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Vikings Are Either Ruining Seasons or Making a Playoff Push

Adrian Peterson

Ah, we’re glad to see everyone in the Minnesota Vikings organization is on the same page as usual.

In case you haven’t heard, the Vikings are awful this year. They’re currently 2-8. They have a rotating door at quarterback, but different sacks of shit keep walking through it. Their secondary is one of the worst in the league. So, can’t really move the ball and can’t really stop anyone.

Yeah, that’s how you get to 2-8.

Defensive end Jared Allen, who certainly isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, already sees the writing on the wall. The season is over, so it’s time to play with some pride and ruin someone else’s season… like the Green Bay Packers. And let’s face it, if the Packers lose to the Vikings when they’re this down, it doesn’t get worse than that.

“Obviously at 2-8, you’re trying to ruin everybody else’s season as well as yours, right?” Allen said. “So, they say, misery loves company. I hope this year no one makes the playoffs. So, it’s a division rival, going to win in Green Bay. I think it’s one of those places where it don’t matter what our record tends to be, but if we went up there and beat them in Green Bay, we got a little bit of bragging rights, especially after the whooping they gave us here. I try to tell our guys, ‘Heck, every week is like our Super Bowl.’ You go up to Green Bay, you might as well treat it as such, as a playoff game, and spoil their dreams along with whatever they’re trying to get accomplished.”

I told you he wasn’t that sharp. He wants to ruin everyone else’s season, but still wants to ruin his own? I don’t see how that’s possible. And he hopes no one goes to the playoffs? I mean, someone has to go to the playoffs. Unless I didn’t get the memo. Did they cancel the playoffs this year?

And just when you think a member of the Vikings can’t be any dumber than that stupid hillbilly, along comes Adrian Peterson.


The Vikings have shown so much promise this season! They’re this close to turning it around! They can totally reel off six wins in a row!

Notice Peterson told that to noted Vikings homer Tom Pelissero. Upon hearing the proclamation, Pelissero started convulsing uncontrollably. Worried, Peterson ran to get a doctor, but just then Pelissero let out a huge groan and stopped convulsing.

“Don’t worry AP, I just came in my shorts. High five!”

And in honor of Tom’s joyous, but messy afternoon, it seems appropriate to channel some Jim Mora.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. PackerLover November 21, 2013

    Me play football. Me run fast. Me score runs.

  2. Matt November 21, 2013

    No doubt Viking fans can relish in the fact that the Packers are JUST AS BAD. After Minnesota wins in Green Bay, it’s 1-1 (just like last year) and with NO playoffs for EITHER team it’ll remain a toss-up between two SUCK-ASS teams. Put Minnesota down as much as you like, but even the shitty records will be nearly the SAME by the end of the year. Book it! Like MN, GB has ONE great player and a sack full of shit.

    1. kluck a luck November 21, 2013

      Is that really something you want to brag about? That your team minus Peterson is a “sack full of shit”?

    2. Mike November 21, 2013

      This dude be freebasing Hormel chili and shit. Fuck the cup, just put it in my hands!

  3. Hoops24 November 21, 2013

    Think the pack has alot more talented players then the vikes. They just all are injured

  4. kluck a luck November 21, 2013

    So, our D is porous and they have All Day… Is it possible our only advantage is Scott Tolzien?? Oh boy…We are a 1-15 team without Rodgers and at this point, if he isn’t back for Thanksgiving, put him on IR and let’s just hit the reset button for next year. with 5 wins, that is a draft pick tight wad Teddy can trade for like 7 or 8 6th rounders.

    1. Savage57 November 21, 2013

      Brings to mind the term ‘cannon fodder’.

  5. the real russ letlow November 21, 2013

    I love that video clip!! I think the queens are making a ruining push, for real.

  6. Chester Marcol's Glasses November 21, 2013

    Apparently inside the Viking organization, they us a different form of math than the rest of society. I’m sure Adrian’s many illegitimate children he doesn’t know about still love him when their mom say “That’s your daddy!”

  7. Savage57 November 21, 2013

    Fuck retard Jarhead Allen and his stupid fucking sack celebration. You know what that really signifies? He’s trying to get rid of the nasty smegma funk left over from the crusty-thong Minneshithole skank whose salad he tossed last night.

    And fuck Tom Peccernarrow. The only thing that gets him off more than those ‘deuces’ he’s fucking lately is cock-gobbling AP while he nuts in his mouth.

  8. PF4L November 21, 2013

    AP thinks they still have a chance at the playoffs? Interesting, and here’s another golden nugget from AP. Vikings running back Adrian Peterson compared NFL owners’ treatment of players to “modern-day slavery,” The same slavery that was paying AP 11.72 million for the 2011 NFL season. Who’s your Daddy??

  9. Nacho Libre November 21, 2013

    I agree with Kluck.

  10. Don Q November 21, 2013

    I’m going to this Shit-show. Copious amounts of booze will be required before, during, and after kickoff.

  11. guysocke November 21, 2013

    *Skims whole week’s comments*

    *Sees none from Chris Restivo*

    *Closes page*

  12. tedtomato November 22, 2013

    Go figure another minnyshitholean trying to bring the pack down to their level..Yes..your team is that bad!!! Our team has problems..yes..terrible coaching at times and god awful defense at others. Our receivers are wayyy better than yours..and our team as a whole is better than yours!!! Wouldnt even be a contest if Rodgers and the rest of our horses were healthy. The only way they lose..is by playing down to the shitfucks level! I hope Tolzien throws 8 tds..and we get a couple defense/st tds and hang 70 on em! Theres a reason they wear purple..perennial chokers!

  13. tedtomato November 22, 2013

    Yeah gayred allen and that homeless cheerleader guy..what a homely couple. I wonder if they have contests to see who can be the biggest douche. If we see that goat roping shit..i hope someone kicks that douche bag in the jewels..i dont care if they get fined or suspended..that dumb fuck is always running his mouth..typical purple pansy shit!