Oh, Good, Blake Martinez is No. 50

You know, the first thing I thought when the Green Bay Packers drafted inside linebacker Blake Martinez was… who the hell is this guy?

Then I did some reading and the second thing I thought was, oh, fucking great. These dipshits just drafted A.J. Hawk again.

And if you know anything about me, you know I LOVE A.J. Hawk.

I mean, GREATEST INSIDE LINEBACKER EVER!!!

GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER!!!

And that’s because I value stuff like getting torched in coverage, getting juked out of your goddam shorts at least once per game, diving on piles well after the fact and, most importantly, not being able to keep a helmet on your goddam head for an entire game.

The most important category A.J. Hawk ever led the league in was helmets lost during game action.

All of stuff means you’re playing HARD!

And I value HARD! more than I do any sort of actual skill or competence as a football player.

Give me 22 A.J. Hawk’s and I’ll give you… ah, fuck… I can’t even joke about this anymore…

I would literally stab myself in the fucking face with a compass repeatedly if I had to watch another down of A.J. Hawk playing football for the Green Bay Packers.

I would go to Fat Mike’s house and burn that fucker down if he put Hawk on the field again.

If for some reason the Packers re-signed Hawk and actually played him and you smelt the delicious aroma of bacon in the air throughout Green Bay, it just means Fan Mike was inside at the time.

Those pricks forced that A.J. Hawk shit on us for way too many years.

Hey, let’s pretend that A.J. is a three-down linebacker. People just like the guy. Maybe that will translate into him being able to cover someone or not getting blown five fucking yards backwards when an offensive lineman lays a finger on him…

So, yeah, when I first read about Blake Martinez, the thing that sticks in my mind is that he was described as a “throwback,” or an old-school linebacker. And I thought, oh, good, can’t fucking cover just like the two guys we already have on our team.

Just like Hawk before them.

Has anyone described Jake Ryan or Sam Barrington as throwbacks? I bet someone has.

A couple of thumpers great for stopping the run and nothing else.

So I figured we just drafted another one of something we already had.

Great!

Who knows? Apparently, Martinez can cover.

That would be swell.

But now I found out he chose No. 50 as his number. Who wore No. 50?

That sack of shit, A.J. Hawk.

For an egghead who went to Stanford, Martinez isn’t too bright. They must not teach basic job skills at Stanford because this guy obviously didn’t do any sort of due diligence before strolling into Green Bay and choosing No. 5o.

“They gave me like 12 options and I was just kind of going through it and not really thinking the No. 50 and I was like, ‘50’s a great number,'” Martinez said. “Then all of a sudden, everybody’s like, ‘Oh, you’ve got A.J. Hawk’s number.’ I was like, ‘Ohhhh, yep, here we go.’

“But it’s a great number and I’ll do everything I can to kind of live up to his legacy and all of what he’s done.”

Word to the wise, Blake, if you do anything to live up to A.J. Hawk’s legacy, I will find you and I fucking end you.

And all of those shitbags who are suggesting this is some sort of big deal because A.J. Hawk was some sort of great or even remotely serviceable player, why don’t you point them out to me?

Maybe I can punch some sense into their stupid faces.

Silverstein, I’m looking at you.

As for Martinez, I have now officially written him off.

A linebacker is supposed to have awareness and this dickwad clearly has none. Can’t wait to watch him get torched in coverage and jump on piles, just like his hero A.J. Hawk!