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Minnesota Vikings

Minnesota Vikings Fans: Jared Allen is a Trader

Jared Allen: trader

Oh my god… It’s just too goddam easy sometimes. Minnesota Vikings fans, the bottom of the NFL barrel, the bottom of any and all barrels, the most ignorant of the ignorant — they always, somehow, manage to outdo themselves.

Today, Viking great, Hormel Chili lover and sheep expert, Jared Allen signed with the division rival Chicago Bears. And Vikings fans were furious!

Furious I tell you! Never mind that the Vikings didn’t want Allen back. Never mind that they had absolutely no problem when a certain former Green Bay Packer signed with their crappy team. Forget all that!

Yeah, we could keep going. Jared Allen is a trader, you see.

A trader!

So many moronic Vikings fans have called Allen a “trader” today that “Jared Allen trader” was briefly trending on Twitter this morning.

And you just know Vikings fans are reading this right now, completely missing the point and uttering to their troglodytic selves, “but he is a trader!”

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Pete D March 26, 2014

    This was a fun piece.

    1. Savage57 March 26, 2014

      If the Calf Raper going to Chicago elicits this kind of angst, Christ, I can’t wait until AP goes to another team.

      Prince, can a soulja get an update on a song?

      “Viking fans be dying like it’s 1929”

      No, wait, that’s right, those dumb fucks would be dyeing.

  2. Charlie Martin March 26, 2014

    lol JJ Stokes. now there’s a throwback

  3. Jurgens March 26, 2014

    “Jared Allen Trader” was TRENDING this morning. I just… how… so stupid. They’re so stupid.

  4. therealChuckywasCecil March 26, 2014

    priceless irony, it’s the new purple

  5. the real russ letlow March 26, 2014

    well, well…..just what is he trading? football cards? hugs & kisses? but the biggest TRAITOR of all time played for those schmucks. oh, the hipocracy! ha ha!

    1. Abe Frohman March 27, 2014

      Shoot….you went and did it. I was laughing to myself that some queens fans would be reading this post thinking “what’s the point of this story? Yeah, Allen is a trader. And…??”

  6. Adam March 26, 2014

    Shit… All that hate for a guy who just wants to barter goods?

  7. billybong March 26, 2014

    pop up city here.

  8. joey March 26, 2014

    This is just sad. I’m a Vikings fan and I was about to laugh at your ignorance in this thread after the first misspelling. Then I saw the actual tweets . . . I cant even try it since he wasn’t even traded, he was a FA pickup. Wow

  9. Cuban March 26, 2014

    I almost wanna feel sorry for how fucking stupid these people are, but then i would feel like a trader for having sympathy for a vikings fan

  10. Lisa March 26, 2014

    That is funny as hell!

  11. Pack attack March 26, 2014

    Do they shop at traitor joe’s?

    1. K.L. March 27, 2014


  12. Cheese March 26, 2014

    Do they not realize he played for the Chiefs before coming to Minnesota?

  13. Ejs March 27, 2014

    Most of the vikings fan base are not mad because he went to the Bears, although its a shame, but the real bummer is he went to a worthless team. The Bears arent even contenders! Nor are the worthless Packers, nor the Lions or the Vikings (without a QB). The Vikings were his best bet, but goodluck to him. At least his isnt a part of Packers.. the worst fan base in all of sports. inbred, worthless scum bags. He’ll at least be appreciated by a semi respectable orginization!

    1. Savage57 March 28, 2014

      Great post – congratulations!

      You managed to spell ‘inbred’ correctly, which is a monumental accomplishment for the Shitfucks fans that come on here to share their poignant insights and keen observations.

      But for the other litany of errors that make your post read like the indignant ramblings of a 7 year old that just shit himself, there’s no excuse other than the fact that the drunk who blew his nut into the syphilitic whore that bore you, failed to boot up.

    2. Arcturus March 28, 2014

      U tipe funnee werds, shit-fer-branes.

  14. Ejs March 27, 2014

    And who gave this fucktard a job to write for this site? Honestly..

    1. K.L. March 27, 2014

      He owns this site. Piss off, you mindless troll.

  15. nurseratchett March 27, 2014

    I want to be a stock traitor when I grow up.

    Love the chili stain highlight!! Thanks for starting my nasty work day with a laugh.

  16. JP March 27, 2014

    Packer fans posted the same comments when a certain QB went to Minn when the Packer org no longer wanted him. It’s always the reaction when a beloved player signs with a team in the same conference. Neither were/are traders.

    1. the real russ letlow March 27, 2014

      “trader” is such an ugly word.

  17. lars March 27, 2014

    Sounds like Packers fans with Favre. Anyway, fans take this player movement stuff much too seriously. How many of them have changed jobs or even cities for more $$$/better opportunity.

  18. cheeze4mepls March 27, 2014

    ive read a few of your posts…and quite frankly, you sir never fail to surprise me. You always outdo your last idiotic post with a new idiotic hippocratic post. You so easily forget the outcry with the whole Favre fiasco and then with the Jennings signing. I agree with lars. fans take it way too seriously but you adding fuel to the fire with your idiotic posts is irresponsible journalism. Guess thats the kind of journalistic insight and aptitude you can achieve from your moms basement though.

  19. tedtomato March 27, 2014

    Worthless as you purple dumfucks? Shouldnt you be playing with your”sister”? Stop the jealousy!! Your purple shitfucks have NEVER AND WILL NEVER WIN ANYTHING!!

  20. CO Bob March 27, 2014

    Hehe….enjoyed that one…and the comments by those that didn’t get it. Trolling at its finest.

  21. Don Q March 27, 2014

    totalpackers is pure satire, just in case some of you angry knuckle draggers didn’t realize that.

    1. the real russ letlow March 27, 2014

      that would be mouth breathing knuckle draggers.

  22. Cuban March 27, 2014

    Went right over the heads of a certain few morons

  23. BearDownPackUp March 27, 2014

    Headline in the Star Tribune : “Jared Allen Trades A Mini Soda For A Bare Helmet, Or Something…Right?!?”

  24. Cuban March 28, 2014

    For those who obviously didnt get it, ill spell it out for you. The correct word these idiots were looking for was traitor, not trader, this post has nothing do with mocking idiots mad at someone switch teams within division. Simply put, its just about mocking idiots (vikings fans)

  25. Noah April 1, 2014

    I’m amazed all of you Packer fans took the time to put down your morning beers and cheese hoagies to pen these retorts. It also baffles me there isn’t more spelling errors due to your sickeningly obese sausage fingers banging on the wrong letters.

    1. Tucson Packer April 2, 2014

      Noah, go back to cleaning the cobwebs out if your team’ empty trophy case. None of the 31 other NFL teams respect you.

  26. Fuckthebears June 29, 2014

    To the cocksucker who wrote this article, I hope you fucking get AIDs and die you rude fuck, I’d like to see you say this stuff to my face you piece of shit I would beat your dumb fucking face in. “Bottom of any barrel” really? Fuck you you fucking faggot, if you actually had a pair of balls (not a pussy like you already have)and put your email on this garbage ass article I would personally destroy you, and what’s with the article? It’s sounds like a child wrote it, are you in middle school? Well whatever grade you’re in keep Minnesota out of your cunt mouth please, we don’t want trash like you discussing our team or sports fans In a rude mannor such as one of your gay little Chicago article like this one. And have fun watching Jared Allen get destroyed by the vikes this year, he’s way too old to do anything lol. When I’m watching the vikes pummel the shit out of the bears this year and Jared Allen looks like he’s gonna pass out on the field I will think back to this article and laugh.

    SKOL VIKES!!!!!!