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Packers Get Killed By Eagles In Ugly Game

Brett Hundley

Do you like extra shitty preseason football!?!

Well, if you do, then you were in for a treat if you tuned into the Green Bay Packers’ tilt with the Philadelphia Eagles on Saturday night.

I mean, not so much if you’re an Eagles fan.

If you’re that kind of idiot, then you’re surely frothing at the mouth, telling everyone around you how the Eagles just throttled the Packers 39-26 and are TOTALLY going to the Super Bowl this year, bro!

You know, never mind that Aaron Rodgers and three of the Packers starting offensive linemen didn’t play.

Sure, the Eagles offense did roll over and through the Packers first-team defense like they weren’t even there. And that defense did have the big, bad Clay Matthews for the first time this preseason, but no matter.

The Eagles first-team offense put up three touchdowns in the first quarter. Starting QB Sam Bradford went 10-for-10 and the Eagles completed their first 13 passes overall.

In other words, the Packers first-team defense was pure shit.

Among the shittiest performances was that of inside linebacker Sam Barrington.

Look, we like the guy, but he shouldn’t be covering Darren Sproles out of the backfield. Or anyone, for that matter, it appears.

Two of the Eagles’ first three touchdowns went to Sproles and tight end Brent Celek. Barrington was providing “coverage” on both of those. Barrington also provided the lowlight while trying to cover Sproles on a 33-yard completion early on.

Meanwhile, the Packers trotted out third-string quarterback Brett Hundley to start the game. He played behind a line that started backups Don Barclay at left tackle, Lane Taylor at left guard and Josh Walker at right guard.

Like us, you’re probably wondering who the hell Walker is. He was an undrafted rookie originally signed by the Colts in 2014. They released him and he ended up spending most of the season on the Packers’ practice squad.

He seemingly has played himself onto the roster this season.

But back to that offense.

It didn’t start off too well, with receiver Randall Cobb getting injured on the team’s first series. He went to the locker room shortly after and then the injury parade continued.

Starting right tackle Bryan Bulaga left with an ankle injury and then defensive back Micah Hyde got carted off with a neck injury.

A comedy of errors. Or horrors and we’re not even going to get into the massive amount of penalties.

Let’s get on to the players.

Brett Hundley — Yes, he threw a pick six to Walter Thurmond on his third series. We’re not even sure that was his fault, since it looked like Richard “DickRodge” Rodgers couldn’t decide whether to run a route or block on the play. Instead, he just decided to fall down like the sack of shit he is. Anyway, Hundley wasn’t great, but we were impressed with his command of the huddle. He never looked lost or rattled out there and finished a very respectable 22-of-31 for 315 yards, two touchdowns and that INT.

Ty Montgomery — Made his presence known with a 52-yard reception in the first half. He wasn’t much to talk about on returns, but Montgomery finished with two catches for 71 yards. We’d hand him the No. 3 receiver job, except for…

Jeff Janis — Yeah, we still pretty much think this guy can only run a fly pattern, but he does that really well. Three catches for 73 yards and a touchdown. One of those catches went for 29, on a fly, of course.

Myles White — The most impressive receiver for the Packers on the evening. He just made plays. Overall, nine catches for 89 yards, including one of those where he got mugged and still caught the ball. This guy has a roster spot on our team.

Rajion Neal — We’d like to say Neal sewed up that No. 3 running back spot on Saturday night. Four rushes for 23 yards. Five catches for 61 yards and a touchdown. Returned a kick for 31 yards. I mean, what do you want? Roster spot!

Kennard Backman — Backman is a sixth-round pick. We noticed him for the first time last week. We actually took note of him for the first time this week. Two catches for 19 yards and a touchdown. We don’t really expect him to provide the Packers with anything in the regular season this year, but it looks like this guy can play in the league.

Tim Masthay — Listen, you ginger fuck, get it the fuck together! Masthay averaged a disgusting 37.2 on four punts. The announcers spit out some stat during the game that was even more disturbing. That Masthay’s average is (if memory serves) 44th out of 48 punters this preseason. That means he’s worse than a bunch of guys who are going to be out of a job very shortly. So the Packers brought in competition for Masthay in the offseason and what did they do? Cut that guy a couple weeks into camp. Boy, does that look brilliant right about now.

And with that, we’re going to sit back and prepare for the worst on Randall Cobb.

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Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

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10 Comments

  1. Cyberstag August 29, 2015

    MM is and always has been a dumbfuck!! i agree, the decision to play Cobb was stupid. You know they wont bring in a new punter because it would be stupid not to! This game is an example of what happens when you practice at half speed and run into a team that practices full speed.

  2. Phatgzus August 29, 2015

    Absolutely agree with all of this except RichRodg, the kid can play, he’s still young and will continue to have the occasional mental mistake.

    Winners

    TEs/WRs/RBs: Janis, White, Neal-you wanted a roster spot? then come on down!
    Janis-may only be able to run a fly route and doesn’t seem to have the wiggle or coordination to return punts, but if he catches just 2 passes with 1 going for a touchdown in half the games this year I’d be stoked.
    White-I said it before and I’ll say it again, I think Myles White is a better option than Janis, at least right now-he has sure hands and looks to be a pretty good route runner, even if he doesn’t have the size and speed to make him a big-play threat like Janis; sometimes you need a consistent possession receiver, Amani Toomer carved out a pretty good career being just that.
    Backman-not too shabby, very nice catch on the seam route.
    Neal-some good hard running esp. after getting outside with his impressive ability to bounce it around the ends, managed to at least catch the screen pass thrown to him with nothing but green real estate in front of him (cough, cough, Alonzo Harris), but the real clincher is of course his return ability, looks like we have our kick returners for the season at least.

    QBs: Only two years ago the Packers were in panic mode when Rodgers went down, now we almost certainly have the deepest group in the league. Both these young guys looked like they can play in the NFL.
    Hundley was particularly impressive, from cycling through his reads, to his awareness and mobility, to his accuracy (for the most part, still throwing behind his receivers too much).
    Blanchard-Kid has a gun and some damn nice accuracy as well, nice TD pass off your back foot.

    Backup O-linemen-okay I missed the first quarter and it sounded like they weren’t run blocking for shit, but they were pretty good in both areas for the last three quarters that I witnessed, particularly pass pro (sans the plays in which Neal got clobbered and the LT whiffed).

    Losers

    1st Team Defense-I get it, really I do, the Eagles run a fast-paced offense and can put up some points and Sam Bradford is an OK QB when healthy, which occurs once every time Haley’s Comet passes Earth, but holy shit! Seriously, what in the hell was that? Barrington still can’t cover, couldn’t stop a screen if it was attached to a house, and our #1 CBs were beaten by 4th-string WRs and Matt “The Immortal Buttfumbler” Sanchez. At least our run D was decent again.

    DBs
    Shields-Not to worried about Sam. Some of you may disagree, but in my eyes he’s proven to be a high-end (not shutdown, but close) #1.
    Hayward-Had had his ups and downs, really hoping his size and speed don’t get him beat by the more physical and faster receivers. He may not be the long-term answer, perhaps just a placeholder until/if Randall or Rollins get up to NFL speed (so 1-2 years).
    Didn’t really notice the young guys on D too much, which I suppose is a good thing, then again they were facing Buttfumbler and his sidekick The Second Coming, Football Edition. I did notice Demarious Randall doing his best Johnny Appleseed impersonation on a punt returner though, that was nice.
    HHCD-Someone I haven’t seen a whole bunch of mention about this preseason (a bit in regards to his missed tackle issues), had a solid game hopefully he continues to consistently wrap up the ball carrier.
    LBs: Still as exciting as an audiobook of Pride and Prejudice as read by Ben Stein.
    Clay Matthews-Didn’t get hurt, that’s good enough for me at this point.
    Barrington-He can play the run, this we know, but it’s looking more and more like he’s a 2-down backer-every time a RB runs a wheel route out of the backfield I die a little inside; if he’s in there for 3 downs every game, that’s going to amount to about 300 voyages towards a light at the end of a loooong, dark tunnel.
    The rest-I heard Carl Bradford’s name once. I heard Andy Mulumba’s name once. I heard James Vaughters’ Name once. I heard Jake’s Ryan name once, then again I flicked past 16 Candles at one point during commercial. Seriously, did he even suit up for this game?
    DL-Again, good vs the run D. Saw I believe Khyri Thornton hauling ass 30 yards yards down the field on a screen pass (then again he best be if he wants to even make the PS this year). Not very much pressure on the QBs this time out.
    I hope it’s not the case for this year, but Mike Daniels’ interviews may just be the highlight of it-I don’t know if you could find a more intense individual outside of the Marine Corps, then again I’ve never seen a marine big enough to eat an entire cow in a single sitting no problem.

    The Slaughterhouse 1

    Special Teams

    Okay, punt coverage was fine.
    Kick coverage-regressed to last year’s form which is nothing to do a happy dance about.
    But the real Goat here is (drumroll)….
    Tim Masthay-holy fucking shit, TiMAAAAY! What happened? you were good to great for years and now this shit? I mean seriously, 45th/7th/whatever-the-fuckth out of punters with at least 3 punts in the preseason? What the Hell, MAN? A 3 second hang time? Shaq can hang longer than that going up for a dunk. JFC, DUDE. Can punters get the Yips? Did he join the scouts during the offseason get wicked bad frostbite in his right foot (or maybe that would make him better)? Can we trade next year’s first-round pick for Shane Lechler?

    Considering how shittily the first half proceeded, I’m surprised at how relatively calm i am after a game that started off as a poor pastiche of the Rocky Horror Picture Show turned into a display of promising young talent at many positions (sans ILB).
    The good vibes are telling me that Hyde’s injury won’t be too serious, at least not a career-ender, seeing as no ambulance was needed to take him off the field. Same for Bulaga, as he stayed on the field entirely and should have two weeks to heal up. Cobb even if it’s a major shoulder injury, probably won’t miss the entire season. Aaron Rodgers and the 3/5 of the starting line didn’t play, so that changes a things a little bit I’d say. We don’t have to play the Eagles this year, and if we do, we’ll have made the Playoffs and Sam Bradford will once again be on the IR so we’d be facing one of Dirty Sanchez, that other dude from USC, or Jesus Christ Superstar. I think we’d manage to clear that hurdle somehow, assuming our starting WR wouldn’t be Myles White, Jeff Janis, and the hollow exoskeletons that are Wes Welker and/or Jared Abrrederis.

  3. PackAttack August 30, 2015

    Looks like Cobb has avoided serious injury (for now). There are no breaks, as X-rays have appeared to come back negative. The initial fear was believed to be a collarbone break but this has apparently been ruled out by multiple sources including Cobb himself. The fact that this isn’t “season-ending” isn’t any less comforting as it could still be an injury that keeps Cobb out months.

    Best guess it’s the AC joint sprain or tear, it’s going to depend on the severity of the sprain. Normal recovery is 2-3 weeks for a Type-I sprain, depending on range of motion and pain tolerance. I’m guessing Cobb will get an MRI tomorrow to find out if he tore any of the ligaments in the AC or coracoclavicular ligaments (including the labrum). If he tore anything he’ll be out a month + at the least.

    Hopefully this is a bad sprain and he’s back in 14 days for Week #1. Losing Jordy is one thing but losing both Cobb and Jordy would have a major affect on the offense. The Packers cannot afford to lose Cobb for any amount of time right now.

    1. Phatgzus August 30, 2015

      Apparently it’s a sprain, Bulaga as well.

  4. Skinny August 30, 2015

    You’re a very angry man Monty.

  5. jay August 30, 2015

    How can you not be angry with that fuck show, I never would have guessed that our defense and special teams could be worse but somehow they pulled it off. Complete dogshit.

  6. PF4L August 30, 2015

    I have concerns, more than i am pissed off.

    It’s pre-season, so i’m not gonna get too bent out of shape. One of the problems with having one of the youngest teams in the league is that mistakes are going to be made, like all the penalties on special teams, ect. It’s a re-vamp and mistakes will be made, that’s what pre-season is for. With that said, i’m concerned about the starting defense giving up 4 touchdowns in the 1st quarter. I’m concerned about Sam Barrington’s play in pass coverage, love him sideline to sideline, but the reality is he is a liability in pass coverage so far. (See NFCCG against Marshawn Lynch). It looks like it’s gonna take a little time for the secondary to tighten up and after 3 games it would be nice to see Raji record a tackle or make a play. The only time i remember his named being called is an offsides penalty. As of right now, Tim Masthay is a serious problem, but that is fairly obvious. One last thought on the defense, wasn’t Nick Perry a 1st round pick? I doubt anyone was shocked the Packers didn’t pick up his option year.

    As far as the offense, i have mega faith in the leagues best QB, no matter who the receivers are. although i wish we had the pass catching depth we had back in 2011. I do believe that we’ll be ok with the tandem of Rodgers and Quarless at tight end, once Quarless serves his suspension for being a moron. If the offensive line comes back together healthy, i think we’ll be ok with the 2 time MVP at the helm.

    Looking forward to kicking the Bears ass on Sept. 13th before we host the Seahawks and we find out where this team is at.

    GO PACK GO!!

  7. Dtrain August 31, 2015

    We have plenty of time for those young picks to pan out. Our quarterback certainly has at least 10 more prime years. This is where development GM’s fuck the team. When injuries happen to currently developed players, you squander key time to get picks pro-ready instead of pro-ready free agents just learning routes. Exactly what those 2nd, 3rd, and 6th round picks would do anyway but aren’t ready for the pro game.

  8. ted August 31, 2015

    Dum is such a fucking genius..don’t wanna show anything on defense cuz it’ll take all the other teams 15 seconds to figure it out! That defensive line looks as shitty as the one last year..boyd and Thornton are terrible!! I’ve never seen that many guys around the qb and nobody touches him

  9. david August 31, 2015

    For most of the first half gb was in their base defense but there was no way the lb could cover the rb down field. What was capers doing? Caper is the reason why the packers didn’t make the super bowl last year and I hope mm stops him from screwing up the d this year