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The NFL season finally kicks off tonight with the Dallas Cowboys at the New York Giants. Here’s what you need know and what you should look for.

Why the hell is this game on Wednesday and not Thursday like usual?
Yeah, I know, now you’re going to be hungover on Thursday morning instead of having the traditional start-the-weekend-early Friday morning hangover. This sucks and we recommend you start your Thursday with a Bloody Mary and maybe some uppers. But you’re wondering why the NFL has forsaken you in such a fashion. Well, there’s some stupid political convention going on this week and The Rog doesn’t want to piss off The Barack, who’s giving a speech on Thursday night, so he moved his game up to Wednesday.

Why the hell aren’t the Green Bay Packers playing?
Because The Rog hates the Green Bay Packers and everything else that is good and right. The opening-night game always features the previous season’s Super Bowl winner, so we’re automatically subjected to the torture that is watching the New York Giants. Last season, the Packers played the New Orleans Saints — the previous season’s Super Bowl winner — in the opening game. Quality programming. The year before, the Saints played the Minnesota Vikings in a rematch of the NFC Championship game. Quality programming. This year, the Giants play the Dallas Cowboys, who they face twice every season, and didn’t bother to make the playoffs last season. Real intriguing, especially considering the Packers are in fact on the Giants’ schedule this season. In other words, the NFL hates you and all fans in general.

What to watch for

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s wife — Romo always chokes in the playoffs, but who really cares? He’s married to former Miss Missouri Candice Crawford. That’s the important thing.

Candice Crawford

Manning Face — Eli Manning is one of the blandest athletes in all of sports. He’s pushing Matt Ryan territory. The one noteworthy thing he does, other than win Super Bowls, is whine, cry, pout, and generally look lost and confused, much like his brother Peyton. At some point, Manning Face will be on display tonight, especially if things are going bad for the Giants. Also, look for Manning to say “der?” at least 15 times throughout the evening.

Eli Manning face

How many times the announcers talk about the Cowboys Super Bowl window — Let’s see, these assholes haven’t been to the playoffs since 2009. They’ve won a whopping one playoff game in the past decade. These shitbags never had a Super Bowl window and you can thank the finest general manager in the league, Jerry Jones, for that. Still, the Cowboys are all about hype. All style, zero substance. Hell, how do you think they got the opening game to begin with? That means the guys in the booth will be analyzing their “Super Bowl window” at least once or twice.

Tony Romo playoffs

Backwards ballcaps — Wearing your ballcap backwards is the total bro thing to do. Right, bra? Tony Romo is a bro. Tony Romo is never seen in public without his ballcap on… backwards. Wearing it forward would be totally un-bro, bro. What is the first thing Romo’s son saw when he breached the vag? Backwards Starter cap. You’ll be getting a heavy dose tonight, too.

Tony Romo's son

Enjoy the game!

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Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

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17 Comments

  1. Kevin September 5, 2012

    Best article ever

  2. JCO September 5, 2012

    Look at Romo’s baby…I think he just realized his dad is gay

    1. E. Wolf September 5, 2012

      Yeah that’s why he is marrried to MIss Missouri. Are you in the 6th grade?

  3. iltarion September 5, 2012

    Good picture of Romo’s wife. Keep up the good work.

  4. E. Wolf September 5, 2012

    It sure feels strange wanting the Cowboys to win. I have seen almost all of these phenomena so far. This is bittersweet–start of the football season, with two teams I dislie, with two quarerbacks I dislike.

  5. Pack Lethal September 5, 2012

    “Two teams I dislie, with two quarerbacks I dislike.” Are you in the 6th grade?

    1. E. Wolf September 6, 2012

      More stupid, inane commentary from some of the less astute posters on here.
      There are many adjectives and verbs I can use to describe Romo in expressing my dislike for the guy-but “gay” is not one of them. That’s what distinguishes the adult, thinking set from the Beavis and Butthead, idiocracy undertow that is overaking this country.

  6. WhiteLightning September 5, 2012

    ^ Zing!

  7. nurseratchett September 5, 2012

    HOLY SHIT THE PO-BOYS WON…

    Check out the “expert” picks…

    http://espn.go.com/nfl/picks

  8. Richard September 5, 2012

    Anybody here that claims to be a true Packer fan and isn’t thrilled that the Giants just lost is a total imposter. The Giants are the luckiest team of the last 5 years, and probably the only team in Green Bay’s way of another trophy this year.

    1. E. Wolf September 6, 2012

      It’s tough, because I really hate the Cowboys. The only time I realy want them to win is they are playing the Vikings or Patriot, or otherwise helping the Packers’ cause. I guess this fits under the latter. I’d like to think the Pack could dispatch the Giants in any playoff rematch. We want revenge.

  9. Richard September 5, 2012

    Calling Romo gay as an insult while rooting for Aaron Rodgers at the same time is pretty much the dictionary definition of the term “sexually confused”

  10. Pack Lethal September 6, 2012

    E.Wolf pull the stick out of your uptight ass. Nobody wants to hear your father figure bullshit. Don’t be “Gay”;-)

    1. E. Wolf September 6, 2012

      And how about you slogging down a nice big plate of stale puppy chow, followed by a big swig of liquid draino. Now fuck off and die.

      Kisses,

      E. Wolf

  11. Darrin September 6, 2012

    I happen to like Romo, mostly because he nailed more hot ass at EIU than I did. So I give him props for that. And he grew up in Wisconsin so he can’t be a total douche, like say, Jay Cutler.

  12. iltarion September 6, 2012

    I have to agree with Richard here.

    I hate the Cowboys but it was beyond sweet to see the Giants become for the first Super Bowl winner to lose in the season opener.

    Suck on that, Giants.

    Actually, I thought JCO’s comment was hilarious.

    And there is no “hot ass” at EIU.

    Thank you.

    1. E. Wolf September 7, 2012

      Actually, I thought JCO’s comment was hilarious.

      “Hilarious?” I can see you laughing at such “witty banter.”