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Oh, the Chicago Bears…

Sad Brandon Marshall

Yeah, we’ll get back to the Green Bay Packers soon enough, but let’s take a moment to revel in the fact that the Chicago Bears (still) suck.

They’re 5-8, their season is over for all intents and purposes, and wrists are being slashed all over Chicago.

Remember, down the river, not across the street.

Anyway, we just wanted to take this space to recount the latest batch of misery for the Bears. Here ya go!

1. AIDs patient and Bears coach Marc Trestman, who probably won’t have a job much longer, is sticking with Jay Cutler as his quarterback. Totally going down with that ship! And that’s swell, but the Bears front office is said to have a case of buyer’s remorse with Cutler, who they laughably gave a seven-year, $126.7 million contract last offseason. That includes $54 million guaranteed.

It gets better. Receiver Brandon Marshall can totally understand how those clowns in the front office feel.

“That’s tough, man,” Marshall said. “What I would say is we all know Jay is more than capable of getting it done. It doesn’t always fall on him. I guess that’s why those guys are the highest paid players out there. Because when you win and everything is going good, they get all the glory. And when it’s bad, they take more than what they should take. But I can understand that as far as as a business man, I would have buyer’s remorse, too.”

I’ll tell ya what’s tough — when your No. 1 receiver publicly states that he doesn’t think his quarterback has played well this season.

2. Speaking of Marshall, he had something else interesting to say. Basically what we’re all thinking. The joke that is the Bears gets to play the joke that is the Saints on Monday Night Football this week.

That’s one of the reasons why Monday Night Football sucks. Shitty match-ups that cannot be altered. What should happen, Brandon?

“Yeah, they should take us both off ‘Monday Night Football’ right now,” Marshall said.

It’s unfortunate that that can’t happen, probably mostly for the NFL. I know I’m not watching and I’m not sure who else would.

3. It’s blame season in Chicago and there’s a lot to go around. Here’s Bears beat writer Jeff Dickerson, whose lifeless body we will probably find hanging from a beam in his apartment next week, blaming ownership.

The Bears have now missed the playoffs seven times in the past eight seasons. When a charter franchise of the National Football League reaches the postseason as infrequently as teams such the Jacksonville Jaguars (also one postseason berth in eight years), the problems run deep. Since the Bears fired Ditka as coach at the end of the 1992 season, the club that resides in the NFL’s second largest media market has qualified for the playoffs a grand total of five times. And people wonder why the 1985 Bears are treated like rock stars to this day. At this rate, Chicago will be celebrating the 40th anniversary of Super Bowl XX before the Vince Lombardi Trophy returns to Halas Hall. The Bears are going backward. This is easily the worst season of Bears football since Lovie Smith’s first year in 2004 (5-11). The difference is Smith’s team 10 years ago had zero expectations. The 2014 Bears were supposed to be contenders. Instead, fans are forced to watch the club simply play out the string. Blame whomever you want, but the real problems originate at the very top. What else needs to be said?

Ah, 1985…


If you’re going to be thankful for anything this holiday season, be thankful you’re not a Chicago Bears fan.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Pack Morris December 9, 2014


  2. Chad Lundberg December 9, 2014

    Why in the WORLD would you NOT watch that game??? I love nothing more than seeing two teams that I despise absolutely poor out their guts in a cry-fest game!!! I wanna see the Saints implode like they did against Cam Newton! This is awesome!

    1. E. Wolf December 9, 2014

      I actually like the Saints to a certain degree. I will forever be grateful for their services during that NFC Title game in January.
      Right now I am looking towards which NFC South team might be able to knock off a dangerous wild card (as hopefully Seattle will be). That used to the Saints at home, but no more. Right now I want Atlanta to win the division, because they have a better chance of knocking off a dangerous wild card team.

      1. Shawn Neuser December 9, 2014

        1) Seattle won’t be a wildcard.

        2) Seattle would absolutely pummel the Falcons.

        1. E. Wolf December 9, 2014

          I am not convinced of contention one. The Seahawks have to play in Arizona.
          The Seahawks would be favored in Atlanta to be sure, but they do not typically play well back East. Even if they win it would still be beneficial because continually travelling East is hard on West Coast teams.

          1. Phatgzus December 9, 2014

            Sure, they have to play on the road where (like most teams) they’re not nearly as good; however, DREW STANTON. That’s all I have to say about that.

            Again Seattle is not great on the road, esp. out East (understandable considering any such sojourn is at least 3,000 miles, thus jet lag IS a major factor), but the Playoffs are a whole nutha story and the dirty birds D would get pecked apart by the Seasquawks, not to mention ATL’s strength on O is Seattle’s on D.

          2. E. Wolf December 9, 2014

            Hi Phatzgus,

            I am not saying the Cardinals will win, I am saying it is by no means clear. There is a great chance the Seahawks will wind up as a wildcard.
            Also, I concede Seattle would be a favorite in Atlanta. Their victory however would not be a metaphysical certitude. Great possibility of an upset.

          3. pf4l December 9, 2014

            Seattle is back on track ever since Bobby Wagner came back. No one wants to play Seattle, as i stated in the Shields article, before this weeks games. This is why Green Bay being the top seed in the NFC is so important.

  3. therealChuckywasCecil December 9, 2014

    The few Bear fan friends I have always respond to my comparing our recent success to theirs with the following. “Well, we still own the all time Packer Bear series.” I believe with three more victories over them they lose this one as well.

    1. Phatgzus December 9, 2014

      So, essentially you’re saying that by the end of next season it’ll be ours?

  4. Shawn Neuser December 9, 2014

    OR you could be a Saints fan, who got pummeled at home by the horseshit Panthers. OR worse yet, you could be a 49er fan whose team pretty much got eliminated from the playoffs by the OAKLAND RAIDERS.

    Actually, we could go like this for probably about 30 teams…

    1. Phatgzus December 9, 2014

      The Broncos who were beaten by an all-time-Lions-great-Shaun-Hill-Led-Rams team (who the Hell spells it that way anyway? it’s Shawn or Sean, dammit!) for further example.

      One of the reasons I think Capers is a genius-he purposely let Krapperdink-and-dunk torch us 3 games straight so that the Niners would willingly sink their ship with the 126-million-dollar albatross. Absolutely great long con on his part, bravo to him.

      1. pf4l December 9, 2014


        1. Phatgzus December 10, 2014


      2. icebowl December 10, 2014

        A virtual Norman Einstein.

  5. Abe Frohman December 9, 2014

    1) How in HELL did we ever lose to the ‘Aints?
    2) But but but Jay Cutler was going to be the MVP! I think Jay Cutler deserves a raise, not to be cut/traded. Too bad they got rid of Josh McCown. He could have played spoiler.
    3) But but but the Bears were going to the Super Bowl!
    4) Bears management, please don’t fire anybody! Either that, or bring back Dave Wannestadt.

    1. E. Wolf December 9, 2014

      1) sometimes it is more about WHEN you play a team than who you play.

    2. Phatgzus December 9, 2014

      1) That was arguably the best game the ‘Aints played all year (the beat down in Pitt was a shocker too, but Big Ben was fuckin’ awful in that first half and they still almost blew it in the end) and we were close until that awful overturned 1st-down call on the Adams catch and the subsequent equally awful decision to run it behind Taylor on 4th down. Hell we were still in it, then Rodgers got hurt. The O also played uncharacteristically bad in the red zone (even worse than vs. NE IMO) what with at least 3 drive-killing penalties.

      1. TyKo Steamboat December 9, 2014

        when you have pretty boys on your football team that do a lot of cute commercials, you’re going to get everyones “best shot”

    3. Kozak December 10, 2014

      If you go to chicago football.com there’s an article that statistically VaJayJay is on track to have one of the greatest seasons EVER for Bears QB. How pathetic is that?

  6. Phatgzus December 9, 2014

    I almost feel bad for Brandon Marshall. Almost. The dude is a great talent, no doubt, but he’s a headcase (BPD). He just doesn’t have the mental fortitude to be a potential HoFer his body gives him the chance to be. I don’t care how badly your team is playing, you just don’t give up on yourself and you definitely don’t give up on your teammates and throw them under the bus, esp. on a national stage. I’d feel bad for his teammate except it’s Jay Cutler, who does exactly the same thing. No wonder they’re such great friends.

  7. billybong December 9, 2014

    i will be more thankful if they can pull off the upset and beat the Lions…

  8. Relampagoblanco December 9, 2014

    Being from Chicago I cannot begin to express the joy that this season of failed expectations from the Bears brings me. That team is so far from being a contender it’s unreal, yet every year in August Bears fans are quick to tell anyone who will listen how they will be winning the division and are Super Bowl bound. I was actually able to bait a buddy into an interesting futures bet: $100 that the Cubs win a World Series before the Bears win a Super Bowl.

    1. TyKo Steamboat December 9, 2014

      I know right…???

      Every year it’s something else. 4 years ago it was “Well…we have Brian Urlacher & we have an incredible defense!”

      This year it was “Well…we just signed Jared Allen & Lamar Houston & we have those 2 big bean-pole receivers!”


  9. rebelgb December 9, 2014

    I actually like the Bears, well I mean I hate them less than the Viqueens and the Lionsesses. I really do hope they wake up and make a change from top to bottom. Id rather be fighting for the division with Da Bears then with the dirty, low like piece of shit Lions, or the Godly awful and retarded stepchild’s the Viqueens.

    1. TyKo Steamboat December 9, 2014

      Are you retarded or just stupid?

      You hope the bears “wake up & make a change”?

  10. Howard December 9, 2014

    Obi Wan to McClosky, that is a great contract Emery gave future hall of famer, Cutler. Never mind those turnovers, they are not your concern. Tucker is the one you are looking for, keep him no matter the cost. Keep those experienced and wise over 35 veterans, they are fast. MD Jennings is a pro bowl safety. He is the key to your defense. Never mind those missed tackles, there is nothing there. You do not need to see trestmans record, it is not your concern. He is a offensive genius. Cutler and Trestman are leaders of men. Harbaugh is not available to you. You do not need to see available coaches credentials, they are not for you. You have all you need on your Super Bowl train. Everything is fine. Hall of fame players everywhere,Change is bad. Stay on the same path. All is well.