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Predictions: Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers

Sad Christian Ponder

Shawn (2-2) — The Minnesota Vikings come to town on Thursday night, and them and their fans are on a high after wrecking a disinterested Atlanta Falcons team last weekend. The Vikings ran the ball with ease and Teddy Bridgewater faced zero pressure in an impressive debut performance.

There’s little in the NFL that gives me more pleasure than crushing the hopes and dreams of Viking Nation. I think this week will be a sobering one for the hopeless losers across the river.

First of all, Bridgewater hurt himself near the end of the game on Sunday, and without him, I don’t think the Vikings have any chance of keeping this game close. There are few records, even for the sorriest franchise in the NFL, that are more rife with shocking futility than that of Christian Ponder at Lambeau Field. If this was a Sunday game, I would give Bridgewater a good shot of playing, but the fact that it’s a Thursday night game makes it highly unlikely.

It is a long season and the Vikes hope to get a long career out of Bridgewater. They won’t take any chances. Plus, a Thursday game means there were only two practices during the week and Bridgewater missed both.

The Vikings will look to run the football either way. They blitzed the Falcons for 241 yards last week and the Packers currently rank dead last in the NFL against the run. I expect the Vikings will have some luck running the football. I don’t expect the Packers to morph into a stout unit over night. However, as we saw with the Bears, it won’t be enough.

If Bridgewater plays, the Vikings will have a more threatening passing attack and the benefit of his feet. They do have some decent weapons on the outside, but they aren’t as good as what the Bears bring to the table.

The main issue as I see it is that the Vikings don’t have the pass rushers or the secondary to do much better than the Bears did on Sunday. I expect the Packers offense, with momentum and playing a home game, to remain in rhythm and producing. Ultimately, the Vikings should have to abandon the running game and take to the air to try to keep up. Good luck with that.

If Bridgewater were to actually play, I call it 38-20. If he doesn’t play, then I give the Vikings no more than 13 points. Either way the Packers should win this one by at least two scores.

I am hoping that this is a great opportunity for the defense to make some plays and gain some confidence against an offense with a decent line and some weapons, but not quite there yet.

Packers 38, Vikings 13

Andrew (3-1) — The “I’m in Vegas and too tired” brevity edition.

Packers 28, Vikings 27

Monty (1-3) — Fucking Chitko. Vegas can suck my donkey dong and so can the Minnesota Vikings.

Hey, have you noticed anything about Thursday Night Football? The NFL was all like, “Oh, we’re actually going to put some decent matchups on Thursday night this year now that CBS has the broadcast rights. No more varsity vs. JV duds. No more blowouts!”

Yeah, well, all of these games have still been blowouts, even though the matchups are somewhat more attractive. This should be a lesson to you NFL. Professional football is not meant to be played on Thursday nights, except maybe to kick off the season.

And it most certainly isn’t meant to be played with Phil Simms providing color commentary. So, strike two, assholes!

Anyway, we’ve got a game and there’s nothing we can do about it — except curb stomp those inbred shitfucks from Minnesota. Is there anything that I enjoy more than the Green Bay Packers pounding the shit out of the Minnesota Vikings?

Nothing comes to mind.

So, look, the Vikings don’t have that child abusing prick Adrian Peterson anymore, but they can still run the ball. I could care less what their names are, but the Vikings appear to have two guys who can still tote the football adequately. Amazing what you can accomplish when you have a line that can run block…

The Packers, of course, can’t stop the run.

The good news is the Packers can get after the passer, so I really don’t give a shit about the Vikings running the football. Run all you want, Runny!

At some point this game, which we know is going to be a blowout, is going to come down to the legendary Christian Ponder. And that’s where the Packers defense is going to tee off.

I had a dream last night where Julius Peppers buried Christian Ponder up to his neck and then struck his face with a driver and watched his head sail off into the distance. I think something like that’s probably going to happen in the third quarter tonight.

This, of course, is all dependent on Aaron Rodgers. Good Aaron Rodgers — the guy who showed up last week — has to show up again tonight. Awful, Disinterested Prick Aaron Rodgers — the guy who showed up for most of the first three weeks — needs to stay the hell away.

I have a good feeling.

Skol this, you fucks.

Packers 35, Vikings 13


Shawn Neuser attended UWGB and lives and works in Green Bay. He enjoys long walks on the beach and being intimate with game film.



  1. [email protected] October 2, 2014

    Dear God but I hate the Viqueens…..putting this link here, too, since I want to make sure you guys check out the new Hormel Cili Dome!

    Hey, Andrew, I realize you are probably busy at the roulette wheel and/or snorting coke off legal prostitutes’ asses, but what the hell? You pick the pack by only 1 point with NO explanation????


    1. nurseratchett October 2, 2014


    2. Andrew Chitko October 2, 2014

      I made this prediction with the assumption that Bridgewater would play. After I talked to Shawn and thought about it a little more, I realized there was a very high likelihood Bridgewater would be a late scratch…I mean why risk the franchise on a short week, no practice and an injury? So I bet the Pack -8 before I left town. With Bridgewater I anticipated we would have some difficulty but not with Ponder.

      Pay at this window!

  2. guysocke October 2, 2014

    Two words – Chris Restivo.

  3. Andy October 2, 2014

    I hope we get to see Ponder, i cant quite remember any player as inept as this guy, bridgewater could cause us some problems, none the less i suspect they wont be able to keep up either way.

    My concern is if MM decides he’s going to get the run attempts up just for the fuck of it, and run early and often. All that tends to do is get us in 3rd and longs. I appreciate the need for balance, we just dont have the o-line to force the run.

  4. UncleGravySword October 2, 2014

    Bridgewater will play and Capers will be like “shit – we didn’t game plan for him at all. What is this running around thing they’re doing? Oh, read-option? Am I saying that right? It sounds familiar but I’ve never really looked into it.”

    McCarthy will keep trying to run out of the shotgun instead of letting lacy run downhill. Offense will sputter in the rain. Vikings 28 Packers 10

    1. Zwoeger October 2, 2014

      About that exept for the score. Otherwise Ponder will run like hell. Everybody does against us.

  5. Don Q October 2, 2014

    If Teddy Bear plays he’ll still be a gimp. I just can’t see this one being close. 34-13 Pack!

  6. TC October 2, 2014

    A lot depends on how bad the Packer defense plays, and if they play bad, hope that Rodgers can overcome that like he normally does.

  7. disposable hero October 2, 2014

    24-17 Pack. I don’t see our run defense holding the two unknown RBs out of the endzone. I also see MM falling into his typical run, run, pass pattern. We’re at home, we have QB1 and they have a gimpy Pondwater and or future HOF Ponder so we still win. BTW, statistically Eddie has been running better out of the gun so we’ll see what tonight brings.

  8. Organicbuzz October 2, 2014

    Run defense won’t improve, if Rodgers doesn’t play at a Godlike level we will lose.

  9. Cheese October 2, 2014

    Maybe our defense sucks at stopping the run because the offensive line makes them look great in practice????

  10. icebowl October 2, 2014

    Good point Cheese….

    38-27 Packers

  11. Howard October 2, 2014

    Tighten up the D line gaps, bring the linebackers closer to the line, do not let a bubble screen or return go all the way.

    The linebackers for the Vikings can be exploited by the TE ‘s and RB’s on passes and on the edge. Vikings D-line can be pushed.

    Pack wins. Go Pack.

  12. Fresher than Wonder Bread October 2, 2014

    Is that Burnett making plays??

  13. Shawn Neuser October 2, 2014

    I change my prediction to an ass whooping. Peace.

  14. Howard October 2, 2014

    What a bunch of Inbred Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosers!