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Why the Chicago Bears Suck

Chicago Bears meme

The Chicago Bears. The Monsters of the Midway. Their fans still live every day like this is 1985. Just look at how they dress. This is not 1985 though. Your cassette tape of the Super Bowl Shuffle is neither cool nor ironically cool. It’s just sad, like you, Chicago Bears fan. Here’s why the Chicago Bears suck.

Team: Chicago Bears

2013 record: 8-8

It’s almost as if they had a chance to win the NFC North in the final game of the season, playing at home…

Aaron Rodgers to Randall Cobb

Oh, that’s right. They’re the Chicago Bears. Not only do they suck, but they also like to choke in big games.

Coach: His name is Marc Trestman. He’s clearly an AIDs patient. Just take a look.

Marc Trestman

He’s also an offensive mastermind. Do you know who else was an offensive mastermind? Mike Martz. Guess what he couldn’t do. Just like Marc Trestman, he couldn’t coach defense. Could be why the Bears — historically known for their great defenses — were total shit on defense last season.

Maybe Trestman has too many AIDs in his brain to be able to formulate both offensive and defensive game plans. He will make old Cutty! look like a serviceable NFL quarterback though — one you’d pay a lot of money too. And that’s really all Bears management wants right now. Because they did pay that quarterback a lot of money, despite his most impressive career victory being the one over Kristin Cavallari’s vagina.

By the way, Martz never won a Super Bowl despite the presence of guys like Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce and Tory Holt. Marc Trestman does not even have that kind of talent at his disposal.

Quarterback: Cutty!, also known to some as Jay Cutler, quarterbacks the Chicago Bears. He consistently leads the league in area of chin and neck that is indiscernible between chin OR neck and doooooooon’t caaaaaaaaare.

ref knocks Jay Cutler's helmet off

Cutty! is your typical middle of the road NFL quarterback. He puts up slightly above-average stats, which are actually just good enough to keep him in a starting job. He’s never won a big game and, in fact, is probably the last guy you’d want quarterbacking your team with the game on the line. But hey, have you seen THAT ARM!? Huge arm, that Cutty! Can make all the throws!

Unfortunately, that huge arm has only gotten Jay Cutler one thing — a bigger shirt.

His mediocrity, on the other hand, landed Cutler a seven-year contract worth $126 million back in January. Of that, $54 million is guaranteed because, clearly, this is they guy that’s going to lead the Bears to the promised land.

Why the Chicago Bears Suck

First of all, they released their best defender, Julius Peppers, this offseason. He signed with the Packers. The Bears went and signed former Packers safety M.D. Jennings, who Green Bay renounced their rights to. So essentially, the Bears traded Peppers for Jennings.

That’s the kind of front office know how that keeps a team on top! Or at least in the middle…

The same kind of know how that makes you give $54 million guaranteed to Cutty!, who has turned in zero Pro Bowl seasons since coming to Chicago in 2009.

Anyway, about that defense. The Bears defensive line sucked so bad last season that they went out and replaced almost the entire group. Of course, they did that with a bunch of retreads. They signed Jared Allen, who the Vikings no longer wanted. The Vikings! They signed LaMarr Houston, who the Raiders — the team with the most salary cap space in the league — didn’t want back. Nothing strange there. They signed Jay Ratliff, who the Cowboys — the absolute worst defense in the NFL — didn’t want.

And, Chris Conte. See above.

Okay, here’s where they don’t suck

Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery, Matt Forte. I mean, just imagine if they played with Aaron Rodgers.

Top Five Chicago Bears Turds

5. M.D. Jennings — Yes, already. He better play as poorly for the Bears this year as he did for the Packers last year.

4. Brian Urlacher — Anyone with a barbed wire tattoo around their arm automatically qualifies for a list like this.

3. Jim Harbaugh — He was a dick when he played for the Bears and he’s a dick now.

2. William Perry — Has a mediocre fat fuck ever gotten more publicity in NFL history? I mean, you’d actually think he was a good player. He wasn’t. It’s just because Ditka gave him the ball as a running back in that game against the Packers.

1. 1980s Jim McMahon — Not be confused with 1990s Jim McMahon, who was both tolerable and played for the Packers. No, we’re talking about the Funky QB. Thank god for Charles Martin.

Charles Martin

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Pack Morris June 16, 2014

    Comprehensive. I like it.

  2. shane June 16, 2014

    You are and idiot

  3. Howard June 16, 2014

    Hey the Bears suck. I really dislike the Bears. I hate the Lions and really hate and despise the despicable Vikings. The one thing I have to disagree with is the Martin hit on McMahon. McMahon was a jerk ; however the Matin hit was a low rent move and one of the lowest points of being a packer fan. The late dirty hit by Martin was not a football play or even close to one. It pains me to say it but Martin deserved a worse penalty than he received. The play was a lot worse than Suh stomping on EDS.

    1. The Money Mike June 17, 2014

      It ruined McMahon’s career

  4. Dave June 16, 2014

    This is a disgrace to packers fans everywhere. You aren’t real packers fan…you obviously have no sportsmanship. I GUARANTEE if the Packers organization saw this they would kick you to the curb. You never wish pain upon any player and it doesn’t matter if it’s your teams rivalry. The guy who wrote this knows nothing about football and is obviously a bandwagon fan because a real fan knows that they are part of the team they cheer for and also represent that team. This just makes our team look stupid. This isn’t how you go about being a fan. A REAL fan shows up or tunes in on Sunday and cheers your team on. Yes, trash talking is OK but this is not that. This is violent and disrespectful. So get your cheese head straight and start being respectful. GO PACK!

    1. You Enjoy Myself June 17, 2014

      “the guy who wrote this”

      LOL…welcome to the internet… now go away…

  5. Jim June 16, 2014

    Interesting how you rip on the Bears for dumping Peppers while complimenting the Packers for picking him up, and then rip on the Bears again for signing Allen. Allen is two years younger, produces more sacks and tackles, and is cheaper then Peppers was for us. Packers are taking an aging Peppers and switching his position after an entire career at DE, now he’s going to be running even more. No one in Chicago is disappointed by this and I’m pretty sure most analysts agree it was a great move.

    I won’t get into the rest of your horribly biased and shitty report (Jennings will be a backup for us by the way, the Packers are the idiots who started him for two seasons).

    1. ferris June 16, 2014

      I have never been on a pro-Bears website, I’m a Packers fan. Your presence here furthers regular readers of this site (Packers fans) opinions that Bears fans know they have NO chance of winning a Super Bowl so all they can do it hope and pray Green Bay does not. It is their only salvation. By the way all Green Bay fans hate Allen, I’m so glad GB didn’t sign him he is not Packers material. Neither are you.

      1. C.C. June 17, 2014

        “I’m so glad GB didn’t sign him he is not Packers material. Neither are you.” – POW, The bears still suck..

      2. You Enjoy Myself June 17, 2014

        Well said. Lets go complain about some satire bears article on a Packers website…

  6. kato June 16, 2014

    Yeah I you want to look at it objectively the bears releasing peppers was the right move for the organization. Why the hell would you pay a defensive end 17 million that is 34 years old and piled up 7.5 sacks? Just saying, pretty sure any organization would do the same

  7. Alec June 16, 2014

    It’s worth noting, that the City of Chicago is pretty ridiculously awesome though. I say despite terrible traffic and high taxes… Great restaurants, nightlife, terrific neighborhoods, museums, etc.

  8. mausy June 16, 2014

    i saw rodgers lousy pass in person,it was 20 yards underthrown and wouldn’t even be a subject if it weren’t for conte being such a bumb,zack bowman almost made the play while covering 30 yards of ground.it was a horrible pass and rodgers knows it.

    1. The Money Mike June 17, 2014

      But we won fair and square, so at the end of the day it didn’t fucking matter, dirty gets the job done, maybe your fuck of a quarterback will learn that some day

    2. Phatgzus June 17, 2014

      20 yards, eh? Better put on some more layers, son, your bitterness is showing.

    3. Shawn Neuser June 17, 2014

      If you overthrow it, you blow it. All the pass needed to do was beat Bowman, and it did. In fact, it really wasn’t even close as proven by the fact that Bowman couldn’t even get to Cobb before he got into the endzone.

  9. Howard June 16, 2014

    Massey: How did you feel about that so called lousy pass after the game was over. At least Rodgers so called under thrown game winning touchdown pass didn’t get intercepted like Cutlers underthrown game losing pass at the end of the game. It is the difference between being a loser and a winner.

  10. Howard June 16, 2014

    Mausy and Jim: You really have poor memories. It was not Conte’s fault you lost the game. Peppers had a strip sack on Rodgers that all your linebackers and DB’s stood and staired at for seconds with no attempt to make a football play while we scored a TD. Peppers was the star of the game for your team if any of the rest of your defense could make a easy play. Now we have Peppers and you have a safety (MD Jennings) to replace Conte. I think it is a great trade. The Bears should be proud.

  11. Chicago bears fan June 16, 2014

    Ohh shut up you rednecks! you don’t know what the hell your talking about. Good luck in green base when jared Allen is sacking Rodgers and julious peppers is playing right bench.

  12. DON June 16, 2014


    1. Tucson Packer June 17, 2014

      Oh my Don, based on recent history you are obviously correct, and you’re caps lock is stuck :/

  13. silent b June 17, 2014

    This Bears fan who can’t spell the word “bum” is amazing. Just add silent B’s to everything you dumb cumb-loving Bear fan. Three letter words can be tough!

  14. MGP June 17, 2014

    “Coach: His name is Marc Trestman. He’s clearly an AIDs patient. Just take a look”.

    Jesus Monty…

    Totally unnecessary…

    1. The Money Mike June 17, 2014

      Unecessary..but true. Keep it up Monty, this isn’t ESPN, this is the truth.

  15. The Money Mike June 17, 2014

    “By the way, Martz never won a Super Bowl despite the presence of guys like Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce and Tory Holt.” Pure definition of you play to the talent level of your coach/how you are coached

    1. Shawn Neuser June 17, 2014

      Martz won a Super Bowl as OC with the Rams, and would have won another as HC if not for the Patriots recording their practices and other nonsense in that game.

  16. Phatgzus June 17, 2014

    @AlecAll that may be true, but Chicago also has the highest murder rate in the U.S.; unless you’re well-to-due you probably won’t be staying in a great neighborhood considering the CoL in Chi-Town.

  17. Phatgzus June 17, 2014

    @AlecAll that may be true, but Chicago also has the highest murder rate in the U.S.; unless you’re well-to-due you probably won’t be staying in a great neighborhood considering the CoL in Chi-Town.

  18. Tom June 12, 2016

    Why would you write about looking like an AIDS patient. How is illness funny?