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Jay Cutler Will Not Be Choking On That Gravy After All

As you’ve probably heard by now, the nuptials of [intlink id=”13″ type=”category”]Chicago Bears[/intlink] quarterback [intlink id=”405″ type=”category”]Jay Cutler[/intlink] and former reality TV star Kristin Cavallari have been called off.

Like us, you probably wondered what the hell would happen to the luxurious gravy boat we purchased for them from their gift registry. You probably also wondered if the whole engagement was just a ruse to get free crap from people. Then you probably cursed the Cutler name and said something like, “I hope you choke on that fuckin’ gravy you mouth breathing son of a bitch!”

Well, yesterday we received this card at Total Packers headquarters.

It appears they won’t be choking on our gravy after all.

Cutler return cardI wonder whose assistant had to fill these out.

I like the fact that they underlined the word ‘note.’ Either the person who was forced to personalize these is a Green Bay Packers fan or no one bothered to read the note, because it would have been anything but appreciated.

On a side note that will surely find you rolling on the floor, Cavallari reportedly accused Cutler of faking the injury he faked in the NFC Championship game.

In January, they got into a big blow-out argument after Jay injured his knees during the NFL playoffs. He was diagnosed with a MCL sprain. “Kristin called Jay out, saying she thought he was faking the injury and told him he was worthless.”

Our source says everyone agreed it was only a “matter of time” before they split. “Their breakup was no surprise at all to anyone who lived in the building. We thought they would end things before they got married, and if they did go through with the wedding we were convinced they’d divorce. They fought all the time, and to be honest, I blame Jay. He was awful.”

Ah, those crazy kids!

Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Vijay August 7, 2011

    So, you stuck that note on your fridge did you?

    Jay’s just got no personality for a woman with half a brain. And yes, I said half…after all that’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of ours. It’s science!

  2. Hendecahedron August 7, 2011

    So, the gene pool is safe from those two breeding together… but they can still do it on their own, provided they find equally idiotic partners… ah shit…

  3. Greg August 8, 2011

    I think McNabb could use a new soup bowl…maybe something engraved?

  4. Boston August 11, 2011

    yeah this should become a thing. You should set up a donations page that we can put money in to buy rival players random shit that they don’t really need, just to screw with them