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Chicago Bears Jokes? We’ve Got ‘Em!

The Green Bay Packers play the Chicago Bears this weekend with a chance to win the NFC North. You should be prepared, so here are a litany of Chicago Bears jokes.

If you’ve got your own, leave them in the comments.

Want to hear a Bears joke?
Jay Cutler

What is the difference between a Bears fan and a baby?
A baby will stop whining after awhile.

What’s the difference between Soldier Field and a porcupine?
The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

How many Chicago Bears does it take to change a tire?
One, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up

How do you stop an Chicago Bears fan from beating his wife?
Dress her in Green and Gold

What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an Chicago Bears fan?
The bucket

Why do Chicago Bears fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicap spaces

Why doesn’t Springfield have a professional football team?
Because then Chicago would want one

What do you call 53 rich guys sitting around watching the Super Bowl?
The Chicago Bears

What did Jay Cutler get on his Wonderlic test?

Why do the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south?
Because the Vikings blow and the Bears suck.

What’s the best thing to come out of Chicago?


The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day and they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Bears are going to win the Super Bowl!”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey survived!”


On the first day of school the teacher explained to her class that she’s a Chicago Bears fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they’re Bears fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, “Janie, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not a Bears fan,” she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you aren’t a Bears fan, then who are you a fan of?”

“I am a Packers fan,” the girl replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. “Janie please tell us why you’re a Packers fan?”

“Because my mom is a Packers fan, and my dad is Packers fan, so I’m a Packers fan too!”

“Well,” said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Packers fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?”

“I’d be a Bears fan,” she said.


A Chicago Bears football fan was almost killed in a tragic horse accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.


A man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing playoff tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren’t any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bears playoff tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren’t any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bears ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

This goes on for another week, with the same man asking the ticket teller about Bears playoff tickets. Finally the ticket teller yells, “I’VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS THERE ARE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECA– — USE THE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!”

The man replied, “I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay just to hear you say that!”

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. TroyMonger December 11, 2012

    Good Stuff!

  2. Danford Cuntington-Smythe December 11, 2012

    When Chicago Bears players have sex, why are they on the bottom?

    Because they can only fuck up.

  3. White Lightning December 11, 2012

    What’s the difference between the Chicago Bears and a $1 bill?
    You can always get 4 quarters out of a $1..

  4. Jonathan December 12, 2012

    How do you keep a Bears fan from masturbating?

    Paint his dick green and gold, he wont beat it for 3 years.

    1. robert maus December 13, 2012

      if a bears fan painted his dick green and yellow he would beat it til it pukes

  5. Chris December 12, 2012

    What’s the difference between a Cheesehead and a Dickhead?

    The Wisconsin/Illinois border!

  6. robert maus December 12, 2012


    1. Billy Bob May 3, 2016

      I think the packers won that game…. now that’s funny!

  7. robert maus December 13, 2012

    You know what has more holes than a cheesehead hat?Green Bays secondary

  8. Mike December 13, 2012

    How do you keep bears out of your backyard? Put up a goalpost.

    Did you you hear about Jay Cutler’s new contract? The Bears signed him for three years or 50 fourth-quarter interceptions, whichever comes first.

  9. TyKoSteamboat December 13, 2012

    The world ends in 8 days…
    Bears fans wish it would end in 2 days…

  10. White Lightning December 13, 2012

    Your dick pukes? Are you an alien?

  11. Tim December 14, 2012

    What do the Chicago Bears and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

  12. Dan Hamhuis March 26, 2013

    You guys just copied the same exact one bears say about the packers, except you just switch it.. Packers Fuckin Suck!!!!!!!! Go suck a dick pack fans! U all fat asses!!! Go fucking complain…

  13. Gerke July 22, 2013

    What doe’s a Tampon and the Bears have in common? Only good for one period, they don’t have a second string, and they belong in the trash when you are done with them!!

  14. Gerke July 22, 2013

    A Packer fan, a Viking fan and a Bear fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Viking fan insists he is the most loyal. “This is for the Vikings” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Packer fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells “This is for the Packers!” and pushes the Bear fan off the mountain!!!!

  15. Gerke July 22, 2013

    ~ A lion in the Madison zoo was lying in the sun licking it’s ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, “That’s a docile old thing isn’t it?” “No way,” said the zookeeper, “it’s the most ferocious animal in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Chicago Bears fan into the cage and completely devoured him.” “Hardly seems possible” said the astonished visitor, “but why is it lying there licking its ass?” “The poor thing is trying to get the nasty taste out of its mouth” said the zookeeper.

  16. Bear fan December 23, 2013

    What’s the diffrence between Green Bay and Chicago … Chicago is not a hick town slum lol that why we put Aron Rogers on the ir bitches

  17. Packer fan December 29, 2013

    You know what’s worse than the Chicago Bears ? Ya me neither ….

  18. Not a backward hick January 4, 2014

    I hear there are 8,000 seats at Lambeau still available for the Packers v. Forty-Niners game. The team is out looking for 2,000 Wisconsin residents to fill them.

    1. notapackerfan September 9, 2014

      that is stupid

  19. Chase March 15, 2014

    Have you heard about the speeding penalty in Illinois?

    First offense, you get Bears tickets.

    Second offense, you use them.

  20. the bears still suck August 29, 2014

    Whats the difference between a bears fan and the back to the future movie. Eventually the movie quits going back to 1985

  21. Bill October 3, 2015

    How do you get a bears fan off your porch? Just pay for the pizza….

  22. Killin all bear fans February 4, 2016

    How do you shut up a bear fans mouth? You put a pistol in his throat and pull the trigger