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Jared Allen Will No Longer Be Able To Rope Calves

Sorry Jared, you are too awesome for the NFL.

We’re going to take a break from telling you everyone on the Green Bay Packers is injured to deliver some good news.

Minnesota Vikings defensive end/sheep fucker Jared Allen will no longer be able to perform the traditional version of his sack celebration. You know, the one where he drops to one knee and pretends to rope a calf.

As totally awesome as the celebration is and absolutely not something a gay hillbilly would do, Allen will be penalized 15 yards for if he continues to drop to his knee. That’s because the NFL’s head of officiating has decided to apply a rule about celebrating while on the ground to Allen.

“The Vikings were informed by Vice President of Officiating Carl Johnson that Jared Allen’s demonstration, in which he goes to the ground on one knee, is unsportsmanlike conduct as defined by NFL rules. Rule 12, Section 3, Article 1 (d) of the NFL Rule Book states: ‘Players are prohibited from engaging in any celebrations while on the ground.’ Demonstrations of this kind by any player will result in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (loss of 15 yards) and are subject to potential fines.”

While we’re all for anything that throws a wrench in Allen’s game, this rule raises some other questions.

I seem to recall guys celebrating on the ground for some time. For example, when guys pile on each other in the end zone after a touchdown, whether they’re already on the ground or someone jumps on another guy’s back and they both fall to the ground.

Isn’t that an example of guys celebrating on the ground? Are those guys going to be penalized and fined for letting their natural exuberance take over in the heat of the moment or does this just apply to stupid rednecks like Allen who make a scene individually?

I’m not sticking up for Allen’s idiocy, and I’m sure he’ll come up with something equally lame, but the NFL really knows how to suck the fun out of the game.


Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. jeremy October 7, 2010

    No Fun League…

  2. bogmon October 7, 2010

    I for one am glad…
    The bull roping thing jus’ brings to mind some sort of “Deliverance” type of scenario in the woods of Minnesota that’d I’d rather not picture on a weekly basis.

    If Allen weren’t a pig f****er I’d let it slide, but with him it’s just too eerie.