Talkin’ Trash With Minnesota Vikings Fans

It’s that time of year again. The Green Bay Packers are getting ready to crush the Minnesota Vikings and we’re talkin’ trash with Minnesota Vikings fans, namely the clown who runs Purple Jesus Diaries.

That’s the No. 1 site for Vikings fans to whine and complain about their shitty team, if you weren’t aware.

As usual, things got ugly. Quickly. That is, after I taught him how to read. What a painstaking process that was. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll have some choice words about all of this. Feel free to let them fly.

Here we go.

Christian Ponder, Matt Cassell and Josh Freeman. What a human dungheap that is. Let’s say Josh Freeman was healthy, which he apparently isn’t, and you had your choice of all three of these turds to start the game, who would you want in there? I’d probably go with a wild card and say Samantha Ponder because at least she’s okay to look at.

That would be a good choice, and as attractive as her face and butt is to look at, the reality is that she wants nothing to do with people who are critical of her husband. Granted, Vikings fans have gone to a real dark place the last year or so, and constant threats and barbs towards her every week about Ponder on Twitter is pretty stupid (because who would get so worked up about a team of asshats anyway?), but I would guess that entire experience has left a salty, warm taste in her mouth where she would decline playing QB. Instead, I’d throw Freeman back out there. He looks like he can guarantee us a loss, get our coaching staff fired eventually, BUT, if he is somehow the answer to the question no one ever asked, then you have to play this million dollar, 10-week investment to see what he has. Which is just the dumbest situation you could ever ask to be in as a football fan.

When I look at the list of NFL rushing leaders, I see Adrian Peterson is only seventh. While that’s swell, I thought this clown made some asinine prediction about getting to 2,500 yards this season. Last year, he couldn’t be stopped. So what happened to him and your big, bad offensive line?

He did, but what else was he going to say? “No, I know my quarterbacks suck and there’s no way I top 1,000 yards this year. Temper your expectations Vikings fans.” I mean, if he did that at least he’d be honest, but it’s probably bad PR. The reality is that as the team sucks more and more, he tries to do more and more, but he’s left trying to stretch every play behind an offensive line that couldn’t even start for the Bears. They can’t pass protect, run protect, or jerk each other off properly, and so it’s nose dived the entire offense. It’s been a huge, and surprising issue in Minnesota, noticed since the preseason. This was the same group of guys as last year that helped Peterson top 2,000 yards, and beat the shit out of you jokers in the last game of the year. Why they all of a sudden decided to faint after every snap is beyond any of us, but it’s ruined the team. Center John Sullivan, right tackle and newly re-signed to a long-term contract Phil Loadholt, and left tackle Matt Kalil are the main culprits, because these guys are normally really good. The two guards, left guard Charlie Johnson and right guard Brandon Fusco shouldn’t be starting anyway, so they at least have built in excuses.

That defense is looking pretty awful — 27th in the league, 29th against the pass. Didn’t you just draft a bunch of guys in the secondary? What the fuck?

We’re that good? I thought we were 30th! WOOHOO! Technically, we haven’t put as much of a focus in our secondary as we should have in the draft in the last few years. We did find Harrison Smith, who is a badass, but also a badass who is now injured for the year. But he was the first player we took to SERIOUSLY address the safety position in a decade, probably. The cornerbacks were going to be a mess ever since we decided to cut Antoine Winfield so we could sign Greg Jennings, or whatever stupid thing happened. Also, when you start a wife beater at cornerback like Chris Cook, not only are you probably going to be an awful secondary, but you also will start looking like the Packers, and that’s never a good thing. Rookie Xavier Rhodes looks to have potential and will help long term, but he’s still a rookie on a shitty team. We’re at least two or three players away from having a secondary that isn’t a time bomb every play. If I were you and you were coaching the Packers, and liked to kiss Aaron Rodgers on the lips a lot, I would whisper in his ear to target whoever cornerback Josh Robinson is covering all day long and ride that strategy to a blow out.

You have to explain to me how you lost to the Giants. I’ve seen the Giants play. They’re terrible.

Bad secondary play where we drop three interception opportunities, shitty offensive line that allows mediocre talent like Jason Pierre-Paul to get pressure, and Josh Freeman at quarterback after he’s looked at the playbook four times. And our coaches are stupid. Dumber than the collective IQ at a Wisconsin State Fair. It’s not that difficult. When you get a crappy team to play against a quarterback that has won a Super Bowl and doesn’t suck all the time, he’s likely to find that needle in a haystack. Frankly, even though Eli Manning is probably on pace to throw more interceptions this year than Favre threw in his career, I’d still take him on my team in a heartbeat. That’s how bad the Vikings quarterback situation is, has been, and will be for the foreseeable future.

Now that Greg Jennings has turned on the Green Bay Packers and started making outlandish statements because he’s butt hurt about not getting re-signed, is he your new favorite player? I also see he’s really tearing it up this year. Totally worth $45 million.

I don’t get why Jennings ever said any of those things anyway. Stupid. I mean, we all hate the Packers, that’s fine, but talking about being brainwashed, and that Aaron Rodgers isn’t that good? Come on. Just admit that they wouldn’t pay you $45 million and so you left, then be done with it. Pretty easy. The worst part though, is even at that dollar amount, he was still a good decision for the Vikings. We needed a receiver, and he’ll be fine if anyone ever gets on the team that can pass. At the very least, we spent $45 million to know that none of the quarterbacks currently with the team are any good, and honestly, I’d rather they spend that money and find out, then eek through another five seasons with Ponder. And no, Jennings isn’t my favorite. He’s a fine dude, seems like a nice person, guest cameos on The League, and is probably pretty talented, but it’s obviously Adrian Peterson or bust. And “bust” he does, amirite?!

Now that Aaron Rodgers is down to about two guys who can catch a ball, are you more worried about the Packers passing game or Eddie Lacy and the ground game?

I wouldn’t say I’m worried about Eddie Lacy, as much as I am just worried about a team that has an offense. Aaron Rodgers could roll out one receiver into quadruple coverage against our team and still hit that receiver. I guess you guys will “mix it up” with the run to keep us off balance, which is fine, and also equally defeating because our entire defense sucks, top to bottom. I SUPPOSE the defensive line is the area that at least has the most talent, so I’m less worried about that than I am about the defensive backfield, but being “less worried” in this case is like being less concerned that you have a case of the herpe and instead find out it’s the clap. I mean, life sucks either way.

Tell me if there’s some warped way where you can see the Vikings winning this game… or even any game at this point. Prediction?

In some warped, second dimension, sure. A perfect storm hits. Christian Ponder comes back and re-enacts his game 16 from 2012 and it’s a classic shootout on Sunday Night Football that we steal with a field goal. The Packers are too banged up to play to their normal standard, and the lesser team wins. It could be like a bye week game in fantasy football. But I doubt it. If the Packers don’t win by AT LEAST 14, I would consider that a moral loss for your team. But, I also wouldn’t worry about it. This is about as much of a lock as you eating cheese curds and venison for lunch.

Packers 34, Vikings 17

Well, that was refreshing. Like when you blow your load in a broad’s mouth and expect her to swallow it, but she spits it all over you instead. Refreshing like that.

As usual, we answered some questions for them. And also as usual, because we did so intelligently, they were left making cheese jokes because… well, Vikings fans. You can read that discourse here. Feel free to go over and talk some shit of your own.