers’ quarterback rating — even in the preseason — is what’s important here!
I mean, what would Olivia say if QB1 threw a pick to Johnny Thirdstring?
She’d dump his ass on the spot!
AND WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!
Because the Green Bay Packers’ success this season clearly relies on that bitch’s whims. So you better stroke her ego when you run into her at Festival Foods.
Let’s get on to the people we actually care about.
Listen, Joe Callahan, you have done more than anyone has expected. You’ve run the offense admirably as the main man of that offense. We imagine you’re getting mad pussy because of that. If Davante Adams weren’t such a complete and total bag of shit, you’d look a a lot better…
We noticed that. That throw across your body! You should not have thrown that ball. But you did and it was perfect! And we’re back to that cunt hair Davante Adams. That guy doesn’t deserve to be on any NFL team. He sure as shit doesn’t deserve to be on the Green Bay Packers. Unfortunately, since that fuckface Big Ted drafted him in the second round — and BIG TED KNOWS THE SECOND ROUND! MRAH! — Davante will get to stick around another season. And you, Joe Callahan, will not.
It’s not your fault. Had you allowed Big Ted to fuck your ass like Davante Adams obviously has, you might get a roster spot too.
Frankly, when it comes to the players we wanted to see, most of them weren’t out there.
Here’s what we noticed.
- Julius Peppers shouldn’t be starter. Nick Perry should be. Peppers is only a situational player at this point. We do not give a fuck about his previous resume. This is about the right thing for the team. Three words: Set. The. Edge.
- Davante Adams, if it isn’t clear — fuck you. Die. Cut yourself. Can a player cut themselves from a football team? I mean, they won’t, but you don’t deserve to be on ANY team right now.
- Which brings me to the fact that Fat Mike can go fuck himself. He’s going to keep that loser Davante Adams. We just know it. And that piece of shit will probably be the No. 3 on week 1, despite the fact that Jared Abbrederis should be that guy.
- Mike McCarthy needs to lose weight. He let himself go last season. Wasn’t in the top condition that we needed him in. That’s why I benched him against Detroit. He wasn’t taking the offseason seriously…
- Geronimo Allison — three catches for 78. We love the guy. Here’s the problem — Big Ted is going to give a roster spot to Trevor Davis, who doesn’t deserve one and was drafted at least two rounds too high, simply because he was drafted. Look, Big Ted CAN’T BE WRONG right away (like he was with Demetri Goodson, Carl Bradford, Brain Brohm, Jerel Worthy and so on and so forth).
- Datone Jones is going to play a role this year. And, on the other hand, Jayrone Elliott — the one guy we all wanted to step up — can fuck off. Biggest disappointment of this preseason. I’m sorry, but you’re cut Jayrone!
- Packers need to figure out the return game, which is still a total and complete garbage dump. Here’s an idea: we know Big Ted will find an excuse to keep Trevor Davis, despite the fact that he has no business being an NFL receiver or a fifth-round draft pick. He might as well return everything! Am I right? The Packers will keep him on the roster over someone more deserving. At least use that fucker. He won’t give them shit as a receiver in 2016.
- Brice, Bradford — both of those guys just went out there and did their jobs again. We don’t see how they don’t get roster spots. The guy who maybe suffers here is Joe Thomas, who should get a spot at ILB, but had a mysterious “calf” injury Friday night.
And at that, to hell with this preseason. We’re done with it.
But not so much that we won’t do this again next week…