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Minnesota Vikings’ Stadium is a Hideous Monstrosity

The Minnesota Vikings’ new stadium, which will forever be known as the Hormel Chili Dome around here, is just about complete. And if you thought this was going to be some marvel of architectural genius, you were wrong.

It is a hideous monstrosity.

Perhaps they built it to closely resemble their football team?

I don’t know, but just look at that thing.

Looks real inviting and not at all like a blight on the already crappy Minneapolis skyline.

It looks more like a shitty high school art installation than it does a place where people play football.

We wouldn’t have even noticed this — I mean, the Vikings are completely inconsequential to those of us with refined tastes like you and I — except for the fact that someone passed this Pioneer Press column onto us. What did that have to say?

Laughably, that this shiny new stadium was ugly.

That stadium gives off a dark vibe.  Sheathed in black. Knife-edged. Towering.

Ugly.

No, ugly is too quick to the keyboard. Not charming. That’s it. It is not charming. It looks like a hangar for the bat-winged flying machines of evil alien forces. It was supposed to resemble a Viking ship, I thought, but the only vessel shape that comes to mind is a bloated Noah’s Ark, and I am sure the architects and the Wilfs didn’t imagine that.

While that’s a pretty damning (and accurate) description from one of the locals, this was the part I enjoyed the most.

But this place says nothing about Minnesota. This monstrosity could be anywhere, including the surface of Mars. I guess this is what you get when you get an out-of-town guy to hornswoggle us out of a billion dollars.

Or, that’s what you get when you’re a second-rate organization with a second-rate owner. A second-rate stadium.

It’s amazing how the Vikings always manage to live down to expectations, isn’t it?

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Mordecai Jones

Mordecai is a writer living in Los Angeles. He primarily writes screenplays, but also does crap like this because GREEN BAY PACKERS, baby!

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38 Comments

  1. vj May 3, 2016

    Wow, surprised people aren’t all over this story…but then again, it’s the Vikqueens…so, yeahhhhhh

  2. Dmoil1 May 3, 2016

    I’m assuming vj stands for vag*na. As in, yours must hurt when looking at this new indoor football palace. Have fun at Lambeau with your shrinkage. Also, get ready to have your vj hurt again wk 2……

    1. A J Spork May 3, 2016

      It’s like Mark Twain never died. That was beautiful, man.

      Enjoy paying taxes on that pile of shit for 30 years after it’s been demolished. At least you got to help a couple of billionaires enjoy their hobby.

    2. cheese May 5, 2016

      Also, we quite enjoy football played outdoors. But hey, I get it. Vikings fans gets to watch a shit team losing meaningful games year in and year out, at least make them comfortable while doing so.

  3. Ha May 3, 2016

    I just chuckled the whole way through the article. You obviously are bothered by the new stadium being a great work of art… it’s amazing and you know it. It’s not hard to see through the childish banter.

    But please… carry on if you’d like as your pain amuses many

  4. The Guy May 3, 2016

    Its understandable to hate something like this, its so reflective, and you can actually see a skyline in it. GreenBay will keep their Lambeau field for many reasons, 1 is because if they tried building something to show a skyline the only thing that would reflect off it is old crappy run down houses and run down business that surround it, and nobody wants to see that. The second reason they wont ever build a new stadium is because your fans already still have to split their season tickets with the members of milwuakee from back in the mid 90s when the packers were so bad they couldnt get enough fans to games that they had to play games in 2 different locations, so if they built another stadium there would now be 3 sets of fans that have to split all their season tickets.

    1. Ferris May 3, 2016

      Shut up and go polish your helmet since you have no Super Bowl trophies.

    2. Phatgzus May 3, 2016

      “GreenBay will keep their Lambeau field for many reasons…”

      First off it’s Green (space) Bay, ya farmyard fornicator.
      Secondly, nope, just ONE reason: it is THE most historic football stadium in the world and will be sold out for the next 30 years even though it has a capacity in the top 5 of all NFL stadiums. Enjoy your Helen Keller rendition of a Lombardi Trophy that is your eyesore of a “stadium” for the next 10 years, before that fucker finds a way to implode as well. In the meantime the Packers will just keep on wining and filling seats.

    3. cheese May 5, 2016

      yeah, mid-90s Packer teams were so bad they won ONLY ONE superbowl trophy more than the Minnesota Vikings ever did in their whole history.

  5. Hah May 3, 2016

    Hey look another idiot comment from Green Bay!

    There is no taxes owed by taxpayers on this stadium, all of the money for it was raised through naming rights, investors, seat licensing fees, the owners, and yes even the NFL itself.

    But good on you for trying. If we did however end up paying taxes on it at least we would have something nice to show for it, you guys keep enjoying that money you spend to “Own a part of the team, and get that piece of paper”

  6. Killer May 3, 2016

    It is beautiful.

  7. elafave May 3, 2016

    Ummmm… yeah. Everything said in defense of this monstrosity makes perfect sense. ?? Your own writers hate it, you know you hate it too. It looks like a facility built to host demolition derbys, WWF circlejerks, or “Robot Wars”, not a home to a football team. Fortunately, I’m willing to bet that this will be damaging to the psyche of the Queens. Can’t be comfortable in a place you don’t think of as home. I bet their inaugural season record for that place is 5-11.

    1. Killer May 4, 2016

      Packers fans are well-known to not be able to perceive beauty. The proof is seen when you meet their girlfriends, the few that even have an ugly one.

  8. A non-packer fan May 3, 2016

    Worst article on the internet … not surprised that a Packer fan wrote it …

    1. NachoDan May 3, 2016

      I’m surprised a Viking fan read it. I’m surprised the Vikings have fans that can read though.

      1. tim viking May 3, 2016

        who do you think teaches packers to read. whish they could learn comprehension.

        1. cheese May 5, 2016

          I really hope you don’t teach anybody to read, because your spelling is crap. I’m pretty sure I can spell better than you, and English is my third language.

  9. Ed May 3, 2016

    If this was written by an elementary school child, it does make sense. The author is trying to slam the Vikings new stadium with name calling – “Hormel Chili Dome.” However, the only problem is, the new stadium is not a “dome.” Which should be apparent just looking at the photo.

    Then they go on with more name calling, including dogging the Minneapolis skyline, the inconsequential Vikings, and closes by saying, “a second-rate organization with a second-rate owner. A second-rate stadium.” All this childish hyperbole apparently because someone passed along an article by one local writer who didn’t like the stadium.

    Betting you haven’t been inside the new stadium or even seen it in person. I get it, it has to do with Vikings so, you automatically hate it. Thou doth protest too much, methinks.

    The “second rate” Vikings are defending NFC North Champs, so what rate does that make the Packers? I’ll help you out, by your own discriminating standards – less than that.

  10. RC May 3, 2016

    Only in Minnesota do they build a baseball stadium without a roof and a football stadium with one…. Fucktards!!!!! You people could fuck up wet dreams!!! May all your teams wreak of hog shit eternally!!!

  11. tim viking May 3, 2016

    Jealously is a terrible thing. So Sorry Packer fans always have to live in the past. Win all those bowls and still can’t have nice things

  12. Steve May 4, 2016

    Packer fans make me laugh. They are so insecure. Has this imbusol ever been to Lambeau? It’s in the middle of no where and across from some shity residential housing. Hell Lambeau doesn’t even have seats…just cold as hell, cheap bench seating. And that Packer HOF is so funny…put a little effort into honoring your past its like going to a horticulture exhibit. So funny how once guys do their sentence in GB once their careers are done they dart out of that city and state as fast as they can without looking back. US Bank stadium will be the cream of the crop of NFL stadiums and Viking fans get to enjoy it for decades…eat your heart out the rest of the NFL.

    1. Phatgzus May 4, 2016

      “imbusol”?

      Are you fucking kidding me? Holy shit.

    2. Killer May 4, 2016

      Steve, you are brilliant. You just made me laugh so hard with the “horticulture exhibit” line!

      Yeah, Lambeau is pure reputation. I’ve been there and you are right about the shitty residential housing and the lack of actual seats. They sold the Packers fans a bill of goods about tradition in order to save money on a decent stadium. The Packer fans just lick it up without question. It requires much less energy for them to lick up piles of crap than to form a logical thought. Most college stadiums are better.

      This grade school jealousy by them is just humiliating for them. I’d feel bad for them but they don’t seem to feel bad for themselves. It’s kind of like pigs laying and eating in their own shit. You want to feel bad for them but… they like it. They like being deceived into loving their own POS stadium, masochistically enjoy the old, enjoy defiling their bodies with bratwurst now proven to cause early onset Alzheimer’s, and actually like being jealous of the Vikings.

      Packers fans are just a different sort of critter happy being unhappily sprawled in their own shit. It takes all kinds I guess.

      1. Phatgzus May 4, 2016

        LMFAO, seriously, so bitter. It’s okay someday the Vikings will have an history worth being proud. Damn shame it’ll be centuries from now and they’ll be based somewhere in the Czech Republic where they fucking belong.

  13. Steve May 4, 2016

    Dano you realize Packer fans have the 2nd lowest IQ in all of the NFL behind only the Raiders? If you’re not sure what an IQ is look it up. If you’re not sure how to look it up then you’re on your own.

    1. Killer May 4, 2016

      I read that study of fan intelligence also, Steve. I was incredulous actually. I mean, it was true to form based on my interactions with the Packer fans but I thought guys like “Fatguts” Phatgzus were hopefully bizarre exceptions. Turns out the decent logical ones are the exceptions!
      Wisconsin has very poor schools and they pump a lot of weird hormones into their cows which in turn is consumed by Packers fans via milk and cheese.
      I also saw a statistic that while 50% of serial killers have spent time in California, Wisconsin was second with 28% of all known American serial killers having spent at least one year in the state. Of course, Gein and Dahmer never left it.

      1. Phatgzus May 5, 2016

        Here is that, ahem (*cough*) “study”:

        http://www.pocketfives.com/f13/ranking-nfl-teams-fans-according-collective-average-iq-599603/

        Actually just a random blog poster’s opinion, you’ll not the idiot spelled “moron” as “moran”.

        1. Phatgzus May 6, 2016

          note*

  14. MGP May 4, 2016

    “It was supposed to resemble a Viking ship”.

    haahahahahahahahahahah

  15. Deepsky May 4, 2016

    The funny thing is they built a bigger stadium when they had trouble selling out the Metrodome. Except for the Packer games, they had corporate sponsorship buy up tickets so that the game didn’t get blacked out. And it still got blacked out every few years, even when they were trying to get a new stadium built. Gotta wonder what happens when the glow of a new stadium wears off.

  16. MikeChicago May 4, 2016

    What an assfucking dump.

  17. turtlr May 4, 2016

    I’ve driven past the stadium and photos don’t do it justice. I am a diehard Green Bay Packers fan and — it is one gorgeous stadium. I am above it when I don’t feel jealous.

    1. Killer May 4, 2016

      You’re a good and fair man, turtlr. I have to guess you are a non-Wisconsin Packers fan. Your sense of objectivity and fairness and ability to perceive beauty make you an exception to your Wisconsin kin.
      You were perhaps raised in a household of Packers fans and never knew any better.
      If you ever need a new team I would welcome you as a fellow Vikings fan.

  18. Hambone May 5, 2016

    Aww snap.

  19. A non-Viking fan May 5, 2016

    Worst comment on the Internet. Not surprised a Viking fan and/or retard wrote it.

    It’s so easy…

  20. warshire May 5, 2016

    This is all you guys have to do all day isn’t it. You have no jobs, no education, no ambitions, and no women. I can understand it, you fear change and that is hilarious. Look at you guys, you take one bias journal entry who was clamoring to let the vikings leave, something you guys would have loved. And you love to scream your love for that antique of a stadium you call holy ground. The only reason your team even has stocks because Your owner was so,corrupt the leage had to be radical. Be proud packer fan girls. At least,you have one thing to get excited about tonight. I would hate to,deprive your right hand of that beautiful evening

  21. Non-Viking Fan May 5, 2016

    That makes zero sense. You might as well say people who like chocolate have the 2nd lowest IQ among people who like ice cream.

    You’re attempting to insult an entire group of people by claiming “science says your stupid”. Not only are you incorrect, but you’ve just proven yourself to be the idiot by making such a ridiculous and outlandish claim.

    Oh, and in case you don’t know the definition of outlandish please look it up in the dictionary, or “that big book with ’em words and shit” as you people from the land of Hormel Chili like to call it.

  22. Non-Viking Fan May 5, 2016

    Wait? Aren’t you posting a comment too? So what the fuck are you doing? Apparently you have no job or education either.

    Hell, I’d rather be a dumb fucking hick with no life than Viking fan any day of the week. Fortunately, you don’t have to make that choice.

    Oh, and we are proud. Proud of having won multiple Superbowls. Twice, just in my lifetime!