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Jay Cutler’s Sore Vagina Doesn’t Know If Jay Cutler Can Make It

Jay Cutler

Hmmm... should I play or fake an injury?

The last we heard of [intlink id=”13″ type=”category”]Chicago Bears[/intlink] quarterback [intlink id=”405″ type=”category”]Jay Cutler[/intlink] he was quitting on his team in the second half of the NFC Championship game.

Oh, wait!. That’s not true.

The last we heard of Jay Cutler he was quitting on his engagement to Kristin Cavallari, who, let’s be honest, is way better than he could have ever hoped for. And frankly, that’s not saying much. She was on a reality show. She had a nice ass. She was famous for not really having ever done anything — kind of like Jay Cutler himself.

You get the picture.

So guess what?

Jay Cutler has been sacked a lot already this season. In two games, he’s been sacked 11 times.

That’s because his offensive line sucks… just like it did last season… and the season before. [intlink id=”16″ type=”category”]Jerry Angelo[/intlink] is a master general manager, but that’s another story.

Cutler was a little sore earlier this week, which, we suspect is because he was hit 16 times in the Bears’ loss to the Saints in week two. As you might expect, when Cutler showed up at his press conference this week his vagina hurt.

Cutler was asked whether he could make it through a full season taking the number of hits he’s taken through the first two games. Not surprisingly, he did’t know, which is pretty much par for the course.

“I don’t know,” Cutler said. “I don’t know.”

Hey, Jay Cutler is a good teammate. He doesn’t throw anyone under the bus.

Later in the press conference, Cutler would say this.

“Look, you all know I’m a total cunt and a quitter. My fucking vagina hurts right now and I don’t even know if I want to play against the Packers. If things get tough, I’ll probably fake an injury and sit out the second half. Okay? And look, if these shitbags could block, I might throw for 500 yards. But hey, let’s face it — they can’t and neither can I.”

On the positive side — for the Bears, anyway — they’re playing against a Green Bay Packers secondary that has allowed two 400-yard passing games. One of them was by rookie Cam Newton.

On the negative side, the Bears have no offensive line and the same shitty receivers they had last year, plus Roy Williams, who might be shittier than the receivers they had to begin with.

They also have Jay Cutler at quarterback and his vagina already hurts.

So, he’ll probably quit well before the playoffs, this year.

Might even be this week.

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Sarah September 23, 2011


  2. MadCityChad September 23, 2011

    Wow… Did an 8 year old write this?

    1. Rob September 23, 2011

      Wow, did a 6 year old comment on this?

    2. BuddyXLV September 23, 2011

      That’s just Monty’s style, he’s using humor to lighten things up. It’s called entertainment. People wouldn’t come to this site if it weren’t entertaining. So don’t bust his balls and stop being an uptight jerk!

    3. Pio September 24, 2011

      Then that’s one sweet 8 year old.

  3. Ryan September 23, 2011


  4. sw3 September 23, 2011

    As a kid we had Packer fans in town. They were more than obnoxious. I beat one of them up – and felt bad. I don’t feel bad anymore. Want to do it one more time.

    1. BuddyXLV September 23, 2011

      Go suffocate in your boyfriends ass. It’s people like you that us tax payers have to pay in to fund the prison system. Stupid criminal!

  5. Randy R September 23, 2011

    The following is a post i put on nfl.com, in the context of this story………………………………………………………………..LAKE FOREST, Ill. — Still raspy-voiced from a kick to the throat and beatdown by the New Orleans Saints defense, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler rapped twice on a lectern when pondering whether he could make it through the rest of this season with this type of punishment. “I don’t know,” Cutler said. “I dont need this, I may get injured again this Sunday,” “You all saw what happened, and we have to play the Packers?” ” Do you know what their gonna do to me?” “I dont want any part of it, i just may call in sick or something.”

  6. Darrin September 23, 2011

    I’m starting to think the Bears OL is hanging Cutler out to dry because he’s such a pussy. Can they really be that bad? Frank Omiyale against Matthews this weekend ought to be interesting. If Clay doesn’t get a couple sacks there’s really something wrong with his quad.

  7. haywoodjablowme September 23, 2011

    Woww…what an absurd article written by gutless loser sitting behind a pc bashing an NFL QB. Can’t wait till Cuntler and the Bears give the Packs a whipping they will never forget. Hope Cuntler brings his Vagisil along for the ride.
    Go BEARS!

    1. BuddyXLV September 23, 2011

      Are you behind a PC? Aren’t you bashing your own QB? Are you being delusional? Don’t cry now, save it for after the game on Sunday you gutless loser!

  8. nurseratchett September 23, 2011

    LOL Rodgers was the most sacked QB for the 2001 season, & he didn’t once throw the O-line under the bus….although he did chuck the special teams once or twice…

    Man up. Its why girls don’t play the game. Maybe vaJayJay would be more comfortable in the LFL???

    1. nurseratchett September 23, 2011

      HOLY CRAP DRUNK ALREADY…meant 2009….A-Rodge was sacked 50 times that year.

  9. Sisto September 23, 2011

    Cuttler is a Wimp! A Wimp! He looked at the Packer Defense like a Deer in headlights in the NFC Championship! He got his Wimpy butt kicked and the fool sat on the sideline pouting like a baby in the second half! He’s still afraid of the Packer Defense and called out his offensive line to step up on protecting his Wimpy butt this Sunday because history will repeat itself! Cutler will not be in a hurry to get on the field and see those Meat Packing Defensive Linemen starring him down licking their chops! Go pack!

  10. haha September 23, 2011

    “haywoodjablowme” i love people like you who comment on packers blogs. what a dick. your “hoorah!” doesnt even make any sense. “hope cuntler brings his vagasil along for the ride?” go fuck yourself cake eater.