2015 NFL Free Agency: Day 1 Wrap Up

The first day of the NFL’s 2015 free agency signing period is pretty much in the books.

As is the case every year, a lot of shit happens and it’s hard to keep track of. But that’s why you thank your lucky stars every day that we’re here. We keep track of shit so you don’t have to.

So here’s what went on outside of Green Bay that is either 1. extremely notable, or 2. notable because it directly affects one of the three loser teams in the NFC North.

Quick and dirty style.

• The Saints traded tight end Jimmy Graham to Seattle. They got a first-round pick and All Pro center Max Unger. They also gave up a fourth-round pick. We could frankly give a flying fuck about the Saints because the Saints suck. The Seahawks, on the other hand, were already pretty good. In fact, you could argue the one area where Seattle was truly dog shit was at tight end (and maybe receiver). And now they have one of the top three tight ends in the game. So, thanks a lot New Orleans, you dickholes!
• The Eagles and Rams swapped quarterbacks. Yeah, that’s right. The Eagles traded the dopiest looking sonofabitch on the face of the earth, Nick Foles, to St. Louis for Sam Bradford. The Rams also get a fourth this year and a second in 2016. The Eagles will get the Rams’ fifth this year. We don’t really know what to make of this deal, except that, hey, teams don’t usually swap starting quarterbacks via trade. Neither of these guys have ever been confused with great quarterbacks (at least by us). It’s kind of like the Eagles are out there making moves just for the sake of making moves. I guess that’s what happens when you put that fat fuck Chip Kelly in charge of the candy store. Later in the day, Kelly saw a squirrel in a tree and promptly signed the squirrel to a five-year deal.
• Best move of the day by a team in the NFC North not named the Packers goes to Detroit. They traded for defensive tackle Haloti Ngata. They gave a fourth and a fifth to Baltimore for Ngata. There’s a decent chance that Ngata is washed up, but hell, the Leos had to do something. They lost human pile of feces Ndamukong Suh to Miami. And this is definitely doing something. If the Lions wanted an old, beat-up defensive lineman, why didn’t they just go sign Vince Wilfork, you ask? Well, he would have had to go to Detroit voluntarily. And nobody goes to Detroit voluntarily. Ngata has no choice.
• Down in Chicago, the Bears committed to Cutty! for another season. And if that alone doesn’t guarantee that this, THIS is finally the year for the Bears, they also signed Pernell McPhee. Who the hell is Pernell McPhee? That’s what I said too. He’s a guy who got a five-year deal worth $40 million, that’s one thing we know. He had 27 tackles and 7.5 sacks for Baltimore in 2014. He has 92 tackles and 17 sacks total in his four-year career. So we’re going to go ahead and mark him down for an impressive 25 tackles and four sacks for the next five years in Chicago. Seems akin to when the Bears signed Lamarr Houston last offseason. He gave Chicago 11 tackles and a sack in 2014. That’s impressive stuff! These shitdicks are also reportedly signing safety Antrel Rolle and if this were five years ago, we’d be totally impressed.
• If you were hoping the Packers would make a run at Darrelle Revis, you can stop hoping. Revis signed with the Jets. Five years, $70 million. The Packers were never going to pay that kind of money. Frankly, the Jets are a bunch of morons for paying that much, but what’s new?
• How about a little 49ers news, since we still hate those assholes? Their defense got weaker. Both linebacker Patrick Willis and defensive lineman Justin Smith are retiring. Their offense… did something. They signed receiver Torrey Smith, who’s basically a replacement for free agent Michael Crabtree. We’re calling that a wash. These asshats will hopefully be awful for the next few years.