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Desmond Bishop Has Calves of 12-Year-Old Girl

Desmond Bishop

Green Bay Packers inside linebacker Desmond Bishop unexpectedly failed his physical yesterday, meaning he wasn’t able to practice when the team opened training camp today.

What was the issue? Bishop was listed as having a non-football injury, which usually entails someone getting tendinitis in their thumbs from playing too many video games, a chafed member from watching too much porn or a broken face from smashing their motorcycle into a tree while hopped up on Valium and whiskey.

Not Bishop, though. No, he strained his calf while working out last weekend. If you recall, Bishop missed three weeks last season after his vagina calves gave out.

So, it’s been confirmed — Desmond Bishop has the calves of a 12-year-old girl.

Fortunately, the Packers appear to have a bona fide starter in D.J. Smith wasting away on the bench. He took Bishop’s place in the starting lineup on Thursday. Unfortunately, if Bishop and his girl calves don’t get back on the field then Smith won’t be able to take all-around weak tit A.J. Hawk‘s job.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Chris July 26, 2012

    That is so silly. Calf strains occur in the greatest of athletes, usually from ultra-difficult training. The problem with them is that once you get one, they keep coming back. They really are terrible afflictions and nothing to do with a wimp. He appears to have injured them in a game last year on a defense that required 250% effort by beasts like Bishop on a defense with major D-line/secondary issues. Again, I’d like to see any sports writer, as manly as they think they might be, play one snap of NFL football or undergo a quarter of a day of typical training of someone like Bishop and see how long they are hospitalized for.

  2. dave July 26, 2012

    I don’t know Chris… Monty is well known for his solid medical diagnostic skills, I’m going to have to side with him on this one.

  3. Vijay July 26, 2012

    Spittin venom today!!! Ouch!

  4. Pack Morris July 26, 2012

    vagina calves, lol. gonna be a while before I don’t think of that when I hear Bishop’s name.

  5. iltarion July 26, 2012

    Unfortunately, calves bear no resemblance to vaginas. I have confirmed this.

    As said above, the calf is a capricious muscle that is easy to tweak once injured. Sort of like a hamstring.

  6. PackMatt July 26, 2012

    Bishop is a beast. Hope he is 100% by the start of the reg season. This will be a great opportunity for other guys to get some reps in with the first string. We all know dj smith can get it done and I’m lookin fwd to him beating out hawk for a starting spot. I’d also like to see what Terrell Manning can do. Heard Mel Kiper rave about him say that if he played another yr of college ball he’d b his number one olb for next yrs draft

  7. Jack July 27, 2012

    …Bishop is one of the few players on D that actually hits people…….

    he didnt tweak his calf lifting weights and you know it; he strained it as he was boinking the wife against the wall for the umteenth time in 4 hours after having worked out for 6 hours before that (using two 4X4 trucks for dumbells : )

  8. Jaykat July 27, 2012

    So did Michael Jordan …

  9. Pack Lethal July 27, 2012

    Girl calves or not I agree with Pack Matt.

  10. bill from jersey August 11, 2012

    laugh…..ha ha what a lame article.we lost our only true hitter and tackler [matthews excluded]on the team for the year,so funny. montie,would love to see a picture of your vigi..umm..calves. c.benson on the pack…i love it…lets see how he plays on a real team