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Chicago Bears

Jared Allen: Obviously Not Concerned About Winning

Jared Allen fucks sheep

That stupid hillbilly Jared Allen will never win a Super Bowl and he just doesn’t care. Allen signed with the Chicago Bears today.

Sure, the Bears give Allen a better chance to win than his former team, the Minnesota Vikings, but then Melissa McCarthy has a better chance of winning a marathon than a guy with no legs. These things are relative.

Allen signing with the Bears signals one thing — don’t care! With Jay Cutler at quarterback the Bears now lead the league in — don’t care!

Allen could have signed with the Seattle Seahawks. They wanted him. They have a legitimate chance at repeating as Super Bowl champs. Nope. DON’T CARE!

Instead Allen joins a defense that’s older and more broken down than he is. You know, he could have gone and been a situational player on a great defense. Instead, he’s now the best pass rusher on a giant turd of a defense.

These assholes signed M.D. Jennings for god’s sake. That’s how bad they are.

The other thing that’s confusing about this decision is the choice of location. Chicago is the big city. Allen is a noted sheep fucker. Not many sheep in Chicago.

Somewhere like Jacksonville or Houston would seem more appropriate for that lifestyle.

Anyway, let’s all congratulate the Chicago Bears on assembling a roster perfectly capable of going 8-8!

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. lars March 26, 2014

    How many more games did the Packers WIN than the Bears in 2013?;)

    1. Savage57 March 26, 2014

      The only one that mattered.

      1. the real russ letlow March 26, 2014

        ha ha! right on the money!!!!!!

      2. Kozak March 26, 2014


  2. Mike R March 26, 2014

    Not to mention, they cut Peppers because he was getting old, and obviously making too much money in their eyes. Then they give Allen twice the guaranteed money as Peppers got from the Packers. Allen didn’t do shit against the Packers last year, give a little credit to our rookie LT, but still… Is Jerry Angelo back in the Gm spot over there?

  3. ThePumaMan March 26, 2014

    Minnesota: the land of 10,000 lakes and frustrated sheep.

    1. Savage57 March 26, 2014


      1. ThePumaMan March 26, 2014

        I was thinking unfulfilled or frustrated after Jared left. Nervous is better. :-)

  4. billybong March 26, 2014

    woulda rather had him than Peppers, guess well just have to see how it all works out…

    1. TyKo Steamboat March 26, 2014

      Really? In our scheme? Hello!

    2. TyKo Steamboat March 26, 2014

      Signing Allen instead of Peppers would forfeit our 3rd round compensatory pick we’ll be getting for James Jones. Because Peppers was cut & not a free agent we will still get the compensatory pick for Jones

      I’d rather have the draft pick than a 1-trick-pony that can’t run defend or cover like an OLB.

      1. Abe Frohman March 27, 2014

        if you’re cut, doesn’t that automatically make you a free agent?

  5. Savage57 March 26, 2014

    Julius Peppers is an awesome, freakishly athletic football player.

    Jared Allen is a human penis with a headband.

    Advantage Packers.

  6. stubbyduck March 26, 2014

    This is just too funny! Same ol Bears, same ol Vikings. Stupid is as stupid does!!
    Go Pack!!!!!!!!

  7. Howard March 26, 2014

    It is hard to believe the Bears signed Allen after the cheap shot on one of the bears lineman last year or the year before. The cheap shot after an interception put the guy out for the year or maybe longer. The hit was similar to the one Sapp had on Clifton. We would have never signed Sapp after his cheap shot.

    I bet Allen is a real hit with the O lineman in the bears locker room. Good move by the bears for the other teams in the division.

    The bears really know how to put a team together. I feel bad for Tillman as he appears to be one of the last decent bear remaining. By the way Peppers caused Bakhtiari a lot more problems than Allen did last year. We got the best of the two by a long ways.

  8. icebowl March 26, 2014

    I was actually a bit concerned about this trade until I read this and all your great comments…
    Feel better now….
    Go pack

  9. Cheese March 26, 2014

    Hahaha, Allen to the Bears??

    Now the Vikings have to pick up Jerron McMillan and some Chicago cast off to complete this cluster fuck.

  10. Purple drank March 27, 2014

    Allen is a TRADER!!!!