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Oh, Good, Blake Martinez is No. 50

You know, the first thing I thought when the Green Bay Packers drafted inside linebacker Blake Martinez was… who the hell is this guy?

Then I did some reading and the second thing I thought was, oh, fucking great. These dipshits just drafted A.J. Hawk again.

And if you know anything about me, you know I LOVE A.J. Hawk.

I mean, GREATEST INSIDE LINEBACKER EVER!!!

GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER!!!

And that’s because I value stuff like getting torched in coverage, getting juked out of your goddam shorts at least once per game, diving on piles well after the fact and, most importantly, not being able to keep a helmet on your goddam head for an entire game.

The most important category A.J. Hawk ever led the league in was helmets lost during game action.

All of stuff means you’re playing HARD!

And I value HARD! more than I do any sort of actual skill or competence as a football player.

Give me 22 A.J. Hawk’s and I’ll give you… ah, fuck… I can’t even joke about this anymore…

I would literally stab myself in the fucking face with a compass repeatedly if I had to watch another down of A.J. Hawk playing football for the Green Bay Packers.

I would go to Fat Mike’s house and burn that fucker down if he put Hawk on the field again.

If for some reason the Packers re-signed Hawk and actually played him and you smelt the delicious aroma of bacon in the air throughout Green Bay, it just means Fan Mike was inside at the time.

Those pricks forced that A.J. Hawk shit on us for way too many years.

Hey, let’s pretend that A.J. is a three-down linebacker. People just like the guy. Maybe that will translate into him being able to cover someone or not getting blown five fucking yards backwards when an offensive lineman lays a finger on him…

So, yeah, when I first read about Blake Martinez, the thing that sticks in my mind is that he was described as a “throwback,” or an old-school linebacker. And I thought, oh, good, can’t fucking cover just like the two guys we already have on our team.

Just like Hawk before them.

Has anyone described Jake Ryan or Sam Barrington as throwbacks? I bet someone has.

A couple of thumpers great for stopping the run and nothing else.

So I figured we just drafted another one of something we already had.

Great!

Who knows? Apparently, Martinez can cover.

That would be swell.

But now I found out he chose No. 50 as his number. Who wore No. 50?

That sack of shit, A.J. Hawk.

For an egghead who went to Stanford, Martinez isn’t too bright. They must not teach basic job skills at Stanford because this guy obviously didn’t do any sort of due diligence before strolling into Green Bay and choosing No. 5o.

“They gave me like 12 options and I was just kind of going through it and not really thinking the No. 50 and I was like, ‘50’s a great number,'” Martinez said. “Then all of a sudden, everybody’s like, ‘Oh, you’ve got A.J. Hawk’s number.’ I was like, ‘Ohhhh, yep, here we go.’

“But it’s a great number and I’ll do everything I can to kind of live up to his legacy and all of what he’s done.”

Word to the wise, Blake, if you do anything to live up to A.J. Hawk’s legacy, I will find you and I fucking end you.

And all of those shitbags who are suggesting this is some sort of big deal because A.J. Hawk was some sort of great or even remotely serviceable player, why don’t you point them out to me?

Maybe I can punch some sense into their stupid faces.

Silverstein, I’m looking at you.

As for Martinez, I have now officially written him off.

A linebacker is supposed to have awareness and this dickwad clearly has none. Can’t wait to watch him get torched in coverage and jump on piles, just like his hero A.J. Hawk!

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Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

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29 Comments

  1. TONY May 7, 2016

    grow up son, I’m guessing you never played the game and have found be a complete ass and talking negative on every subject is how you get hits on your website.

    ABSOLUTE TOTAL BULLSHIT!!!!

  2. Hilarious drivel… Nothing more. Nothing less.

  3. Little over the top on the aj hawk hate. He would have been thought of as a solid player and a good pick if we got him where we got martinez. Just sayin.

    Top 10 pick, hell no. But hes the packers all time leader in tackles for a reason. And only half of its bc he was forced down our throats.

  4. Goldmiles May 7, 2016

    Martinez will replace Bartington by the 5th game of the season. He’s more Bryce Paup than AJ Hawk, if Bryce Paup played inside linebacker. Martinez has a knack for being in the right place at the right time and making big plays.

  5. Howard May 7, 2016

    In the kids defense he may have never thought enough of Hawks ability to study or know who Hawk was. If Martinez can do one thing to live up to Hawk’s legacy all of us would be happy. Have No. 50 Martinez hoist a Lombardi at the end of a Super Bowl just like Hawk did. Martinez just needs to be a intregal part of the 53 that earn Super Bowl rings and I know I will be happy.

  6. Bobby D May 7, 2016

    Every word rings true….Hawk would have sucked as a 5th rounder. Leading tackler 6 yards down field and world class pile circler. Hope this guy has a dry sense of humor. Living up to Hawk’s legacy is like hoping to be a role model to America’s youth like Johnny Manziel

    1. PF4L May 7, 2016

      Let me guess Bobby, you’ve been a Packer fan since….2010 i’m guessing?

  7. Remedy May 7, 2016

    …and Brad Jones made Hawk look like Kuechly. Just think about that for a moment.

  8. Chad Lundberg May 7, 2016

    Im laughing my ass off, hahaha!!

  9. Killer May 7, 2016

    Monty, you made me laugh — a lot!

    You redeem yourself with some brutal honesty about some of your own Packers. Hawk was a terrible pick by TT. He would have been poor value as a 2nd rounder let alone Top10. Same year in the teens Vikings selected Chad Greenway who is 10 times the player Hawk could ever have dreamed of being. Greenway is still kicking butt with the Vikings. He was 3rd in tackles, had 2.5 sacks last year and an interception return 91 yards for a TD as well.

    Great article and valid points all. Very funny stuff.

    Martinez should have been drafted in the 7th round. 4th was a huge reach. So many better players just sitting there — and Martinez likely still would have been there in the 7th or as a FA. TT is not the genius some make him out to be.

    1. Chad Lundberg May 7, 2016

      Man I’m gonna have to disagree with you on that. Sure Martinez isn’t a first round talent like we want and maybe needed, but he looks pretty damn promising if you look into it. Ryan Wood examined this almost perfectly: http://www.packersnews.com/story/sports/nfl/packers/2016/05/04/blake-martinez-ideal-fit-move-matthews-olb/83924910/

  10. Frank May 7, 2016

    Yes, and that’s why Hawk was always able to make the tackle, unlike almost every other man on the field. That’s why he knew exactly where to be at every moment in every time. That’s why he was the one who knew what play would work and called all the plays for the team. That’s why he was voted the CAPTAIN of the team in the playoffs numerous times. That’s why he made the pro bowl more than once.

    Hawk didn’t have the best coverage skills, and he wasn’t the absolut best in the league, but he was a solid player for the team and one of Ted’s best picks. There’s no way he was a bust nor would he have been at any other spot. Hawk was a great player, no doubt.

    1. Killer May 7, 2016

      …”…one of Ted’s best picks”…!?!

      So sad. That is the most vicious criticism of TT I have ever read.

    2. Chad Lundberg May 7, 2016

      Hawk was not a pro-bowler. He was a one year alternate and that was a contract year for him.

      1. PF4L May 7, 2016

        Not unlike how most of the Packers get to the pro bowl now.

        1. Phatgzus May 7, 2016

          Because the Pro Bowl is a legitimate determinant for player ability.

  11. MJ May 7, 2016

    Hopefully this guy will redeeem no. 50.

  12. Tony May 7, 2016

    I see how it is, you can talk absolute nonsense , but when someone disagrees with you and calls you out, their comments get deleted.
    Cant take criticism?
    No football intelligence here.

  13. Frank May 7, 2016

    He kept the defense stable and knowing what to do for as long as he was there. True that there were some poor seasons here and there, but as long as he was in charge, the defense was making the right call. He was the perfect ILB for the team. Stop thinking that he needed to do everything to be a great pick.

  14. Come on, AJ wasn’t that, he did add some value…. Never injured, which kept consistency for the play calling. — Martinez ran a 4.20-second, 20-yard shuttle, third best among inside linebacker prospects. That, shows what kind of athlete Martinez can be playing in space.(from the article link above)

  15. PF4L May 7, 2016

    “I would literally stab myself in the fucking face with a compass repeatedly…” – Monty

    You’re gonna stab yourself with a round object?

    You guys are some kind of special.

    1. Moolla May 7, 2016

      http://images.clipartpanda.com/math-compass-clipart-Math1.jpg

      THIS is the compass that was meant genius.
      Don’t drop out of middle school kids.

  16. PF4L May 7, 2016

    Btw…..Who was the ilb for the 5th rated defense in 2010, the year we won something i think. I’m trying to think who led the team in tackles while calling the defensive plays that season.

    It’s a shame Hawk turned out to be a bust, unlike most of the other 1st round picks of the last 10 years.

  17. Kato May 8, 2016

    People that say hawk sucked are ignorant. Did he live up to his draft position billing? No, but he was still solid.

  18. Dan May 8, 2016

    “What an outstanding play by Hawk!”
    -no one, ever.

  19. Guysocke May 8, 2016

    This article was pure fucking garbage.

  20. Pocahontas May 9, 2016

    Ahh the good old days, when Hawk would tackle someone and they would drag him for 5 more yards!

  21. Jonjon May 9, 2016

    Nick Collins kept that Defense together 100% never was it AJ Hawk.

  22. Frank May 10, 2016

    Nick Collins didn’t call the plays. And wasn’t a key part of the run stopping unit. Guess again.