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Brian Urlacher and His Barbed Wire Tattoo Have Retired, Bro

Brian Urlacher

It’s a sad day for bros everywhere. The broiest middle linebacker in NFL history, Brian Urlacher and his barbed wire arm tattoo, have retired.

The Chicago Bears did not want Brolacher back this season. They offered him a one-year contract worth $2 million and Brolacher considered that an insult. He decided to test free agency and much like Charles Woodson, didn’t find many takers.

That’s not to say Brolacher wouldn’t have found a team eventually, but he was apparently tired of waiting around. Much like Jermichael Finley pointed out last season, Urlacher had become old and slow. That appears to be something Urlacher realized in the past few weeks.

“After spending a lot of time this spring thinking about my NFL future, I have made a decision to retire,” Urlacher wrote. “Although I could continue playing, I’m not sure I would bring a level of performance or passion that’s up to my standards. When considering this, along with the fact that I could retire after a 13-year career wearing only one jersey for such a storied franchise, my decision became pretty clear. I want to thank all of the people in my life that have helped me along the way. I will miss my teammates, my coaches and the great Bears fans. I’m proud to say that I gave all of you everything I had every time I took the field. I will miss this great game, but I leave it with no regrets.”

What we regret is that there will be no NFL player with a barbed wire arm tattoo this season. Where are we supposed to find inspiration to rock and roll while watching football?

We’ll just have to blast Mötley Crüe whilst enjoying the games on Sunday, I suppose. Because at least Vince Neil is still relevant.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. GB#1 May 22, 2013

    That is the douchiest picture of Urlacher I have ever seen.

    Nice work.

  2. Vijay May 22, 2013

    He said “no regrets” for leaving? Um, so being a Super Bowl Champion doesn’t mean too much, eh?

  3. TyKoSteamboat May 22, 2013

    We beat Urlacker for years & years.
    Green & Gold owns him.
    He got ran-down by a white quarterback with a clear-path to the endzone in an NFC Championship game (seriously)…& we put him on the shelf in a week 1 game in ’09…

    I, personally, hate to see him go…

    1. TyKoSteamboat May 22, 2013

      *check that…2010


    2. Phatgzus May 22, 2013

      Not so much running down as tripping him with his fingernail, good point nonetheless. Let’s also not forget the Shasta Sniper juking him outta his jock strap a couple years ago as well-that play was hilarious.

  4. Iltarion May 22, 2013

    Youz people are crazy.

    It seemed like Urlacher was getting a big INT or a fumble recovery in nearly every game we played them. The dude makes the HOF on the back of his games against the Packers alone. I don’t think any defensive player in history ever made as many plays against the Packers as this guy did.

    I am DAMN glad to see him go.

    Sure, the Bears may get someone younger and faster to replace him, but at least it won’t be that tall white galoot wearing #54.

    Before we get on Urlacher about his record against the Packers, maybe we should compare his QBs at the time against our QBs. Yeah, the fact of the matter is, those games shouldn’t have been that close!

  5. Iltarion May 22, 2013

    Oh, and great fricking video find. Props.

    “Now I’m killing you
    Watch your face, turning blue
    Not yet a man just a punk in the street!”

  6. FITZCORE1252 May 22, 2013

    GOOD RIDDANCE! He may have been on the losing end of most PACK/bare games, BUT, it was absolutely not because of his play! Dude was good, period.

  7. Tucson Packer May 22, 2013

    Yea, I wouldn’t be glad or care if he was leaving if he wasn’t such a good player, especially against our Pack

  8. geopack May 23, 2013

    Let’s not forget his ridiculous commercials where he was crying as a kid. Even Aaron’s worst pizza commercials weren’t that bad.

    It was fun to see Urlacher break his arm trying to knock Rodgers out in that ’10 game.

    But like all great players from this greatest of all rivalries, I’ll miss him on the field.