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Get to Know the Enemy: Detroit Lions

Calvin Johnson: slam dunk

Yes, we’ve saved the meh for last. The Detroit Lions. The team no one has strong feelings about, except for 17 people who were born and raised in Detroit and have told themselves, “Fuck it. This is my lot in life and I will go down with this ship repeatedly.”

It was actually hard to find someone to answer these questions for us. We reached out to some Lions bloggers — both of them — and we assume they can’t read because they never replied. Then I turned to my friend Shay, who is both from Detroit and a Lions fan.

A die-hard Lions fan.

One of those 17 I mentioned. He was salty as hell about it, but I got him to do it.

So, here’s someone who knows something about the Lions telling us what to expect from that team this year.

1. We never pay attention to the Lions. Tell us about your crappy team and why we should (or shouldn’t) pay attention.

Wait a minute. Why does a cheese Packers’ blog care about the crappy Lions? It’s not our fault that we have heartbreaking owners that won’t sell and don’t give a bear’s ass. That said, no Lions fan can deny that our current regime is giving us an odd sense of hope, thanks to newcomers Haloti Ngata, Ameer Abdullah, Quandre Diggs, Zach Zenner and Laken Tomlinson. Highlight and fantasy-wise, Golden Tate, Calvin Johnson, Abdullah and Ziggy Ansah are worth your consideration.

Detroit Lions suck

2. We’re really indifferent about the Lions this year. We imagine the offense is going to be pretty good and the defense should be decent, but not as good as last year. That said, the Lions are probably the third team in the division with Minnesota second. But why don’t you go ahead and tell us how you’re going to the Super Bowl this year?

The third best team? Wow. We’re not disillusioned. The Super Bowl isn’t in our future, but you’re saying the Bears and Vikings are better than us? Why, because a website told you so? Logically, from any perspective, that’s plain stupid. Wanna argue that? By all means…

Detroit Lions Super Bowl tattoo


3. Actually, no. Third means the Packers and Vikings are better and yes, I will argue that, but not right now. So, seriously, it has to be a sad state of affairs being a Lions fan. How do you manage to do it year after year?

It’s not easy. The pain and ridicule is almost unbearable. I guess it could be worse. It would be heartbreaking to have the team, record and odds to win it all and fail. Fuck that noise, GBP is a badass organization. If we were only better than the Bears and Vikings…

Detroit Lions banner

4. Okay, I want you to concoct a dream scenario where the Lions beat the Packers twice this season. What would the Lions have to do to pull that off?

Win in Green Bay.

5. Yeah, I see what you did there. Alright, try to be realistic for a moment. Who’s going to win the NFC North and why?

Thanks to our spirited 110 year old owner (who doesn’t attend away games and has given a whopping total of one presser in her year in a half tenure), we don’t have cheerleaders or alternative uniforms and have turned down Hard Knocks four times. Fine, maybe she doesn’t care. But new season ticket owners Kid Rock, Bob Seger, Eminen and Jack White do. And if they do, so do I! The Detroit Lions will win the NFC North!!! Sorry to name drop. That’s the North Hollywood in me. Y’ll have rockstar fans too, like…? Okay, you don’t have any famous fans, but y’all pack that stadium with obese northern rednecks with foam pieces of cheese on their heads, year after year, and that says something!

(Vikings preview, Bears preview)

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.