Bears Fan Checklist

Da Bears!

Tonight, on Monday Night Football, the Green Bay Packers will try to (somewhat) salvage their season by throwing a giant wrench in the hated Chicago Bears playoff hopes.

While I will certainly be belligerently drunk by halftime, I thought I’d start the day out with a little tribute to Chicago Bears’ fans, who rank behind only Vikings fans in terms of classlessness, douchebaggery, and idiocy.

Thanks to Jason for sending this our way.

In honor of football’s most famous rivalry, here is a daily check list for Bears fan:

1. Wake up inside apartment from the sound of the graffiti-decorated train moving along the L tracks.

2. Prepare breakfast, which happens to be cold, leftover Chicago-style pizza smothered with a ridiculous amount of acid reflux-inducing pizza sauce.

3. Call the Governor’s office to put in a bid for open Senator’s seat.

4. Log on to ESPN.com to see if the Cubs landed another high-priced player to expand their payroll, yet not deliver another World Series ring.

5. Since you’re on the computer, watch the “Super Bowl Shuffle” on YouTube to relive the “glory days.”

6. Drive to your self defense class in hopes that you can one day walk home alone from your job, which happens to be two blocks away.

7. At the conclusion of the class, drive home by cutting off other cars, riding the back of the bumper of the car in front of you, and speeding like a complete lunatic.

8. Check the voicemail on your cell phone to see if you’ve been outbid yet on the Senator’s seat that is available.

9. Stop your car because you see a train stopped.

10. Vandalize the train with the can of spray paint you carry in your car.

11. While tagging the train, realize somebody just stole your car.

12. Your phone rings, you hope it’s the Governor getting back to you, but instead it’s your boss wondering where you are. Those deep dish pizzas are not going to cook themselves!

13. After work is done, exit your place of employment through the back door, which leads to an alley. Notice somebody walking through the alley wearing a Brett Favre jersey and mug him. Not only do you need the extra cash since your pizza gig pays minimum wage, but also because you can’t stand it when people wear the jersey of the man who has thrown the most touchdown passes at Soldier Field.

14. Call a cab because you don’t want to get mugged walking home.

15. Eat the pizza you brought home from work using your employee discount.

16. Pass out after drinking a case of Old Style and repeat.

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