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Jimmy Graham

The first day of the NFL’s 2015 free agency signing period is pretty much in the books.

As is the case every year, a lot of shit happens and it’s hard to keep track of. But that’s why you thank your lucky stars every day that we’re here. We keep track of shit so you don’t have to.

So here’s what went on outside of Green Bay that is either 1. extremely notable, or 2. notable because it directly affects one of the three loser teams in the NFC North.

Quick and dirty style.

  • The Saints traded tight end Jimmy Graham to Seattle. They got a first-round pick and All Pro center Max Unger. They also gave up a fourth-round pick. We could frankly give a flying fuck about the Saints because the Saints suck. The Seahawks, on the other hand, were already pretty good. In fact, you could argue the one area where Seattle was truly dog shit was at tight end (and maybe receiver). And now they have one of the top three tight ends in the game. So, thanks a lot New Orleans, you dickholes!
  • The Eagles and Rams swapped quarterbacks. Yeah, that’s right. The Eagles traded the dopiest looking sonofabitch on the face of the earth, Nick Foles, to St. Louis for Sam Bradford. The Rams also get a fourth this year and a second in 2016. The Eagles will get the Rams’ fifth this year. We don’t really know what to make of this deal, except that, hey, teams don’t usually swap starting quarterbacks via trade. Neither of these guys have ever been confused with great quarterbacks (at least by us). It’s kind of like the Eagles are out there making moves just for the sake of making moves. I guess that’s what happens when you put that fat fuck Chip Kelly in charge of the candy store. Later in the day, Kelly saw a squirrel in a tree and promptly signed the squirrel to a five-year deal.
  • Best move of the day by a team in the NFC North not named the Packers goes to Detroit. They traded for defensive tackle Haloti Ngata. They gave a fourth and a fifth to Baltimore for Ngata. There’s a decent chance that Ngata is washed up, but hell, the Leos had to do something. They lost human pile of feces Ndamukong Suh to Miami. And this is definitely doing something. If the Lions wanted an old, beat-up defensive lineman, why didn’t they just go sign Vince Wilfork, you ask? Well, he would have had to go to Detroit voluntarily. And nobody goes to Detroit voluntarily. Ngata has no choice.
  • Down in Chicago, the Bears committed to Cutty! for another season. And if that alone doesn’t guarantee that this, THIS is finally the year for the Bears, they also signed Pernell McPhee. Who the hell is Pernell McPhee? That’s what I said too. He’s a guy who got a five-year deal worth $40 million, that’s one thing we know. He had 27 tackles and 7.5 sacks for Baltimore in 2014. He has 92 tackles and 17 sacks total in his four-year career. So we’re going to go ahead and mark him down for an impressive 25 tackles and four sacks for the next five years in Chicago. Seems akin to when the Bears signed Lamarr Houston last offseason. He gave Chicago 11 tackles and a sack in 2014. That’s impressive stuff! These shitdicks are also reportedly signing safety Antrel Rolle and if this were five years ago, we’d be totally impressed.
  • If you were hoping the Packers would make a run at Darrelle Revis, you can stop hoping. Revis signed with the Jets. Five years, $70 million. The Packers were never going to pay that kind of money. Frankly, the Jets are a bunch of morons for paying that much, but what’s new?
  • How about a little 49ers news, since we still hate those assholes? Their defense got weaker. Both linebacker Patrick Willis and defensive lineman Justin Smith are retiring. Their offense… did something. They signed receiver Torrey Smith, who’s basically a replacement for free agent Michael Crabtree. We’re calling that a wash. These asshats will hopefully be awful for the next few years.
Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. TyKo Steamboat March 10, 2015

    Side note: The squirrel in the tree that Chip Kelly signed is coming off of ACL surgery & the ShEagles only gave-up a starting WR for him.

  2. Rydogg March 10, 2015

    Wow dude just wow, I’m a hawks fan but this right here is the kind of article I needed!!!! Can’t stop laughing!!!!!

    1. Tucson Packer March 10, 2015

      Still cant believe that Foles-Bradford trade.

      And the 49ers jumping ship like Titanic II

  3. BZ in BA March 10, 2015

    Graham would’ve looked good in Green and Gold for the next five years….

    1. Tucson Packer March 10, 2015

      I have always thought the same thing, even when Finn was decent. Way too much $ though.

  4. Shawn Neuser March 10, 2015

    Jimmy Graham is still worth a 1st round pick? Wow. OK. I think Schneider and Carroll need to lay off the medical marijuana.

    1. MGP March 11, 2015

      Maybe TT and MM should smoke some?!

      After all, 2 consecutive appearances in the SB…

    2. Abe Frohman March 11, 2015

      Seattle’s first round pick is essentially a second round pick.

      As for Graham not being worth a first – how many first rounders are busts? More than half. I’ll take a proven Graham over pretty much any of the guys with a first round grade on them.

    3. Shawn Neuser March 11, 2015

      2 consecutive SB appearances doesn’t mean the Percy Harvin trade wasn’t one of the worst trades in modern football history, and this is looking pretty questionable too.

      If you draft a TE in the first round, you likely get either the 1st or 2nd best TE in the draft. True, that TE, whoever it is, isn’t going to be as good as Jimmy Graham. However, you will be paying Graham around $10 mil whereas the TE you drafted would probably be making a tenth of that. Would Graham be ten times better than the guy you drafted? And in 3 years, Graham will be 3 years older, meanwhile, the TE you drafted will be just coming into his prime.
      You can’t just compare player vs. player. You have to consider the salary cap difference between the two. With the extra $9 mil you are giving to Graham versus a 1st round pick, you could be paying a top notch WR to add to your offense as well.

    4. TyKo Steamboat March 11, 2015

      It was 1.) A cash dump 2.) a 1st round pick & 3.) you’re also getting a pro bowl Center. ….

      Good move for N.O.

      How effective will Jimmy Graham really be in Seattle???

  5. bob at 83 March 11, 2015

    but TT resigned some, lost some and now we wait for the draft –

  6. Savage57 March 11, 2015

    Good move for Seattle. Have to think that Graham might have been worth this year’s 1 to the Pack.

    RR and Q, you better step up.

    1. Shawn Neuser March 11, 2015

      Besides the 1st round draft pick, you also have to pay the man $10 mil a season. To go with 2 $10 mil a season WRs? Yeah, I don’t think so.

  7. icebowl March 11, 2015

    Speculation is that Aints didn’t think JG lived up his $40 million contract. Remember, Graham played much of the 2014 season with a significant shoulder injury…..

    I agree, TT shoulda grabbed Revis – potential to have the same impact Sir Charles had when he donned G&G…..

    House and Hawk both signed w new teams… Good luck to both of them.

  8. Dave March 11, 2015

    I was having a beer Aaron Rodgers yesterday. And he said that after blowing his cousin, he talked to Revis who was going to sign with the Packers, but then he realized the Packers are so shitty, that he would have a better chance winning in New York.

    1. Harry Hood March 11, 2015

      Wow. You have crushed us…

    2. Tucson Packer March 11, 2015

      Because we all know Revis was even for a moment considering your pathetic purple D-league squad.

      Besides that, “shitty” is winning the division 6 consecutive seasons by your standards? hahaha

  9. Deepsky March 11, 2015

    Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but according to Over The Cap, after signing Graham and Lynch to new contracts, the Seahawks have only $3 million left in next year’s salary cap and they still have to sign Russell Wilson, who will want $25 million a year at least, and Bobby Wagner, who will want Clay Matthews type money. Both of these contracts will be heavily back loaded. The Seahawks might be bleading a few big names and if they do, this will hurt their chances to get back to the Super Bowl.

  10. the real russ letlow March 11, 2015

    lots of crazy cash flying around out there.

  11. DJ March 11, 2015

    I know I’m dreaming, but with Cobb now secured and Boykin seemingly on the outs…. I still think it prudent we explore the WR FA market for a 4th WR. A Lance Moore…Eddie Royal…Cecil Shorts etc.etc.. Somebody who wont break the bank but still a veteran who wont be wide eyed, wont come with growing pains, and somebody we can plug in to produce right away. To me, the best way to protect our long term investments in Jordy & Cobb is to provide the depth necessary to give ARod other options too. Davante is nice, but not enough. We need one more experienced guy to cover our ass in case of injury who doesnt come with rookie or developmental baggage. We’re soooo close!

    1. TyKo Steamboat March 11, 2015

      Sign Jeff Query Jr.

      1. Phatgzus March 11, 2015

        Will there be a petition?