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Matthew Stafford and Kelly Hall Partied on a Boat Last Week

Matthew Stafford partying

Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford signed a three-year contract extension this week. The deal gave him $33.5 million guaranteed and raised his average salary to more than $15 million per season.

But that doesn’t mean Matthew Stafford is all grown up.

Over the 4th, Stafford threw a huge boat party and he had girlfriend Kelly Hall (and her giant fake tits) and all his bros in tow.

There’s Doughboy up above getting all patriotic amidst the sea of red and blue Solo cups, empty Bud Light cans and (probably) vomit. Sweet sleeveless Georgia shirt, brah! You been workin’ out, haven’t ya?

Oh, and then here’s Doughboy signing that new contract earlier this week.

Matthew Stafford signs his contract

What’s up brah? You got sleeves on your shirt! And where’s your backwards ballcap, brah!? And who’s that dude sitting next to you? He is so not cool, brah. I bet he couldn’t even do a keg stand for five seconds, brah.

Speaking of keg stands. We know Kelly Hall can do them. We’ve seen the evidence. She showed some of that form by sucking straight out of the tap on the 4th.

Kelly Hall partying

Now that’s a classy broad. Who wants to bet people were chanting USA! USA! USA! while this was going down?

Of course, this is not all Kelly Hall is known for. She’s also known for two other things.

1. Tits.

Kelly Hall

2. Ass.

Kelly Hall

(Via TBL)

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Greg July 11, 2013

    I don’t see the problem here other then I am jealous…

    1. Andy July 11, 2013

      I agree seems like a party – only sin other than dressing like the stero type is the un-patriotic beer… go with some sam adams or liberty ale. 15 mil and he still drinks piss like a 16 year old

      1. Phatgzus July 11, 2013

        Seriously, you think he could at least spring for some Cristal or something classic like PBR, you can’t ever go wrong with a keg of PBR IMO.

  2. CO Bob July 11, 2013

    Good article. Needs more tits.

  3. David July 11, 2013

    I thought she was drinking somebody’s pee. Now that would have been a party boat.

    1. Tucson Packer July 11, 2013

      That boat would also have been chartered by the Vikings

  4. E. Wolf July 11, 2013

    Paint a vulgar picture.
    Somehow I suspect she has a lot of expereince getting in that crouching position while sucking down something.
    I know I may be in the minority on this, but fake tits are not my thing. They look unnatural, trashy and diminish sensiitivity of the nips, which sorta defeats the purpose. I saw pics of her before. She was a pretty girl and still is, but looks more like a trashy porn star.

    1. Phatgzus July 11, 2013

      The fake ones are not my thing either, especially the silicone variety, there are, however, some saline ones that look quite nice and move and feel almost like the genuine article.

      1. E. Wolf July 11, 2013

        I am more about the face, legs, and more particularly that yummy hot wet center between her legs. But again, other than Charzlie Theron, my taste in women is in the minority view. My fantasy women include (many of them small breasted):

        Amy Adams
        Gillian Anderson (back in the day)
        Flo the Progressive Girl–those eyes, that mouth and that snow skinned complexion rev my engine
        This German goth singer named Constance Rudert. Google her.

        Oneother thing–this American aesthetic of fake tans on light skinned women takes a toll. These dames look like leather bags in their mid 30s and 40s.

        1. Phatgzus July 12, 2013

          Ms. Rudert is indeed quite gorgeous, porcelain-skinned redhead, classic, almost in the mold of Audrey Hepburn.

          There is nothing I hate more about a woman’s physical appearance than a fake tan, they just look so processed, like some sort of Brachs candy.

          As for the contemporary paradigm for the “popular women”, i.e. fake spray tans, overdone makeup, and dyed hair, I’ll admit I’m attracted to it, but to me it is like fast food, I enjoy it superficially, if I don’t pay attention to it, it strikes the proper tastes buds, it’s pleasantly salty or sweet or sour; however, if I actually pay attention to it, it’s not all that pleasant, additionally it leaves me feeling empty and gross. In the end, if I truly want to savor something, I’ll go to a nice restaurant and have something gourmet, a steak, or foi gras, or duck a l’Orange, something of that nature. Similarly if I’m drunk or just in the need for a lady friend I’ll sample that plastic look because it can be fun and momentarily enjoyable, but if I want a relationship I’m seeking out that girl with the next-door look, who may not look as superficially pleasing or fit a standard of contemporary beauty, but who is just as beautiful without makeup as she is with.

          1. E. Wolf July 12, 2013

            Glad you dig Constance. I once commented on a youtube fan video featuring footage of her, writing ‘Constance Rudert is a sex goddess. I’d glad stab someone in the heart to be with her.’ About a year later she wrote back ‘WOud you’ Exchanged some nice correspondence but in a way it really just sort of tormented me because nothing can happen from it.

            I agree absoutely these sororority and porn star types are morethan adequate for a certain purpose. But as far as falling in love or caring for anybody. …
            I am my own person– for example I like goth industrial music,but I lift weights (or did have fallen out of it) and like the Packers. I like a light dusting of the goth look. Less is more. That’s why I am infatuated with flo. Just the right touch of mascara and makeup on that snow skinned complexion.

            I don’t eat fast food though. I pumped my fist when Morgan Spurlock alluded to the Death of Ronald MacDonald in Super Size Me when I saw it in the theatre. I’d love to see the whole word just turn on MacDonalds and Burger King and burn them all to the ground in an orgy of violence and destruction.
            Finally, Amy Adams is out of everyone league. She may be the most beautiul woman int he world.

  5. FITZCORE1252 July 12, 2013

    “that yummy hot wet center between her legs.”

    You’re a fucking riot. Just Wolf being Wolf.

    “Flo the Progressive Girl–those eyes, that mouth and that snow skinned complexion rev my engine”

    Lmao, do you spank to god damn progressive commercials? Fess up…

    1. E. Wolf July 12, 2013

      No–but I have had some lewd thoughts about Stephanie Courtney. I fucking dig her. If nude piictures of her surfaced, particularly when she was younger, I probably would.

    2. Iltarion July 12, 2013

      I know others that are huge into Flo.

      1. E. Wolf July 12, 2013

        I would wrap those lovely legs around my neck and shoulders, wearing those creamy alabaster thighs around my face tight as a gas mask as i dine feverishly on that yummy pink box. FLO is hot.

        1. Phatgzus July 12, 2013

          Dear Penthouse…

  6. Iltarion July 12, 2013

    I see a plethora of fine gals, and one seriously out of shape franchise QB.

    1. Phatgzus July 12, 2013

      Right, it’s no wonder Detroit can’t close out games, the Chubster is probably using an Iron Lung by the 4th quarter.

    2. Phatgzus July 12, 2013

      Seriously, he’s sweating just signing his contract.

  7. FITZCORE1252 July 13, 2013

    I’d prolly throw it in Flo’s ass, truth being told… She’s got Donkey punch written all over her.

    Dude, I could bang Amy Adams tomorrow if I wanted.

    1. E. Wolf July 13, 2013

      Dude, I could bang Amy Adams tomorrow if I wanted.

      In your dreams.
      I more or less like you, so I will overlook your contemtiple comment re Flo.

  8. FITZCORE1252 July 13, 2013

    Looking at the “tits” pic, them two bitches (green top and backwards hat sloot) are god damn ugly, paper bag treatment fer shiz.

    1. Phatgzus July 13, 2013

      The twins? They’re not that bad, good bodies, odd faces, but I bet they’re fun from behind; plus they’re twins, automatic half point right there.

  9. Iltarion July 13, 2013

    Nothing annoys me more than guys criticizing ladies when truth be told they’d probably stick it in a toaster if it had a heartbeat.

    The blondes are just smiling too hard, which is a common side-effect of alcohol consumption/pot smoking/both.

    They would probably be cute as hell if they were pouting. Some women are like that.

  10. FITZCORE1252 July 14, 2013

    El. Oh. El.

  11. Chuck July 15, 2013

    Looks like Ryan Leaf part 2 to me. Good job lions. Before his 30th birthday he’ll have made 94 million dollars, his career record vs teams .500 or better ? 1-23. Looks like some of the 94 million went for his woman’s new rack,.

    1. Iltarion July 15, 2013

      At least THAT was money well spent. Can’t say the same for the rest of the money.

      I must admit I return to this story about once a day to ogle that glorious rack.

      1. E. Wolf July 17, 2013

        Glorious rack? Try fake as shit. Sophia Loren had a glorious rack–real.
        Ugly Americans…..

  12. Phatgzus July 15, 2013

    I like em too Ilt, but they do look a bit like 2 alien pods that landed on her chest and are about ready to burst.