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Jared Allen No Longer A Dumbass With A Mullet, Just A Dumbass

Jared Allen

Uhhh hul hul

Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet.

Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married.

That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married.

When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal in Minnesota, we decided to find out what prize he was shacking up with. I mean, obviously this woman must have a gun rack in the back of her ’86 Ford F-150, a dip of Red Man in her left cheek and a flannel shirt collection bigger than Eddie Vedder.

When we finally caught up with her, she proved us wrong.

“I was dancing at the Blue Ox Bar in Brainerd when I was 17. I had a fake ID, so, you know, I could support my mother and my son. Jared came in and just swept me off my feet. Not only did he tip me five dollars that night, but he took me out to the point the next night. We shared a box a wine and then he forced himself on me and he lasted almost five minutes! It was sooooooo romantic!

“Well, I got pregnant and had my third abortion and Jared even paid for half! I knew I was in love then. Most guys don’t pay. They don’t even answer the phone at their momma’s house. But not Jared. He has one of those cellular phones and he answered.

“So I left my son with momma and moved to Minneapolis, which is a lot like Brainerd. I lived with Jared fer almost a year now and he hardly ever hits me. So when he got that ring from the pawn shop, well I just couldn’t say no! But I told him he had to cut that hair, cuz he looks too much like my uncle Bob and uncle Bob would touch me in my special place when he got drunk.”

True love, Minnesota style.

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Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

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22 Comments

  1. Abe Frohman May 26, 2010

    ROFLMAO. Hilarous stuff, Monty!

  2. PACKATTACKINMN` May 26, 2010

    What an Assclown!

  3. Kyle May 26, 2010

    Comment by jeff ircink in 3…..2…….1…….

  4. Freckles May 26, 2010

    DEAD at dancing at the Blue Ox Bar in Brainerd.

  5. Mike May 26, 2010


    Kyle:

    Comment by jeff ircink in 3…..2…….1…….

    haha was waiting for the same thing

  6. PackerFaninFL May 26, 2010

    yah why hasn’t the village idiot (jeff ircink) defended the 69er!

  7. Jurgens May 26, 2010

    Jim Rome called him out on the 69 today. About time someone else did…

  8. Al Borland's Beard May 26, 2010

    In all fairness, Jim Rome has no business calling out anyone on anything. That guy is the definition of a tool.

  9. TPS May 26, 2010

    Rome loves him some Aaron Rodgers. He rips on BF (almost) daily. I would say he’s on our side. And with hundreds of stations and a bezillion listeners, I like it.

  10. Al Borland's Beard May 26, 2010

    I don’t care who he likes, he’s like 35, extremely white, but yet he un-ironically tries using hip slang. Plus he likes to emphasize the first syllable of words. “Did you see play homie made? PHE..nominal, SPEC…tacular.” He was all like, not on my turf playa, Ah….mazing.” Oh, and he’s a huge kiss ass to all of his guests and seems like an extremely smug prick that sniffs his own farts. The only reason I stumbled upon his show is because I actually thought he was dying in a fire on live TV. Dare I say, I hate him almost as much as Jared Allen.

  11. jeff ircink May 26, 2010

    jim rome’s a tool (i agree) and i was never a fan of Allen’s mullet. see…i CAN be objective.

    and TPS, Rome has probably praised Favre as much as he ridiculed him.

  12. jeff ircink May 26, 2010

    and wow…not one “fuck you” or “fucker” or “cocksucker” in any of the comments. this can’t be the same Total Packers.

  13. PackerFanINFL May 26, 2010

    you like that word “cocksucker” don’t ya?

  14. jeff ircink May 26, 2010

    that was a short-lived bit of maturity on Total Packers.

    you like that work “cocksucker”, don’t ya, PackerFanINFL?

  15. Tobey Budd May 27, 2010

    …oh my god, that’s funny stuff Monty!
    You’re a funny man! Thanks for the laugh.

  16. tb May 27, 2010

    You are all a bunch of pussies. Have a little class.

    Oh wait, you fucking Sconnies have no class.

  17. RayV#8 May 27, 2010

    lmao, this blog is funny, thanks monty for describing the day in the life of jared allen and the truths behind it!!! lol, GO PACKERS!!!

  18. RealPackerfanWI May 27, 2010

    Shut it TB you little vagina.

  19. favreforever June 1, 2010

    I love how you worthless fucks from wisqueersin can’t accept that the vikings are a better team. do you need favre to tear you apart for another year to finally realize that?

    1. RayV#7 June 1, 2010

      @ favre forever and who gave you favre? lmao, you all Viqueens just jumped on the favre bandwagon!! and just watch douchebag, Packers will win the NFC North and Superbowl!!!!! just look at your name, favreforever, what a dumb fuck, no wonder Jared Allen fits in Minnesota!