We here at Total Packers like to have a laugh. We REALLY like to have a laugh at the expense of people from Minnesota or Illinois, but we also like to laugh at ourselves, because hey, there’s a lot about Green Bay to laugh about.
So today, we thought we’d fire up a few things that have come to our attention throughout the week in relation to the Green Bay Packers that made us laugh.
First though, we’ll start over in Minnesota, where the Vikings are a perpetual joke.
Remember once-promising Vikings’ running back Onterrio Smith? After being a stud at Oregon, Smith was drafted by the Vikings in 2004. In 26 games with the team he averaged 4.9 yards per carry and scored 9 touchdowns, and then came the Whizzinator.
In 2005, Smith was stopped by security at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport for carrying this thing through security (NSFW). What the hell is that? A reasonable question for a normal human being.
That’s the Whizzinator, a contraption sold online for people who want to beat a drug test. It comes with the synthetic penis you see in the link above, dried urine, heater packs and a syringe. So, basically, you add water and heat someone else’s clean urine and then squeeze it out of your fake penis when it comes time for your drug test.
Smith was subsequently released by the Vikings and suspended by the NFL.
Well, the Whizzinator in question went up for auction last week and was purchased by a Minnesota sports bar owner for $750. It is now proudly on display at Buster’s Sports Bar and Grill in Mankato.
I wonder what the boat from the infamous Vikings sex boat romp would go for at auction? Always classy, Minnesota!
On another note, NFL Outsider published a list entitled What Type of Girl is Your Favorite NFL Team?
The Packers entry?
Ms. Packer is a farmer’s daughter type. She has adorable facial features and looks great in jeans. Her beauty tends to vacillate at times, with her “off days” usually being a result of her just not prioritizing things like makeup and “fancy clothes”. When she wants to, she cleans up extremely well. Perhaps most appealing about Ms. Packer is her pragmatic approach to life. She’s the kind of girl who has had some sort of small diner waitressing job every year since she was 11, and her honest dream is to be one of those at-home-super-mom’s who lives on a piece of open land with a barn. In order to date Ms. Packer, you must prove that you’re “a good man”.
What they forgot to mention is that after she has her first kid, she’ll keep 40 pounds of that weight on until the day she dies, mostly because she can drink more than you.
The Detroit Lions were the only other NFC North squad to have a listing, so I figured we should make up our own for the Bears and Vikings.
Ms. Bear is a Jewish Princess from the suburbs who comes from an upper middle class background. On the surface, she’s prim and proper, but underneath she is a dirty, filthy girl who’s had more sex than you’d ever care to imagine. She’s educated, pretty (but not gorgeous) and as bipolar as the day is long. She can hang with the guys, but will never date you because you aren’t a doctor, lawyer or stockbroker.
Ms. Viking might be attractive if she lost 30 pounds. She also might be attractive if she had more than a high school education. None of that matters, though, because this broad can drink. Although you can’t stand her fucking accent, with all the long A’s and O’s, it won’t make one iota of difference after that fifth shot of Wild Turkey. The lucky SOB who gets this broad knocked up and has to marry her will take her on their honeymoon to a Vikings’ game, because that’s seemingly the only time anyone shows up at the Metrodome.
OK, so enough of trashing the Vikings and the Bears today. Now, we’ll all sit back and laugh at ourselves.
Deadspin did a series of profiles entitled, Why Your Team Sucks, and here’s a bit from their profile of the Green Bay Packers.
Now, I root for one of the Packers’ main rivals. And the Vikings franchise is as diametrically opposed to the Packers as it gets. The Vikings play in an impersonable shithole. They’re owned by a New Jersey mall magnate who will almost certainly move them. They pump in phony crowd noise during games. They haven’t won dick. They fuck on boats. They are NOT the Packers. And you know what? I’m glad. I’m glad the team I root for has yet to give me some bullshit excuse for me to act like a pretentious fuckmouth whose team represents some sort of lily-white American pastoral that doesn’t actually fucking exist. The Green Bay Packers are the team Sean Hannity fingerbangs his own ass to at night. FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR CHEESE.
This from writer Drew Magary, who goes on to say that the Packers are going to be pretty good this season. If you can’t laugh at yourself, don’t read the full article. If you can, it’s pretty goddam funny.
But not nearly as funny as we are…
Fuck Minnesota, Fuck Chicago.