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Jay Cutler is Winning the MVP

ref knocks Jay Cutler's helmet off

You know who’s winning NFL MVP this year? He’s the quarterback of the Chicago Bears. Say it with me — Cutty! Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuty! Cu-tay! That’s right, folks! Jay Cutler, your favorite sad sack of don’t care, is winning the NFL MVP this year.

How do we know this? Well, Bears receiver Brandon Marshall said so. He says Cutty! absolutely can win MVP this year. Then…

Check out this dime of wisdom.

“I don’t think anybody would believe it,” Marshall said. “I don’t know why they wouldn’t believe it. [But] this is a different person. I don’t know this guy. I don’t know this new Jay Cutler. Maybe his new name is like Joshua or something. This is a totally different guy. Just call him Joshua Cutler. That’s what the ‘J’ stands for.”

Oh my. So much going on there!

Marshall doesn’t think anybody would believe it, but he doesn’t know why anyone wouldn’t believe it…

???????????????????

Aaaaaaaaaand, done trying to figure out what the fuck that means.

Also, Cu-tay! has a new name! No more Jay. Now it’s Joshua!

Because…

Well, because batshit crazy Brandon Marshall said it! And it just makes perfect sense!

Right?

Michael Irvin was hanging around at Bears camp too. He took a moment away from doing lines off a hooker’s ass and asked Marshall about his proclamation. And yes, Marshall told Irvin the same thing.

Cutty! = MVP.

“I want to see what happens when they have a healthy Jay Cutler,” Irvin said. “I asked Brandon that very question; what do you think a healthy Jay Cutler for 16 games [can accomplish]? He said ‘MVP in the league.’ I said that’s high praise right there; you’re just going to take Peyton Manning off that shelf and just going to put Jay Cutler right up there like that? That’s the way he sees it.”

That’s the way we all see it, isn’t it?

Cutty! is a once-in-a-generation talent. He’s the kind of guy built for playoff success, but not before he shatters passing records in the regular season. He’s known for his toughness and leadership ability and finally — finally! — all of those traits that make him such a wonderful human being AND football player are going to be rewarded!

We certainly cannot wait.

Jay Cutler

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Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

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16 Comments

  1. Kato July 30, 2014

    HAHAHAHAHAHA. As I saw on nfl.com, “now that he has a bunch of help around him he is going to win MVP. How ironic.”

  2. RelampagoBlanco July 30, 2014

    The worst part about this is that Bears fans are actually buying into this garbage. I can’t wait for them to finish 9-7 and miss the playoffs yet again.

  3. Nacho dan July 30, 2014

    Jay is not short for Joshua tard

  4. Carl with a "C" July 30, 2014

    Marshal knows something about multiple personalities… Smokin Joshua Cuntler!!!! Sidenote: somehow E. Wolf’s gonna ruin all this like normal

  5. Cheese July 30, 2014

    I don’t get why the media is boasting the Bears up so much this offseason.

    1. Nacho dan July 30, 2014

      Because it’s one of the biggest markets.

    2. Kato July 31, 2014

      Because they made free agent acquisitions that are going to make the defense magically better, they have tall receivers, and they are in year two of the offensive wizards program. In all seriousness I do think they will be pretty good, but in the end I believe cutler may hold them back. Then again I thought the same about Flacco.

  6. packnutt July 30, 2014

    Best pic of Cuntler ever. Fuck da Bears!

  7. DINO CHAVEZ July 30, 2014

    CANT STAND THE BEARS.

  8. Howard July 30, 2014

    Based on Cutler’s photo with the dog we had better watch what we say about Cutler or we will have that activist Kluwe after us protecting Cutlers rights as a LGBT.

  9. Bob July 31, 2014

    I am not sure how the picture with the dog makes him gay. I mean he just looks like some douche out walking his dog. The fact that he and Aaron Rodgers like to sneak off after games and have their own version of Romeo and Juliet (with more butt sex and golden showers) is a little more telling.

    1. Howard July 31, 2014

      Geez Bob it reads like you were involved personally. Quit trying to interject Rodgers into those special moments you and Cutler had together. Also I would appreciate it if you would quit bad mouthing the dog in the picture. The dog is just an unwilling participant.

      1. The Money Mike July 31, 2014

        Look at the poor bastard…just pissed haha

  10. geopack July 31, 2014

    Funny Marshall used the name of the QB he played with last year, Joshua McCown. Maybe that’s who he meant for MVP, the QB for the Bucs.

  11. Josh July 31, 2014

    Cutty’s nickname is Joshua now? Shit. Now I gotta change my name.

  12. The Money Mike July 31, 2014

    “Jay Cutler can win MVP” Is this a joke? Seriously, I’m not kidding.