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Think hard, Walrus.

Think hard, Walrus.

He’s one of the greatest coaches in Green Bay Packers’ history. He’s one of the greatest coaches (and worst general managers) in Seattle Seahawks’ history.

Now, the Cleveland Browns want to ruin all of that.

According to Cleveland.com’s Tony Rossi and former Browns’ great Jim Brown’s loose lips, Browns owner Randy Lerner is trying to hire Mike Holmgren, aka The Walrus, to reorganize Cleveland’s football operations.

“At this moment, right now Randy Lerner is meeting with one of the great football minds in this country,” Brown said. “And if things work out, that person will come in to run the football side of the Browns.”

People are surmising that man is Holmgren, simply because Brown didn’t deny it. If The Walrus wants a challenge, it doesn’t get much bigger than this.

The Browns are a terrible, pathetic excuse for an NFL franchise buried in years of bad management, coaching and personnel decisions. If The Walrus were able to turn the Browns around, it might be his crowning achievement, placing him in the pantheon of NFL geniuses occupied by guys like Bill Parcells.

More likely, the stench of futility that’s surrounded the Browns since they returned from extinction in 1999 would envelop Holmgren and his massive Walrus-y frame like a flesh-eating blob of ectoplasm, forever tainting his legacy. Instead of being remembered with Parcells, The Walrus would be remembered with the guy who sold Bernie Kosar his Jheri-Curl juice.

Fortunately, a source close to Holmgren said The Walrus isn’t making any rash decisions.

The NFL source said that Holmgren wants to wait until after the ’09 season to determine whether he wants to coach, serve as a football czar a la Bill Parcells — or do both.

“He has a full palette of things to choose from,” said the source. “I know he wants to come back.”

Honestly, I don’t care what Holmgren does, but the Browns… yuck!

If Holmgren does take over the Browns, here’s my suggested plan of action.

  1. Kill Eric Mangina. Bury his lifeless carcass under a subdivision in Shaker Heights and never speak his name again.
  2. Expunge the 2009 season from the annals of history.
  3. Cut everyone on the team not named Josh Cribbs or Joe Thomas.
  4. Trade Joe Thomas to the Green Bay Packers for two No. 1 picks.
  5. Get some Walrus friends to fill all those empty roster spots.
  6. Hire Merlin as coach.
  7. Sit back, watch the losses pile up and wait for the draft.
  8. Improve. Rinse. Repeat.

Eventually the Browns can turn it around and maybe The Walrus is the man to do it, but let’s hope for the sake of his legacy he gets a better offer.


Monty McMahon

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.



  1. Matthew November 18, 2009

    It’s true. The Browns are like a Sarlacc pit that swallows up everything and slowly digests it over a period of years. All lights of hope that have entered Cleveland have been swallowed up or extinguished by poor management and inadequate coaching.

    Are you afraid that if Holmgen were to take on such a challenge and succeed, that people would remember his Browns over his Packers?

    To say the Browns are trying to taint his legacy is absurd. They are trying to repair or save their own legacy by any means possible. If anyone is going to taint Homlgen’s legacy, it will be Holmgen himself.

    There’s no doubt that anyone who chooses to take over the job in Cleveland is going to have his hands full. There’s a LOT of work that needs to be done. Cutting everyone but Cribbs and Thomas might be a little harsh, but there would certainly need to be some close examination of the existing talent and coaching staff for sure (Quinn included). Poor performance doesn’t lie solely with the players.

    The big thing I’d like to see is some damned consistency on the sideline. It’s rare that any coach or GM can turn a team around in a single year.

    If the Browns do manage to nab the Walrus to head up football operation, I give it a 50/50 chance that he’d hire Jon Gruden for 2010. And hopefully, the combo would remain in Cleveland for at least 5 years to see their plans through.

  2. Steffen November 18, 2009

    Gruden just signed a multi-year deal with MNF

  3. Matthew November 18, 2009

    Darn. I guess we’ll take Cowher, then.