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Shawn Slocum has it Figured Out

Shawn Slocum

As usual, the Green Bay Packers special teams are a disaster. They’ve been that way since Shawn Slocum has been the special teams coordinator.

Unfortunately for you and for reasons unbeknownst to us, Shawn Slocum is untouchable. We suspect he has photos of Mike McCarthy fucking a pig. You know, other than the one he’s married to. The four-legged variety.

Anyway, Slocum’s unit had another kick blocked this past Sunday and they allowed a punt return for a touchdown. They also forgot how to cover punts, repeatedly failing to let the ball roll when they should have.

That’s six kicks of one kind or another that the Packers have had blocked this year.

Not to worry though. Slocum totally has this all figured out! Finally!

“We need to put a stop to it,” Slocum said.

Perfect. Now that we’ve finally figured that out, what next?

“I really think everyone just needs to do their job,” Slocum said. “If you do that collectively, you have success.”

Ah, good. It’s that simple then. Everyone will just do their job. Nothing to worry about anymore!

“We have to do a better job in protection,” Slocum said. “I said that last week (and) we had another problem. It’s something that we need to do a better job of. It has to be a focus as we move forward.”


So basically, Slocum’s idea of coaching is just walking around and saying things.

“Hey guys, we gotta do better! I told the media, so make it so!”

Slocum is to coaching special teams what John du Pont was to coaching wrestling.

Seriously, he went on to blame the absence of T.J. Lang and Josh Sitton from the protection teams as the reason for the blocked kicks. They’ve been off special teams duty since suffering injuries in late October.

Of course, that ignores the fact that the Packers were getting kicks blocked before that and their special teams have been shitty for years.

Slocum, the mastermind that he is, is just going to flip a switch though. We’re gonna be fine from here on out!

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. billybong December 16, 2014

    As the great pompous one, Vic Ketchman would say, “your an idiot to think this is Slocums fault, you don’t know football, go cheer for another team, your no fan, you think you could do better?? ….couldnt do worse….

    1. Packer Bob December 17, 2014

      Hey, guess what? You don’t know football. Go cheer for another team.

  2. the real russ letlow December 16, 2014

    I would say it is becoming a concern.

  3. jcope December 16, 2014

    “Fucking a pig” was funny. Calling M.M’s wife a pig was a bit rough, even for you, Monte.

    1. Cheese December 16, 2014

      Rather uncalled for I thought.

  4. The Money Mike December 16, 2014

    Hey its ok everyone Aaron said R-E-L-A-X…as 5th in line for playoff seeding…fuck me Erin Andrews

    1. TyKo Steamboat December 16, 2014

      Ummm…dropped balls are not A-Rodg’s fault. Short week, excellent opposing defense, road game. Take Red-Pill, dude. We’re going to win our next 2 games.

      & f*ck Erin Andrews. That conceded cunt loves herself more than anyone else does.

      But seriously our special teams sucks all around

  5. Richard C December 16, 2014

    They will lose a game in the playoffs due to the special teams play…. Don’t have to be a genie with a crystal ball to see that!!!

    1. Packer Bob December 17, 2014

      “They will lose a game in playoffs due to ”

      Translation: I want the Packers to fail to confirm that I hate myself and I enjoy being miserable.

  6. Packer Bob December 17, 2014

    I don’t think Total TMZ Packers could financial survive if it wasn’t throwing a coach or players under bus week after week. Let’s face it, “Special teams needs to improve” doesn’t get as many clicks as “Fuck Shawn Slocum”.

    Funny, I don’t recall seeing Slocum on the field missing tackles or letting the defense.

    1. Packer Bob December 17, 2014

      Letting the defense block kicks.

  7. Mike Stock December 17, 2014

    If you dvred the game, review it. The Pack only had 10 men on the field for the on side kick from the 20 yd line. Swear to God.

  8. David December 21, 2014


    Short version… they are looking to change players around. But nothing to complain about from the coaching front. Despite… the fact that they are among the worst in the NFL in several categories: kickoff return average (31st), net punting (28th), gross punting (29th) and opponent average drive start after kickoff (31st). Slocum’s units have been consistently middle of the road and worse since he took over from Mike Stock in 2009.

    Crib notes… Slocum has those pig pictures.