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Jim Schwartz Carried Off, Neck Beard Celebrates Like Mad

The Detroit Lions pulled some very Detroit Lions’ shit today, losing to the Buffalo Bills 17-14 after blowing a 14-0 lead… at home.

In the process, they gave up sole position of first place in the NFC North. They’re now tied with the Green Bay Packers for that spot at 3-2.

Now, two other things of interest here.

First, is Chicago Bears great Neck Beard started at quarterback for the Bills today. Neck Beard no longer has a neck beard. Instead, he’s replaced that with a creepy-ass child molester mustache.

So maybe we should stop calling him Neck Beard and start calling him Chester. As in Chester the Child Molester.

Who wants to bet he has a sweet-ass white, windowless van sitting in his driveway in Buffalo?

Sweet van or no, Neck Beard — or Chester, if you prefer — was pretty damn excited about beating the Leos on Sunday.

Kyle Orton celebrating

Just running around in circles giving high fives to guys who aren’t giving high fives to him…

Another side note to this contest is Jim Schwartz.

Schwartz used to coach the Leos. His magnificent coaching job led to the Lions’ bed shitting of 2013, when they had no business doing anything but winning the division and then somehow didn’t win the division. Because, Lions. And Schwartz.

Seriously, Schwartz is, was and will always be a total piece of shit. He’s the only guy who can give Jim Harbaugh a run for the NFL’s biggest douche title.

Schwartz is now the Bills defensive coordinator.

So naturally he was also pretty excited about beating his former employer (and players). So excited that he let a couple of his current players carry him off the field like he just won the Super Bowl.

Because that’s how a douche like Jim Schwartz rolls. And also, that’s the closest this shitbird will ever get to a Super Bowl — by pretending a win over the Lions was the Super Bowl.

Jim Schwartz

Live it up, Douchey!

(images here and here)

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. big gay clay October 5, 2014

    Haha what a turd. Glad the Leos lost tho

  2. Chad Lundberg October 5, 2014

    Haha!! I loved this!!! Schwartz is a douche but seeing the pussycats get owned and taunted by him was a wonderful sight to behold!!

  3. Nick Perry October 5, 2014

    Can’t wait till week 17 at Lambeau. I can see it now, the Packers playing for a Bye and Home Field advantage and beat down the Lions and knock them out of a wildcard birth. Fuck the Lions!

  4. Shawn Neuser October 5, 2014

    HAHAHA!!! This and Greg Olson catching the winning TD against the Bears pretty much made my day.

  5. Andrew Chitko October 5, 2014

    Classy move from this toolbox as always. This little juvenile stunt will assure he doesn’t get a sniff as a head coach for another few years. Well done.

  6. Ed west October 5, 2014

    Reports say he asked his guys to do this during otas. Sitton is right, he’s a dick.

  7. BZ in BA October 5, 2014

    In Argentine Spanish, the word “orto” means rectum/ass hole, so “Orton” (or “Ortón”, with the accent on the second syllable) means “big ass/rectum”. I thought you might like to know that. In the same light, the word “puto” means homo, and thus “putín” (as in the Russian president Vladamir Putin) means “small homo”, or “mini-fag”.

    Saludos, BZ.

  8. icebowl October 6, 2014

    Thanks BZ . Great factoids…..

    Who says you can’t learn shit from totalpackers.com….

    Now tell me that Farve means “interceptions” and I’ll be fluent in Spanish…

    1. Savage57 October 7, 2014

      Funny shit boys.

      by the way, “Vikings” in any language means ‘vagina’.

  9. icebowl October 7, 2014

    Twice during the Bills’ eventual last-second win, players could be seen complaining to officials while pointing to their eyes. After the game, both quarterback Kyle Orton and kicker Dan Carpenter, the players who issued the in-game complaints, confirmed the laser distraction. Orton noticed the laser “a couple times,” while Carpenter said his holder, Colton Schmidt, had the green light shined into his eyes while holding on a 50-yard field goal Carpenter went on to miss