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Let’s Grade These NFL Draft Classes!

Teddy Bridgewater at the NFL Draft: total ecstasy

Hey, the 2014 NFL Draft just ended, but you know what? It’s never to early to grade those draft classes! Everybody’s doin’ it!

It’s like predicting a baby’s lifetime net worth before the doctor even wipes the afterbirth off. But who gives a shit about that?! Draft grades rule! And who better to give out these pointless fucking grades than us?

Nobody! That’s who!

We’re not going to grade the entire NFL though. I mean, seriously. Who gives a crap about what the Jacksonville Jaguars or Tampa Bay Buccaneers did?

Chicago Bears
All the Bears did in this draft was address their shitty defense. They took cornerback Kyle Fuller in the first, defensive tackle Ego Ferguson in the second and another defensive tackle, Will Sutton, in the third. All three of these guys are All Pros. I don’t mean in the future. I mean right now! Already slated into All Pro status for 2014, just ask any Bears fan. The Bears also took some safety from Minnesota in the fourth. Just by stepping foot in Halas Hall he surpassed M.D. Jennings on the depth chart. So with all this new defense to replace their old, crap defense, the Bears are clearly going all the way to the Super Bowl! And that’s why they get an A+.

Detroit Lions
What did the Lions need entering the draft? Well, they probably needed some defensive backs. They didn’t get one until the fourth round, but you know whoever that guy is, he’s the second coming of Night Train Lane. The Lions also got the draft’s best tight end in the first with Eric Ebron. They also god a good outside linebacker with Kyle Van Noy in the second. Most importantly, they got center Travis Swanson in the third. He can replace that flaming pile of pig shit Dominic Raiola. For that reason and because they reincarnated Dick Lane, the Lions get an A+!

Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings had 10 draft picks and guess what. All 10 of them a future Hall of Famers! How could I possibly know that already? Well, a bunch of Vikings fans told me. They’re always spot on when it comes to football knowledge. The Vikings had two first-round selections. With the first one they took outside linebacker Anthony Barr. With the second they took quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. You know what they got with those two picks? The 2014 defensive player of the year and the 2014 NFL MVP! That’s just how awesome the Vikings are. They’ll be facing the Bears in the Super Bowl this year. Impossible, you say? Not anymore. These two franchise are just so great, they will somehow make it happen! For landing the best offensive and defensive players in the entire NFL in one round, the Vikings get an A+.

Green Bay Packers
The Packers have expertly seen the future. It’s a future where all teams will employ the eight-receiver set. While some teams will be left scrambling because of their lack of receivers, Ted Thompson has put the Packers in a position to be ready. He drafted three receivers to go with the five he already has. You see? Perfect! The Packers also grabbed safety Ha Ha Clinton Dix in the first round, but they’ll be converting him to receiver once minicamp begins. His range and ball skills are sure to translate well. Eventually, the Green Bay Packers plan to give up playing defense altogether. They’ll just leave their offense on the field, which will confuse the hell out of the opposition. And they’ll have plenty of guys to do so with their nine receivers. For this forethought, the Packers get an A+.

Rest of the NFL
There were reportedly a bunch of other NFL teams that drafted some guys too, but shit breads shit. All of those teams picked a bunch of shitty players. That’s why they’re shitty teams to begin with. At this rate, everyone not in the NFC North will be drafting at No. 1 overall next year. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but we’ll leave it up to The Ginger to figure out. The rest of the NFL drafted a bunch of nobodies. That’s why they get an F.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. the real russ letlow May 12, 2014

    absolutely beautiful!

  2. E. Wolf May 12, 2014

    Well, it is as legitimate as Pete Priscos grades. Pete Prisco gave Eddie Lacy about a C, maybe a C +. maybe a C-. …

  3. icebowl May 12, 2014

    A true masterpiece Monty….
    You’ve reached the pinnacle of ironic sports reporting…
    Keep up the great work, really enjoy reading your stuff…

  4. C.C. May 12, 2014

    Hilarious! Great Article.

  5. Howard May 12, 2014

    And all the other teams cheat except for the Pack.

    1. [email protected] May 12, 2014

      Excellent point that Monty missed!

  6. Phargzus May 12, 2014

    Pretty, prettty, pretty good, Mr. McMahon; I esp. love the idea of the offense playing defense-pretty sure Aaron Rodgers would make a great OLB, he may be an undersized project, but he has fantastic instincts and a helluva club move.

  7. Beijing Pack fan May 12, 2014

    This is much much better and a lot more accurate than the crap on the nfl network and espn. Also I think capers would secretly vote for the idea of the offense staying on the field all the time.

  8. K.L. May 12, 2014

    A little too much sarcasm. I suppose it’s silly of me to expect serious analysis from this website though.

    I really think the Vikings will be contenders this year with the additions they’ve made. Lions didn’t need Ebron but they got him. It’s gonna be hell trying to cover all their receivers. Kyle Fuller to the Bears was a questionable pick, especially at their position in the first round.

    They’re all better teams now and I’m glad. I don’t want the NFC north to be handed to us on a silver platter every season. Bring on the competition.

  9. knucklehead May 12, 2014

    Blah Blah K.L. The whole fucking point of this is that the NFL decided to milk the draft for everything it was worth…making this non-event into some amazing spectacle, while making us wait for a month for it. This is the first time I’ve started to feel bitter towards the NFL. Maybe that dick head Cuban was on to something.

    The mock drafts are all bullshit and pretending to know how players will perform in the future is complete bullshit. More than half of these guys won’t even be in the league in two years.

    How many of the first and second rounders will be total busts? Nobody God-damned knows.

    You are completely deluding yourself if you think you can judge what any team is going to do next season by the draft.