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As It Turns Out, Bears Probably Traded For Another Scumbag

Brandon Marshall

Just when we were patting the Chicago Bears and their new management on the back for at least trying to compete with the Green Bay Packers again, we get this. And to be completely honest, it put a big smile on our faces.

The big-time acquisition the team just made, the one that addressed one of their biggest weaknesses, receiver Brandon Marshall has been accused of punching a broad outside a nightclub…


No, we’re not laughing at the fact that a woman was allegedly hit. We don’t condone such nonsense. We’re laughing at the Chicago Bears, who somehow continue to be a joke of an organization without former GM Jerry Angelo. It’s almost as if they’re striving for the mantle held by the Minnesota Vikings.

Guess what?

The organization knew about the incident and decided to go ahead and trade for Marshall anyway. What’s that smell? Ah yes, the pungent stench of desperation.

“Both the Bears and Dolphins were aware of what occurred over the weekend. We decided to move forward with the trade. We have high expectations for Brandon as a Bear,” new GM Phil Emery said.

Fuck Phil, Jerry couldn’t have said it better.

Seriously though, we don’t know what happened. There’s a lot of he said, she said BS. The incident apparently started when Marshall got into an argument with another player at a club in New York on Sunday. Here’s a rundown.

At around 4 a.m., birthday girl Christin Myles, 24, left an upper floor to greet a friend downstairs.

When she tried to get back upstairs, a bouncer told her she had to wait because there was a fight between two football players — Marshall, 27, and an unknown athlete — who were being thrown out, the sources said.

She later met up with her friends, who by then were arguing with Marshall and the other football player outside, sources said.

Marshall then allegedly cold-cocked Myles in the left eye. She suffered a black eye. It wasn’t clear if he allegedly intended to strike her or one of her pals.

Marshall’s people claim his wife was hit by a bottle and suffered injuries as a result. They also claim Marshall wasn’t involved in any sort of fight.

We’re going to reserve judgment at the moment. And speaking of, does anyone know what happened to Sam Hurd?

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Jeff March 14, 2012

    Seriously ? You Packer fans are a JOKE! You are a bunch of little girls and the only reason your taking stabs at The Chicago Bears is because you know for a fact that you will not be beating us this year :>)

    1. PackerBob March 14, 2012

      We beat you last year. And the year before that. Just sayin..

  2. Jack March 14, 2012

    Question: If Cutler goes “vagina” again….will his WR smack him across the face like a bitch???

  3. Jeff March 14, 2012

    @ Jack, atleast in Chicago we are hitting, I don’t think anyone on your defense hit anything last year lmao

    1. PackerBob March 14, 2012

      Is your mangina still sore from the NFC Championship game?

  4. Kevin March 14, 2012

    Jeff–little testy today? I think you need to sit back, take a deep breath and realize that you are defending a WR for beating a woman. Take shots at the Packers–it’s your right to do that. But seriously, do you really condone Marshall’s behavior?
    And honestly, I do believe Jack is correct that Cutler did go “vagina” when he took himself out of one of the biggest games of his career!

  5. Pack Morris March 14, 2012

    LOL at this poll. hilarious.

  6. wisconsinfan March 14, 2012

    Ya too bad when our defense was playing shitty we still swept the bears last year and one player aint gonna change that jeff. I cant wait for him to go bipolar and have a meltdown in chicago then watch cuntler pout about it as hes being pummeled behind your shitty o line

  7. PackerBob March 14, 2012

    Besides Marshall being a complete douche bag, I still think it was a good move for the Bears. He will make them a better team. But if Marshall gets outta hand then it could backfire. Desperate teams make desperate moves. Hence, why you don’t hear much noise from the Pack.

    Also …FUCK DA BEARS!!

  8. Blake March 14, 2012

    As if there haven’t been any scumbag vaginas that have played for the Packers.

    1. Monty March 14, 2012

      Please, you don’t need to remind us of the greatest play in Green Bay Packers history. We all remember the day The Funky QB got the funk knocked right the fuck out of him.

  9. Savage57 March 14, 2012

    Looks like the assholes to the south are going to try to be this year’s Philadelphia Eagles.

    Their back-up QB is better than their starter.


  10. guysocke March 14, 2012

    As a Packer fan born, raised and residing in the great city of Chicago, Illinois, allow me to break down the perennial season timeline of the Bears ‘fan’.

    March and April – Overvalue every offseason move made. Commence proclamations of Super Bowl contention.

    May through June – Steady stream of Ditka references and fudge-packer jokes. Guarantee division title to anyone who will listen.

    July – Slip word ‘Bourbonnais’ in every single sentence uttered save unfounded accusations Rodgers is a homosexual.

    August – Choose from two staple post-preseason game analyses: “We’re going to dominate the rest of the league this year.” (win) or “It’s just the preseason.” (loss).

    September through November – Ebbs and flows of false hope and sheer panic. Question competency of Lovie Smith.

    December – With worst fear of having nothing left to play for realized, openly denounce team. State intent to not watch another of the team’s games for the rest of the season. Begin search for cozy hibernation den.

    January through February – Put off hibernation long enough to explain their team should still be playing and winning a title. Blame crucial injury/bad call/unlucky bounce.


    1. iltarion March 15, 2012


      Funniest thing posted on here in a while. Props.

  11. wisconsinfan March 14, 2012

    Dude i used to live in chicago too and u are spot on hahahaha thats awesome

  12. Ron Mexico March 14, 2012

    guysocke, that is hilarious. I would like to add “demands current starting QB be benched in favor of completely untested rookie/washed up old guy” to that timeline somewhere around October/November.

  13. Chicago Dog March 15, 2012

    All this smack-attack from the fans of the football team (the Packers) that played but only one (“1” for those of you from Green Bay with literacy problems) more game into the Playoffs than The Bears.

  14. iltarion March 15, 2012

    Chicago fans are great.

    When was the last time the Bears beat the Packers without the aid of over 15 penalties? I don’t even remember. Its been that long.

  15. Bearssuck March 23, 2012

    i love when bears fans come on this website and try to unsuccessfully prove their “worth”

  16. no repeat July 5, 2012

    Yea i guess it doesnt matter how many games u win does it…hahahahaha