Former Minnesota Vikings turd Jared Allen called it a career on Thursday. He did so in fitting fashion.
With a horse.
Allen played 12 NFL seasons. Most of those (six) were played with the Minnesota Vikings.
Was Allen a good player?
Yeah, he was really good, especially at sacking the quarterback. Allen finishes his career with 136 sacks.
Do we respect the guy? As a player, sure.
We’re not going to fawn over him like everyone else is today, though.
He was a shitty Minnesota Viking, first and foremost. What we’ll most remember about him are two things.
- The idiotic calf roping
- The number 69
Why 69, Jared?
Because that was his mentality. That’s why.
As for the calf roping, that was Allen’s sack celebration.
He didn’t do it so much in later years or maybe we just didn’t notice because he wasn’t getting sacks anymore. However, Allen roped pretend barnyard animals all the time when he played for the Vikings.
You know why?
Because Jared Allen is a stupid hillbilly and that’s what made him such a perfect fit for the Minnesota Vikings.
Or that’s what he would have you believe, anyway.
The funny thing is, none of it made any sense. Jared Allen is from Los Gatos, California, the 33rd wealthiest city in the United States.
The upper crust.
It was all just a ruse and everyone lapped it up like the loyal dogs they are.
Fortunately, the end of the line has come.
So long, you stupid pretend hillbilly!