2015 NFL Draft coverage, with latest updates at the top. Refresh for the latest.
32. New England Patriots — Malcom Brown, DT, Texas
So here was this big sonofabitch staring the Packers right in the face. Mel Kiper had him ranked 12th overall. While it isn’t an immediate need for the Packers… whatever.
The Pats got a 6-2, 319 mauler who probably steps in right away for Vince Wilfork, who is now in Houston.
2014 stats: 71 tackles, 13 TFL, 6.5 sacks
31. New Orleans Saints — Stephone Anthony, ILB, Clemson
The Saints got this pick from Seattle as part of the Jimmy Graham trade.
Ironically, this is the guy a lot of “experts” had the Packers picking at No. 30. Anthony was considered by many to be the top inside linebacker in the draft.
2014 stats: 75 tackles, 10.5 TFL, 2.5 sacks, 1 INT
30. Green Bay Packers — Damarious Randall, S, Arizona State
Anybody see this coming? Not us.
The Packers need another safety like you and I need another asshole.
2014 stats: 106 tackles, 9.5 TFL, 1 sack, 3 INTs
29. Indianapolis Colts — Phillip Dorsett, WR, Miami
The Colts got their replacement for Reggie Wayne by selecting another guy from the U. Andrew Luck gets a guy with speed to burn.
The Colts can obviously never have enough receivers. They’ll win by outscoring everyone! At least, for 11 of the 16 games each year.
2014 stats: 36 catches, 871 yards, 10 TDs
28. Detroit Lions — Laken Tomlinson, G, Duke
Well, Detroit, this is an underwhelming pick. Kind of mirrors your underwhelming organization.
But holy shit! Someone from Duke was just drafted in the first round of the NFL Draft!
To his credit, Tomlinson was easily the most articulate draftee interviewed today. It, frankly, did not take much to win that title though.
27. Dallas Cowboys — Byron Jones, CB, Connecticut
We were really hoping the Cowboys would find a way to trade for Johnny Manziel because that’s just soooooo Cowboys!
Instead, they did something sensible and tried to beef up their defense.
Jones is a bit raw. He played safety for the majority of his college career, he only played seven games as a senior and he played at UCONN.
But, the Cowboys suck at cornerback.
2014 stats: 24 tackles, 2 INTs
26. Baltimore Ravens — Breshad Perriman, WR, UCF
Perriman seemed to be ranked a bit higher on most boards, so it’s possible the Ravens got great value while filling a huge need.
Baltimore lost Torrey Smith in free agency and Mr. Mediocre, Little Joey Flacco, needs someone to throw the football to.
When he isn’t busy dropping passes, Perriman is a big play waiting to happen. He averaged more than 20 yards per catch in 2014.
2014 stats: 50 catches, 1,044 yards, 9 TDs
25. Carolina Panthers — Shaq Thompson, OLB, Washington
This guy can pretty much do it all. The question now is what is he going to do in Carolina?
Thompson could be a linebacker or a safety. As bad as the Panthers defense was in 2014, they could probably use him at both spots.
Our bet is Thompson is a safety in the pros. He’s only 230, which is small for a linebacker.
We would find it funny if the Panthers just drafted a guy with no position in the pros.
2014 stats: 81 tackles, 1 sack, 1 INT
24. Arizona Cardinals — D.J. Humphries, T, Florida
We were talking about how badass the Cardinals would be if they had a bell cow running back, earlier today. Well, they didn’t get that, but they got some help on their offensive line and that’s the next best thing.
23. Denver Broncos — Shane Ray, DE, Missouri
The Detroit Lions traded this pick to the Broncos.
We knew Ray was going to drop because he got pinched for weed on Monday. Ray did drop. We also knew the Broncos wanted Ray and they got their man.
They need another pass rusher to go with Von Miller. And hey, weed is totally legal in Colorado!
So this works out perfectly.
Ray is arguably the best pass rusher in the draft.
2014 stats: 65 tackles, 22.5 TFL, 14.5 sacks
22. Pittsburgh Steelers — Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky
Do the Steelers draft an outside linebacker every year? If not, it certainly seems like it.
At any rate, Dupree appears to be pretty good, even though he went to Kentucky.
2014 stats: 74 tackles, 12.5 TFL. 7.5 sacks
21. Cincinnati Bengals — Cedric Ogbuehi, T, Texas A&M
We know nothing about this guy and we really don’t care. Kind of like how we feel about the Bengals.
20. Philadelphia Eagles — Nelson Agholor, WR, USC
We were waiting for more than two hours for Chip Kelly to wow us again with one of his shrewd personnel moves and oh boy were we impressed!
Chip Kelly goes offense? Unbelievable!
The Eagles are just going to put up 87 a game and who cares about that defense nonsense.
Agholor is good, but it certainly seems like he went higher than he should have.
2014 stats: 104 catches, 1,313 yards, 12 TDs
19. Cleveland Browns — Cameron Erving, C, Florida State
Erving is 6-5, 313 and he’s also played guard and tackle.
We don’t get excited about offensive linemen and we don’t get excited about the Cleveland Browns.
18. Kansas City Chiefs — Marcus Peters, CB, Washington
This guy is a straight-up baller, but he comes with a ton of baggage. He was kicked off the Huskies team last year and he had a drug arrest in 2011.
High risk, high reward.
Probably the best corner in the draft in terms of ability. Might just end up in a crack den at 3 a.m. though.
2014 stats: 30 tackles, 3 INTs (9 games)
17. San Francisco 49ers — Arik Armstead, DE, Oregon
This pick came from San Diego, which now seems like a totally idiotic trade for the Chargers. We don’t know what they gave up, but they gave up something to leapfrog Houston and get Gordon. We really see no way the Texans were taking Gordon. But whatever.
Armstead is a guy with a lot of potential. You know who else was a DE from Oregon with a lot of potential? Dion Jordan.
That worked out nicely.
These stats will really blow you away.
2014 stats: 46 tackles, 5.5 TFL, 2.5 sacks
16. Houston Texans — Kevin Johnson, CB, Wake Forest
The Texans have now drafted defenders in the first round of the draft in six of the past seven years. Where has that gotten them? Nowhere, really.
To the divisional round of the playoffs once?
But hey, best not deviate from that formula!
I doubt it’s just me saying this pick is underwhelming. Johnson didn’t make a ton of plays, reportedly can’t tackle and played at Wake Forest.
The Texans just need to go with Jumal Rolle.
2014 stats: 44 tackles, 1 INT
15. San Diego Chargers — Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin
Melvin Gordon is not a Cowboy! That’s something to celebrate!
The Chargers made a trade with the 49ers for this pick. The Chargers needed a running back after letting the totally mediocre Ryan Matthews leave for Philly in free agency. They got the best back in the draft right here.
I will enjoy watching Badger great Melvin Gordon play in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles! Superchargers!
2014 stats: 2,587 yards, 29 TDs
14. Miami Dolphins — DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville
Who knows what the hell the Dolphins are doing. Lots of swapping of interchangeable parts just for the sake of swapping parts, if you ask us.
Parker, if he’s as advertised, does give the Dolphins a pretty nice receiving corps. He gets thrown into the hopper with Kenny Stills, Greg Jennings and Jarvis Landry. So, plenty of weapons for Ryan Tannehill.
You know, providing he can actually stay upright. That guy has been sacked more times than anyone over the past three years.
Adams can stretch the field. He averaged nearly 20 per catch in 2014.
2014 stats: 43 catches, 855 yards, 5 TDs
13. New Orleans Saints — Andrus Peat, T, Stanford
The Saints needed to improve their garbage offensive line and this pick certainly won’t hurt. Peat is 6-7, 313.
Now they just need to improve their garbage defense. Look for them to do that with their second first-round pick, which comes at No. 31. That pick came from Seattle, along with center Max Unger, in the Jimmy Graham trade.
12. Cleveland Browns — Danny Shelton, DT, Washington
We know you were dying to know the answer to the question, “How can the Cleveland Browns fuck it up this year?”
And now you have your answer.
No, seriously, Shelton is pretty badass. Of course, knowing the Browns, he’ll turn into Courtney Brown in no time. Getting acquired by the Cleveland Browns is like the NFL kiss of death. Tramon Williams will soon know.
2014 stats: 93 tackles, 16.5 TFL, 9 sacks
11. Minnesota Vikings — Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State
Hey, this guy is from Kenosha, Wisconsin. Unfortunately for him, he can now piss off because he’s a Viking.
Do you think that was a fake smile when he heard his name called by Minnesota? We’d bet $100.
“Trae, you were just chosen by the biggest shitstain of an organization in all of sports. How do you feel?”
“Well, I’ll be close to home…”
2014 stats: 46 tackles, 3 INTs
10. St. Louis Rams — Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia
We are disappointed that Melvin Gordon was not the first back off the board. Instead, the Rams went and drafted a guy who’s coming off an ACL injury. That’s correct. The Rams just selected a running back who tore up his knee just last year. Last November, to be exact.
Now that is a brilliant goddam move!
This is why you cannot have nice things, St. Louis. Fortunately, you’ll soon be returning to Los Angeles where you belong.
2014 stats: 911 yards, 9 TDs
9. New York Giants — Ereck Flowers, G, Miami
Every indication is this was a reach by the Giants, but that’s what happens when you’re desperate and the Giants are desperate for an offensive lineman who can block someone, anyone. Flowers is 6-6, 329, so as long as he can get out of his stance, he’s got a good shot of doing that.
8. Atlanta Falcons — Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson
Next to the teams in the NFC North, there isn’t a team we hate more than the Atlanta Falcons. They really, really want to be the Green Bay Packers. Well, they can go suck a fat one.
That being said, the Falcons maybe didn’t totally bone this one. They resisted the urge to choose a running back and instead addressed their atrocious defense.
2014 stats: 34 tackles, 21.5 TFL, 12 sacks
7. Chicago Bears — Kevin White, WR, West Virginia
This is the year, people! Super Bowl or bust!
Well, the Bears needed a receiver after trading away Brandon Marshall. They got a one-year wonder in Kevin White.
That’s not to say White won’t be good. Some people had him rated above Amari Cooper. White just doesn’t have a very substantial body of work. He played two season in junior college before coming to West Virginia and caught only 35 balls in 2013.
What doesn’t make sense is why the Bears trade away an established star receiver in Marshall and then go draft a receiver. Yes, receiver is a need after trading Marshall, but why not keep Marshall and beef up that crap defense?
Doesn’t matter though because… SUPER BOWL!!!!
2014 stats: 109 catches, 1,447 yards, 10 TDs
6. New York Jets — Leonard Williams, DE, USC
We’re reeeeeeeeeal happy to see that the Jets fans traveled to Chicago for the draft this year. The draft just wouldn’t be the same without Jets fans in the stands acting like idiots. Thankfully, there’s plenty of time to travel when you’re unemployed.
Williams was the top-rated defensive player on most boards. He was the top-rated player, period, on some. The Jets getting him here could be a steal and an imposing defense gets even more imposing.
Watch for the Jets to trade Muhammad Wilkerson. He’d look nice in Green Bay.
2014 stats: 80 tackles, 9.5 TFL, 7 sacks
5. Washington — Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa
Hey, look at that. This turd of an organization got someone to protect Bob Griffin.
Look, Scherff is the best offensive lineman in the draft and Iowa seems to produce some pretty good offensive linemen. Ask Bryan Bulaga.
The Redskins are still awful in a lot of places, but they’ve probably got their left tackle for the next 10 years. Way to not totally screw this one up, guys!
Hey, remember when you traded all those picks for Bob Griffin? Yeah, that was awesome!
4. Oakland Raiders — Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama
This is a guy we’d be excited about if we were Raiders fans. Thank god we are not.
The Raiders got the best receiver in the draft and it’s a position they sorely needed some help at. No offense to James Jones.
2014 states: 124 catches, 1,727 yards, 16 TDs
3. Jacksonville Jaguars — Dante Fowler, DE, Florida
Hey, this is the year the Jacksonville Jaguars aren’t a joke! Right? Riiiiiiiight?
Frankly, we really don’t care what the NFL’s junior varsity squad does. They could have drafted Bill Clinton and we would have been like, “Meh…”
The important thing here is that Fowler wore gold shoes to the draft.
— Atlanta Falcons (@AtlantaFalcons) April 30, 2015
2014 stats: 60 tackles, 15 TFL, 8.5 sacks
2. Tennesse Titans — Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
Again, this was expected, unless these losers decided to trade the pick. They didn’t. We’re not sure why they didn’t want Packers great Jay Cutler, but whatever.
Now, quick — name a great quarterback from Oregon.
Drawing a blank, aren’t you? Dan Fouts is the only acceptable answer. Mariota is welcome to reverse that trend of garbage, but the point here is, Oregon doesn’t historically produce good NFL QBs. And certainly, Chip Kelly’s system certainly doesn’t produce good NFL QBs.
2014 stats: 4,454 yards, 42 TDs, 4 INTs
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
We all knew this was coming. That’s why we put dude’s picture up there at the top. Is Winston a future star? We wouldn’t bet on that, but he won a lot of games in college and there’s still something to be said for that as far as we’re concerned.
On a side note, did you see the two Bucs fans with the face paint at the draft? One had a helmet on with a dildo sticking out of it. Could someone please drag these two clowns out into the street and flog them? These guys painted their faces and showed up in a public venue to celebrate their team being awful. Good job.
2014 stats: 3,907 yards, 25 TDs, 18 INTs
We love this rumor. The Chicago Bears tried to trade up to No. 2 to select Oregon QB Marcus Mariota. They wanted to include Jay Cutler in the package. The Tennessee Titans refused because they didn’t want Jay Cutler. Cutty!
Someone start the “One more year!” chant.