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Marshall Newhouse is Someone Else’s Problem Now

Marshall Newhouse

You can officially thank whatever god it is you believe in. Marshall Newhouse will not be suiting up for the Green Bay Packers this season or, hopefully, ever again.

Newhouse was signed by the Cincinnati Bengals today.

I don’t know anything about the deal. The deal is not important. What is important is that Newhouse is gone. Good riddance. Newhouse led the Packers in sacks allowed in each of his two full seasons as a starter (2011 and 2012).

He was equally bad during spot duty in 2013.

Some Twitter hero said it best — Newhouse isn’t a bad guy, he’s just a bad football player.

Lombardi couldn’t have put it better himself.

As for the Bengals, well, they like to reward mediocrity. Look no further than head coach Marvin Lewis’ recent contract extension. Usually you have to win at least one playoff game to have a head coaching job as long as Lewis has had his. Not in Cincy.

Now they’ve gone from rewarding mediocrity to awarding atrocity. As in Marshall Newhouse. His play. Atrocious.

But here’s a contract anyway Marshall, courtesy of the Cincinnati Buttholes!

Their next move will surely be signing The Red Rifle, Andy Dalton, to a lifetime deal worth $22 million annually.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Howard March 21, 2014

    Newhouse never was drafted to be a right or left tackle in the NFL. Marshall was always projected to be a guard because of his size and speed (or lack therof). You had to know there were problems when Marshall could not handle the guard position.

    If Marshall cannot make the transition to guard and the Bengals try him at tackle they will not have to pay the red rifle 22 million as he will be out of the NFL with a disability. It is a miracle and good mobility that Rodgers survived Marshall as a left tackle.

    1. Tim March 21, 2014

      What kind of nut wrote this article?????

      1. Charlie Martin March 22, 2014

        Tim Howard

  2. Sean March 21, 2014

    I thought this day would never come….I’m so happy I could cry.

    1. lonzo March 23, 2014

      I I just glad Rogers survived the Newhouse years.

  3. Icebowler March 21, 2014

    MD and now Marshall; addition by subtraction is so sweet.

  4. MJ March 21, 2014

    Does this move provide the Packers a compensatory pick for Draft 2015?

    1. Savage57 March 21, 2014

      No. After Cinti see’s how Newhouse plays, they’ll lobby the league to get a comp pick for signing the guy.

      1. MJ March 21, 2014

        Hahaha! Well played.

  5. Chungo March 21, 2014

    This is not even worth reporting!

  6. Tim March 21, 2014

    I remember a time GB stunk for years. Be careful what you say.

  7. Pete D March 21, 2014

    Tim, get off this fucking blog and go to back church and masturbating to pictures of mother Theresa

    1. Real classy

  8. Pete D March 22, 2014

    Sorry, Tim. That was maybe a bit harsh.

  9. BearDownPackUp March 22, 2014

    The irony in “A.J. Hawk’s Middle Finger” sarcastic “real classy” comment to Pete D is GOLDEN…

  10. rebelgb March 23, 2014

    I tell my Children “never use the word hate, its a terrible word, how can you hate someone you dont know?”. Thats no shit. I mean those who follow me on this site probably figure I hate Negros, Cops, DA’s, and white guys who act like Negros. Truth is I am frustrated and angry at most, but hate none.

    All that being said, Newhouse has come about as close as possible to the “hate” word for me regarding an NFL player white or black. The guy SUCKS!. Fucking Bad. God how ironic he is going to the most MORONIC team in football. And thats saying something as a Packer fan who has the Vikings and Liions in his conference…

  11. lars March 25, 2014

    I’m an atheist, but I am thankful Mr. Newhouse has moved to another small city to suck. Perfect headline, BTW.

    Not sure I agree with Howard (above) on Newhouse being drafted to play guard. GB screws around with each and every OT they draft (with the exception of Josh Sitton) G/T/C—they’re all interchangeable and need to be versatile.Even Sherrod and Bulaga were tried at guard first. Drives me nuts.