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Underwood Won’t Be Charged With Sexual Assault, May Be Charged With Solicitation

Brandon Underwood

Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger.

Never trust a whore.

Those of us who dally in the arts — the art of picking up broads, that is — know it well, and now Green Bay Packers’ cornerback Brandon Underwood knows it, too.

As expected, Underwood will not be charged with sexual assault, but he may be charged with solicitation of prostitution. The two Milwaukee-area women who levied the charges against Underwood could be charged with prostitution, as well.

Bill Michaels has the story.

Underwood met the two women at Chubby’s, a gentleman’s club outside of the Lake Delton area. Underwood solicited one or both of the women to return to his room. While an encounter between Underwood and one of the women was taking place, the other woman in question attempted to rob the Packers player. Once she was discovered, the two women were thrown out of the condo. That’s when the two women called police and reported the assault. The two women in question were seen laughing and “carrying on” afterwards by witnesses.

So there you have it. Underwood did nothing wrong, unless you consider this sort of business transaction between two willing adults to be wrong.

Packers’ guard Josh Sitton spoke to the situation yesterday.

“I know Underwood is innocent when it comes to any legal issues,” Sitton said. “That’s my personal opinion about that. Legally, my opinion is that he didn’t do anything wrong or whatever. The allegations are very bogus.”

Sitton was at the Lake Delton condo where the events took place. Matt Flynn, Korey Hall, Brad Jones, Clay Matthews and Khalil Jones were also in attendance. All were questioned and cleared by police before being released.

Underwood, however, remained under investigation, but the case quickly fell apart.

It has been revealed the stupid cunts who made the allegations changed their story.

The women initially said multiple players sexually assaulted them, Dorner said. However, upon further interviews, both women said only one player was involved in the assault.

“That, obviously, is somewhat troubling when you have such a big discrepancy in the initial statement than what they claimed shortly into the investigation,” Lake Delton Police Chief Tom Dorner said.

The worst thing I would accuse Underwood of in this situation is using poor judgment. But he isn’t the first guy, nor will he be the last, to get fucked over by a couple of whores.

I could tell you a story about the time my friend called a couple of girls from Craigslist who subsequently came into his house, collected their money and left. When my friend walked out his door he was met by two larger-than-him goons who weren’t giving any refunds. Or I could tell you the story of an acquaintance who met a couple of escorts at a Las Vegas casino bar. They followed him to the ATM machine and then upstairs. When he woke up his ATM card was gone and his bank account was empty.

So, go to Amsterdam, throw in a porno and jerk off or make an ill-advised booty call if you want to stay clear of this kind of trouble.

It’s somewhat curious to me why NFL players can’t stay away from marginal pussy. From Eugene Robinson to Ben Roethlisberger, there have been some really questionable decisions when it comes to NFL players obtaining the vag.

Underwood isn’t any different from any number of guys, I guess. Let’s just hope he’s learned his lesson.


Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. PackerFanInFL June 8, 2010

    “jerk off”

    you just can’t stop talking about favre can ya

  2. Abe Frohman June 8, 2010

    I think you miss the point, Monty. “marginal pussy” is still pussy. As guys, isn’t that what we’re shooting for, pun intended? If presented with the possibility of two at once, how many men, married or not, are going to say no? Let’s call it a case of beer goggling and be done with it – stupid and ill advised to be sure. Joe six pack on the street does not face the kind of scrutiny that these guys do. BU unfortunately needed to learn that lesson the hard way.

    Not sure how you get busted for solicitation when you attempt to stop some whores from robbing you for said “services”.

  3. jeremy June 8, 2010

    So, unless the two women are stupid enough to testify that they were selling sex, how is the DA going to prosecute Underwood this one? Anyway what jury (criminal has to be a unanimous guilty) is going to convict him on the testimony of two hooks who were trying to commit theft, and have already falsely accused him and several other players of sexual assault. Unless Underwood and his Agent get Lionel Hutz to be his defender, this will all be blown over by Training Camp.

  4. Nick Vick June 8, 2010

    It really blows my mind that NFL players run into these situations. Hell I make 40 g’s a year and I don’t have a problem pickin up a slore from the club. If your in the 7 figure income bracket you should be able to find 100’s of skanks to bring back home.

  5. MadcityPackerfan June 8, 2010

    Was Favre they’re pimp?

  6. Taryn June 9, 2010

    The real question is why, if your making 7 figure income are you still hanging around sleazebags making 40 g and picking up sleazebags?I would think that the EXTRA cash would help the little head think more clearly.But,it just goes to prove a sleaze is a sleaze no matter what your income.
    Seems you guys haven’t got enough character or self esteem to entice a real woman to your bed.Street walkers hooking up with street walkers!!!

  7. Kyle June 9, 2010

    Taryn’s onto something here. After all, the prostitutes/call girls/whatever that high roller politicians visit don’t turn around and try to press charges against them for sexual assault/rape. It just goes wrong when it comes out that the politician is married. Why can’t NFL players seem to get these types of girls?

    But then again, I suppose there really isn’t a big market for something like that in Green Bay, WI…

  8. PackerFanInFL June 9, 2010

    Maybe he’s just into big fat white asses..if so WI is the mecca of the universe…I’m sure Matt Fox would offer up (in) his booty to underwoood.

  9. jeff ircink June 9, 2010

    “is Favre their pimp?” hahahaha. right.

    um…i’m not sure if WI is leading the nation in fat asses anymore. i could be wrong but i thought i heard CA moved up near the top of the list. while living there, i heard this and thought it odd at the time.

  10. PackerFanINFL June 10, 2010

    Do I need to point out the irony of what state is number 1? (think number 4)..lol

  11. jeff ircink June 10, 2010

    i was gonna point that out…but i figured someone here would call me on it.