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Brian Urlacher and the Chicago Bears Got Divorced

Brian Urlacher

It’s not really Brett Favre leaving the Green Bay Packers, but it’s kind of a lesser version of that. The Chicago Bears and the face of their crappy franchise, linebacker Brian Urlacher, got divorced yesterday.

Urlacher is a free agent and, not surprisingly, not a very attractive one. Jermichael Finley called it right when he said Urlacher was old and slow, last season. Still, he wants to play in 2013 and apparently, it was the Bears duty to bring him back because of the whole face of the franchise thing.

The two sides went through the motions of a contract negotiation and ended up pretty far apart. We’re guessing Urlacher wanted to be paid like he’s still a top-flight linebacker. The Bears reportedly only offered him a one-year, $2 million deal, which may as well have included a new suitcase, plane ticket and thank you card.

Urlacher said he felt insulted. The Bears announced they were moving on.

“We were unable to reach an agreement with Brian and both sides have decided to move forward,” Bears General Manager Phil Emery said in a statement. “Brian has been an elite player in our league for over a decade. He showed great leadership and helped develop a winning culture over his time with the Bears. We appreciate all he has given our team, on and off the field. Brian will always be welcome as a member of the Bears.”

Blah, blah, blah.

The real question now is, are we going to see an old, slow Brian Urlacher playing in some uniform that looks really weird on him? Urlacher in another uni would probably be akin to seeing Johnny U in the Chargers’ powder blue.

Seems like something the Minnesota Vikings would do — sign Urlacher. You know, just because that’s the kind of shit the Vikings do.

In reality, there’s probably little to no market for Urlacher. Donald Driver — a guy who knows a thing or two about being in this position — said he thinks Urlacher will retire, which seems to be the logical option.

Something tells us Urlacher will get a deal somewhere and play another year just to give the Bears a nice fuck you for insulting him, though.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Big Raj! March 21, 2013

    Let the Pack sign him. An old and slow Urlacher is better than AJ Hawk. He can back up Smith and Bishop. That’ll be a nice Fuck You to those shit stain bears fans

    1. Savage57 March 21, 2013

      Naah, that would be doing the same dick stuff that the horned faggots pull.

      Viking hate>Bear hate.

      1. Charlie Martin March 21, 2013

        That’s the goddamn problem with packer nation these days. Vikings hate should never exceed Bears hate. That’s unconscionable.

        1. Kozak March 22, 2013

          Absolutely. Bear hate is the Ur hate of Packer Nation,
          It goes back into the mists of time.

    2. Chris March 25, 2013

      typical packer fan wrote up this article once again they continue to show me that packer fans have zero class they talk and comment like the little boys and girls in freshmen year high school and completely sound like immature useless children lol

  2. Tim March 21, 2013

    Fucking A!!

  3. Packer Bob March 21, 2013

    In other news, the Packers made their first FA move by resigning ILB Brad Jones.

    Oh, and fuck da Bears.

  4. Nacho Libre March 21, 2013
  5. Don Q March 21, 2013

    Vikings hate is more of an annoyance hate.
    Bears hate is more deep rooted. They actually have history, just nothing to show for it.

  6. FITZCORE1252 March 21, 2013

    Charlie, 100% agreed.

    BTW, who is this Breanna Earlicker gal?

    GBP 4 LIFE

  7. Tucson Packer March 22, 2013

    Urlacher, to the Bills?
    You all have to admit, we all hated him so much cause he was a good player. Though the quote “helped develop a winning culture over his time with the Bears”?
    Yea, except winning against that one team from WI.
    The Bears still suck, the Bears still suck, the Bears still suck, the Bears still suck oh yes they really really really really really really suck yes the Bears, still, suck.

  8. Iltarion March 22, 2013

    I think we all know what position the Bears will be using their #1 pick on.

    This is probably minor for the rest of the league, for whom Brian Urlacher was slow and old, but for the Packers this is great news.

    I don’t think another player has EVER made so many plays against the Packers. He should make the HOF for his career against the Packers alone.