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Total Douche Thinks Jim Schwartz Pulled Total Douche Move

From the It Takes One to Know One Files, total douche (and Detroit Lions wide receiver) Golden Taint Tate says total douche (and Buffalo Bills defensive coordinator and former Lions coach) Jim Schwartz pulled a total douche move getting carried off the field on Sunday.

If you recall, Total Douche Schwartz was hoisted onto the shoulders of two Bills defenders after Buffalo stormed back to beat the Lions in Detroit on Sunday. The Bills, led by none other than Neck Beard himself.

Jim Schwartz

So, yes, getting carried off was obviously a douche move. What makes it even douchier is that Total Douche Schwartz told his players he wanted to be carried off if they won.

It wasn’t some sort of spur of the moment thing. It was totally premeditated, which is fucking lame, and also inches Total Douche Schwartz that much closer to taking the NFL’s douche mantle away from Total Douche Jim Harbaugh.

Man, if those two guys were in a room together, whoever else was in the room would be dead. Death by drowning in a pool of douche.

Now, Total Douche Taint Tate obviously plays for those Lions, but this is his first season in Detroit. As you’ll surely recall, Total Douche Taint Tate used to play for the Seattle Seahawks, where he engineered the all-time total douche play.

I speak, obviously, of the Fail Mary, where Total Douche Taint Tate not only blatantly and illegally pushed Sam Shields in the back and out of the play, but then went on to claim he caught a ball that M.D. Jennings intercepted.

So if ever there was an authority on being a total douche, it’s Total Douche Taint Tate.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Chad Lundberg October 7, 2014

    Douche’s throwing douche’s at each other. This is about as entertaining as it gets!!! They get a taste of their own medicine! I love it!! Can’t WAIT for Week 17!!

  2. BZ in BA October 7, 2014

    This is a great website, and is what internet journalism was meant to be.

  3. Danville Pack October 7, 2014

    This was a planned move? Seriously? Yeah it escalates Schwarz higher in Douchedom – but the category is Douche Assistants because the lame ass Schwarz douche is a coordinator job, unable to hold a head coach position. So really, he’d need to get promoted to compete with Jim “Khaki” Harbaugh for King of Douches.

    We need another category for the Douche who hired Scwarz in the first place. And the Buffalo Bills head coach should bitch-slap Scwarz for such a douche move.

  4. Crash October 7, 2014

    I saw this on the Mothership.go.com earlier and remember thinking that they could have titled the article: “Turd Calls Fellow Turd a Bigger Turd.”

    Seriously, just a couple of turds, doing turdly things. This is news now.

    1. the real russ letlow October 7, 2014

      sinkers or floaters?

  5. Shawn Neuser October 7, 2014

    Total effin shame that the Total Douche isn’t head coach of the Detroit Douches any more. TOTAL SHAME.

    The Golden Taint, DonkeyKong Suh, Dick Fairley, Dominic Ravioli, Butterball… You have like a D-Bag superhero team over there.

    1. Savage57 October 8, 2014

      You forgot the dancing human turd, Fauria.

  6. icebowl October 7, 2014

    thanks for the laughs guys….
    Keep it coming….

    My 2¢ worth : Butterball’s got nothing on Andrew “Oversized Leprechaun” Luck when it comes to neckbeards…

  7. icebowl October 7, 2014

    Add the douche Kittens fan(s) that shot green laser at eyes of “Shaggy” Orton and holder Colton Schmidt during game…

    Total scumbags….
    Curious to see how NFL will prevent copycating …..

    1. Tucson Packer October 8, 2014

      I didnt hear about the laser thing. What a classy fanbase, sad to say im not all that surprised

  8. Deepsky October 7, 2014

    After Schwartz fails at every level, I can imagine him crushing some 9 year olds in Pee Wee football after he asks them carry him off.

  9. Danville Pack October 7, 2014

    We need a string on Luck’s neck beard. Totally hideous. What I want to know is how he managed to film The Hobbit trilogy and still manage training camp. C’mon, we all know he has to have hair on top of his feet.

  10. Garrett Morris October 8, 2014

    The following should be loudly announced with an English accent:

    “Lord and Lady Douche Bag”

  11. Savage57 October 8, 2014

    Guys like these two jizz-gobbling P’sOS make you wonder why more players in the NFL aren’t carrying shivs and ice picks.

  12. 13time1265 October 8, 2014

    A douche calling out a douche has to have a catchy phrase.