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Green Bay Really Does Suck

Highlight of my trip. Waitresses at the Tilted Kilt, who would not sleep with me.

Highlight of my trip: waitresses at the Tilted Kilt, who would not sleep with me.

Hey, it’s nothing personal.

I’ve now been in Green Bay for three days and I can tell you, it really does suck. I have a lot of friends here, my family is here, the Green Bay Packers are here, and I love them all, but there really is nothing to do here (except for tonight, when I will terrorize Lambeau Field, the Baltimore Ravens and the bars surrounding the stadium).

We told you about the Sports Illustrated poll revealing that many NFL players didn’t want to play in Green Bay, last month. Green Bay finished third in the poll behind Oakland and Buffalo.

Well, the “real” journalists in Green Bay finally picked up on said poll yesterday, when the Press Gazette’s Pete Dougherty wrote a piece speaking to several members of the Packers who defended Green Bay.

The typical response centered on two things – the Packers’ tradition and the family atmosphere of Green Bay.

“That’s insane that you wouldn’t want to play for a storied tradition like the Green Bay Packers. The only thing I can take into account is they’re not thinking the right way, they’re thinking about other things, they’re not thinking about what’s important, what it means to be a Green Bay Packer. I don’t think people understand that from the outside looking in,” linebacker Nick Barnett said.

“Until I visited. When I visited I was, ‘Oh, OK, I see why people (play here).’ And really it wasn’t me, it was my wife, she loved it. The people in the organization, they took her out on the town, and she liked the family atmosphere. She was sold and it didn’t take much to sell me,” defensive tackle Ryan Pickett said.

Both of those responses are on target. The Packers do have an unrivaled tradition and any player who doesn’t factor that into the equation is an idiot. Green Bay is also a town built on family, and for the most part, it’s a great place to raise one.

I’m not a player, though, and I don’t have a family. So, as much as the Press Gazette staff writers want to try and make themselves feel better about where they live, I’m sorry, but I can completely relate to the players who voted in that poll.

It’s cold – I went out on Friday night and as I was trying to walk from one bar to another about two blocks away, my balls froze to the side of my leg and my ears felt like they were going to drop off my head. Not comfortable.

There’s nothing to do – my activities since I’ve been here have consisted of going to several bars where the male to female ratio was at least 3-to-1 on the negative side, watching football, eating lunch at my grandmother’s, and doing a ride along with a friend who’s a cop in Howard. While I enjoy some of these things, they are hardly activities I want to pursue on a daily basis. Case in point: I had a friend come up from Milwaukee on Friday night. He left on Saturday because the bar scene was so terrible on Friday.

Hey, I’ve got nothing against this area. I grew up here. It helped form the person I am today (which is a real asshole, if you haven’t noticed). There are a lot of things and people I like here (summer is chief among them).

I have no beef with you if you want to live here. You’re a better person than I. You probably have things like family values, moral compasses, and simple wants and needs. Those things are not familiar to me.

So come tomorrow, if the weather permits, I’m going to take my thin-blooded, amoral, misogynistic ass back to Los Angeles.

But I’ll confirm this now. For the most part, Green Bay sucks.


Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Jeremy Brown December 7, 2009

    2nd’s; GB bar scene is not impressive.

  2. Adam December 7, 2009

    Third. I was born and raised in Appleton (30 mins south of GB) until I was 10. Wisconsin is a great place to visit… family… for a weekend… at the most. Other than drinking myself into a coma, shooting deer, and ice fishing, there’s not much to do in the state anywhere north of Milwaukee/Madison, which pretty much means there’s nothing to do… period.

    Keep the snow, keep the manure, keep the obesity. I’ll keep being 25 in San Diego and drop you a post card from time to time.

  3. Sarah December 7, 2009

    You’re such a California elitist.

  4. Nick December 7, 2009

    Apperently Adam you havent been to the Dells. The only way to be bored there is if you have no pulse

  5. Nick December 7, 2009

    Wow Monty, Green Bay is cold in December??? NO SHIT!?! Go bak to Cali and spread the word of Green and Gold there and leave the man weather to the men in Wisconsin

  6. Danny December 7, 2009

    I’ve been living in the GB area for 5 years now and I can’t imagine a more beautiful place in the summer. I thoroughly enjoyed all three weeks of it.

    But, I have to agree, for the remainder of the year, it’s a challenge not to pack up my family, abandon our house and run off to California.

    To top things off, I’m not even a football fan. (Wait.. did I just say that out loud. Now I am really going to have to run!)

    But, if obesity really is an bigger issue here than other places, I can tell you why. People in this part of the country know good food. Local cheeses, meats and produce are to die for… especially cheese. There’s a reason they call us cheese heads. I’ve never had cheese anywhere else that tastes as flavorful (especially not California cheese… yuck!). And I think this city has the highest ratio of people who are amazing cooks. I never ate as good as I do living here.

    I sure am going to miss the food here when I move to San Fransisco next year.