The NFL free agency signing period is still going on, but things have cooled considerably after all of the opening day shenanigans.
The Green Bay Packers have done exactly this since re-signing Randall Cobb and Bryan Bulaga: jack shit. And if you expected otherwise, then welcome to the party, Johnny-come-lately.
That doesn’t mean other teams stopped doing things. In fact, a number of teams kept right on being the same dipshits they were when free agency opened. Here’s the quick and dirty need to know from Wednesday and Thursday.
First, we’ll mention that we found pretty much nothing noteworthy about Wednesday. In past years, free agency opened and there were still some top-tier guys left available to sign contracts on day two or even day three. Not so much this year. The three-day legal tampering window that now proceeds free agency seems to have taken care of that.
- If you’re on the lookout for some Tramon Williams news, this is about all there is. The Saints, who obviously have no fucking clue what they’re doing this offseason, signed another cornerback, Brandon Browner, formerly of the New England Patriots. Could they still use Tramon? Sure. Their secondary was dog shit last year. They could sign Uncle Rico and that would be an improvement. Can they still afford Tramon? Now, that’s somewhat questionable.
- Meanwhile in Chicago, the Bears are really tearing it up in typical Bear fashion. They went out and got an over-the-hill defender earlier this week (safety Antrel Rolle), so of course they had to follow up that killer move by signing an over-the-hill offensive guy. That guy is receiver Eddie Royal, who isn’t exactly ancient. He’s 28, so he isn’t a has been. He’s way more like a never was. Royal has never gone over 1,000 yards receiving and has only gone over 800 once in his career. That happened way back in his rookie year in 2008. Nonetheless, the Bears will pay him $15 million over three years because they are fucking awesome! Next, we expect the Bears to dust off Brian Urlacher and Peter Tom Willis. Those two moves will surely put them over the top.
- When he isn’t busy eating Cool Whip straight from the container, Eagles coach Chip Kelly continues to demonstrate symptoms of mental retardation. The Eagles traded LeSean McCoy prior to free agency, so they needed a running back. On Thursday, they went out and signed NFL rushing leader DeMarco Murray. But that wasn’t enough. Once that deal was done, the Eagles turned right around and signed former Chargers running back Ryan Matthews. We’re pretty sure Kelly has his eye on Vince Young too, just so he can call the 2015 Eagles the Dream Team again.
- Here’s what I find most conspicuous about this free agency signing period. The Oakland Raiders have done next to nothing. This occurred to me because, as Murray was sitting out there looking for a team, it seemed to me that the Raiders were the perfect fit. Who likes to run the ball? The Raiders. Who has shitty running backs? The Raiders. Who has $50 million in cap space? The Raiders. It seems like Murray was tailor-made to be a Raider. Al would most definitely approve. The Raiders have signed some guys, but they’re all just that — guys. The biggest name of the group is linebacker Malcolm Smith, a former Super Bowl MVP with Seattle. Reggie McKenzie obviously learned one thing from Ted Thompson — how bore your fan base to death.
- We should also note that, like the Packers, both the Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions are pretty much sitting out free agency. Neither team has signed a free agent. Of course, those guys would have to convince someone to play for their turd of an organization first, so that’s probably part of the reason for their inactivity.
- Lastly, we’ll mention that receiver Andre Johnson, formerly of the Texans, signed with the Indianapolis Colts. We mention this only because Johnson’s brother identified the Packers as one of four teams he was interested in signing with after he was released by Houston. It doesn’t appear as if the Packers reciprocated that interest.