There were a lot of things you probably missed in the broadcast of the Green Bay Packers 27-13 loss to the New York Giants, mostly because you likely had your head in your hands for most of the time.
Here’s a look back at what we saw.
1. Old School
The Giants won the toss, bucked the popular trend, and chose to receive. This is almost certainly because Tom Coughlin is an old man prone to antiquated ways of thinking… either that or he wanted the ball first.
The G-men didn’t score on the opening possession, but they did have some success moving the chains and took 4:27 off the clock. After the Packers early inability to run the ball and/or shitty play calling put Scott Tolzien and the Packers offense in rough third and long situations, the Giants would go on to own the time of possession battle in the first quarter (NY – 11:34, GB – 3:26) the first half (NY – 19:59, GB – 10:01) and the entire game (NY – 35:14, GB – 24:46).
2. Starting Out With a Thud
The Giants converted their first third down of the game without having to snap the football. That’s because the Packers had 12 men on the field and the play was blown dead before the snap. That’s how bad it was. No one was running off the field as the quarterback rushed to get under center and no one was pointing to get off the field or anything like that. There were just 12 oblivous souls out there unaware that… sing it with me, “One of these things don’t fucking belong.”
3. I See Your Thud and Raise You a Thud!
Oh right. It wasn’t only the unimaginative play calling and the inability of the running game to get on track that helped derail Green Bay’s chances in the very early going of their game with the Giants from New York. It was the coaching staff’s inability to count to 12. There was a second penalty, this time on the offense for having an extra man in the huddle.
The camera cut to Mike McCarthy and even though he wasn’t in full-on tirade mode, he did fire off a big ole F-bomb for the world to lip-read. This buffoonery (tip of the cap to Monty) turned a 3rd and 7 into a 3rd and 12 and, not surprisingly, led to a Tim Masthay punt.
4. Hollywood Heartthrob Scott Tolzien?
Who does this guy remind me of? There’s a little Brett Favre resemblance, but every time they show Tolzien, I can’t help but think he reminds me of someone… an actor or singer maybe. Help me out people. Who does Scott Tolzien look like?
5. It’s Called a Chinstrap. You Should Look Into It.
The rather substantial wager I placed at a really unreliable offshore sportsbook was golden. I took the over 1.5 on “How many times will A.J. Hawk’s helmet fall off during the middle of a play.” By the midway point of the first quarter I knew I’d be collecting/attempting to collect. That’s because Hawk’s helmet falling off is about as regular an occurrence as a fish fry is on a Friday night in Wisconsin.
I didn’t collect on the 10,000-1 odds bet of “Will a player die in today’s game because his helmet falls off and he suffers a fatal blow to the head,” but I figure it’s just a matter of time.
6. If Someone Told Me I’d End Up Hating Stevie Wonder…
Join me in boycotting both Stevie Wonder and the Anheuser Busch Company for creating one of the dumbest campaigns of all time. Seriously, if the goal was to simultaneously turn us off from an entire brand of products and to also ruin what was once a celebrated and awesome Stevie jam, then I say, “Job well done!”
Do any of us know assholes like this who really exist? Who stomps their feet in unison, pats their friend’s head, partakes in some ridiculous dance or any of the other things represented in this campaign? The answer is no one.
Fuck you Budweiser and fuck you too Stevie Wonder for selling out. Together you’ve made me despise you both to the point that it is highly unlikely it can be undone.
Superstitious? Try super-annoying to the point of brand abandonment. I used to listen to “I Just Called to Say I Love You” whilst drinking a Budweiser. Well, no more. No more.
7. Apology: His name is Tramon Williams
In last week’s column I referred to Tramon Williams as Clutchy McGrabass and he responded with his finest game in years. Coincidence? I think not.
Actually, according to ProFootballFocus, which I do take stock in, he’s now put together four solid positive-grade performances in a row.
This is just further evidence that a lot of these bloggers out there really don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.
8. Missing in Action
In no other system outside of Green Bay is production rewarded with additional time on the bench, although that is certainly the case with Jamari Lattimore and Johnathan Franklin. Lattimore stepped in admirably for Brad Jones when he was hurt, making numerous big plays for the defense. Franklin, also when called upon because of injury, almost single-handedly helped the Packers beat the Bengals earlier in the season. Where has it gotten them? A seat on the bench. Franklin got a whopping one snap on offense and Lattimore got none on defense versus the Giants.
Clearly both of these guys are trying to bang or are successfully banging someone in upper management’s wife. I don’t have any proof mind you, but it seems pretty obvious, no?
9. Not Enough to Complain About
There’s one complaint I have about Joe Buck and Troy Aikman not doing the broadcast this week. I have nothing to complain about!
Thankfully the Saints-49ers tilt sent Fox’s “number 1” team to New Orleans and kept them off my television set. Instead Kenny Albert, ‘Moose’ Johnston and Tony Siragusa provided a nice backdrop to the Packers-Giants action. Did they say anything terribly memorable? Not really, but like a good movie score, when done correctly it should almost go unnoticed. Although I want to dislike Tony Siragusa as oafish, I continually find he does a fantastic job of adding the right dose of sideline flavor and fun to every broadcast he does, without crossing into being goofy or overbearing.
10. Just What the Doctor Ordered
The ‘Queens are coming to Lambeau next week. I believe in Tolzien!
If they cant get a win against our ugly purple headed stepsisters from the northwest..then they wont be and dont deserve to make the playoffs! That is a very bad team..with one good player on offense…defense better show up or i’ll personally drop capers off in the unemployment line!
Thanks for “defending” Tramon. (No pun intended)
Dude is a B+ cover-corner.
Well said about Kenny, Moose & Goose too. Great team of broadcasters.
CBS is a pile of shit. Dan Dierdorff?? Are you effen kidding me?!? Phil Simms?!?! Shannon Sharpe?!?
So happy FOX carries the NFC. We only play on CBS twice this season & that feels like too much.
Well, well, well……Congrats to Tramon Williams.
Tramon got his 1st interception in 24 games. DUDES quite a baller. B+ cover corner. “Shut down” if you will. “Optimus Prime”. NFL receivers are now shaking in their boots.
In other news: Richard Sherman, D. Revis, C. Tillman, P. Peterson. Brandon Flowers, B Browner, A Talib, Joe Haden, Alterraun Verner, and Tim Jennings have all signed up for Tramon Williams school of “How to be a shut down corner”. this coming off-season. Following that, cake and coffee will be served, along with a seminar by Tramon Williams himself titled “How to fleece a NFL team out of 40 million dollars.”
Next year, Tramon Williams will also hold his annual seminar of ” How i play 8 yards off my receiver, and keep getting paid for it.” SIGN UP EARLY!!
Tolzien looks like Carson Palmer to me.
#11 Marshall F’in Newhouse… seriously need try out Sherrod. Newhouse has regressed. God help any Quarterback that has to be protected by Newhouse.
Tolzien looks just like actor Jai Stills!!!! Look him up!
Thanks to Fox I missed half of the first quarter because they were still playing the lions-steelers game. First thing I seen when the game came on was Masthay punting the ball with 8 minutes on the clock. This 12 men on the field penalty is news to me.
Hawk needs to do something about that helmet. With how anal the NFL is about safety, “allegedly,” or just money hungry you would think they’ll make up some stupid rule and start to fine him.
Tolzien: looks like Matt Ryan.
AJ Hawk: still has the helmet adjusted for that long greasy hair.
Starks: “I run backwards to GAIN yards!”
Moose: Just STFU. I like football and follow football; you don’t have to explain every single play (laboriously…)
McDonalds: stop the absurdly ethnic lovin-it shit (your commercials annoy more than ButtLight)
McCarthy: you keep on calling those 1st and 2nd down runs, buddy.
Capers: you just keep on evolving… okay?
Jennings-esque Raji: “It’s a great day to be fat, baby!”
(HISTORICAL NOTE: Remember that team from 1996, that was No1 in points-scored and No1 in points-allowed?”)
Really you folks up there drink Budweiser Beer..isn’t there a good dark stout to help with those wonderfully cold winter games? I mean really…Budweiser…y’all got to have something better. As far as the play calling aspect of the game…did Capers fire the rest of the staff or something…is no one seeing what we see every freakin’ game? Or are they just not wanting to say anything. oh and how about an apology from TT for his fouled up and bad spent money on Wallace.
I guess you will have to go talk to Capers and TT about that huh? lmao. What are you talking about? There is plenty of good beer up in the Northland. Anything you want we have it. :)
What do canoes and commercial american beers have in common?
They’re too close to water.
Microbrew is the way to go.
I would say commercial American beers have a closer consistency to another word that starts with a “p” and ends with a “iss”…Micro brews are the way to go…The number 1 thing on my bucket list is to get to Lambeau in the winter for a game…maybe then I can try out some of those good beers.
Good to see your unrequited hatred of Tramon is still in tact, PF4L. … ……..
He kinda looks more like John Elway then Brett Favre to me lol
Pretty funny re: Hawk and the loose helmet. That’s the only way the pilejumper can get face time on camera. Does he really think it makes him look like he’s tough and playing hard. Buckle your damn strap Hawk and hit somebody for a change.