You know how we like to make fun of Minnesota Vikings fans. Yeah, it’s like the easiest thing in the world to do because, well, look at them and listen to them, but it’s fun nonetheless. They’re just SO DESPICABLE.
And their team is a joke. One of the eternal variety. Perhaps even cosmic.
I don’t know.
At some point, the football gods decided to take a dump and they shat out the Minnesota Vikings. That steaming pile of shit has been sitting and rotting and festering ever since. Sometimes they put a bow on it and you’re like, wow, that’s a decent-looking piece of shit, but then you realize it’s still a piece of shit.
Anyway, if you’re ever tried to talk to a Minnesota Vikings fan, you know how frustrating that can be. Aside from the fact that it takes them five minutes to get one goddam sentence out of their purdy mouths, they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.
So, we’ve gone ahead and talked to a Vikings fan for you today to see if we could get any sort of coherent thoughts about their crappy team. After all, we don’t watch shit football and the Vikings play shit football, so we literally know nothing about that team.
With that, please welcome back our favorite self-hating Vikings fan from the oh-so-unfortunately-named Purple Jesus Diaries.
Are you going to change your name to Child Abuse Diaries now? How badly did your heart break when your hero was outed as a moron and total piece of shit?
Oh, we’re calling raising your children to know boundaries and respect authority “child abuse” now? I can’t help but think that if more Packer parents raised their kids like Adrian Peterson did, we’d have less goat fornicators and more businessmen. Did my heart break? …. Well, yes. My site sure looks stupid now.
I’ve actually heard Vikings fans try to defend this idiot, which is something we’ve come to expect at this point. You know, Vikings fans being totally delusional and senseless. At any rate, would you like to impart your infinite wisdom upon us about how Adrian Peterson is still the man?
Physically, I mean, he still looks like a good running back. He’s obviously abusive, which in the NFL translates to a “hard runner.” That’s good to have! When he plays for Dallas next year, Tony Romo is going to look GREAT. Maybe only throw interceptions on 50 percent of his passes. Truly, I won’t defend Peterson, but I’m also not going to act like he’s the single worst person in the NFL, when the Packers have gone ahead and harbored painkiller addicts and players who poop on people for pleasure. Soooo… you tell me what’s worse.
Ed note: Abusing children is worse. And The Closet Pooper didn’t poop on a person. He pooped in her laundry basket, which was in her closet. And that’s why he is and will forever be known as… The Closet Pooper.
I really haven’t watched any Vikings football this season, probably for the same reason that I don’t stare at my own shit. It’s disgusting and should be flushed down the toilet. So tell me what we should know about the 2014 version of your shitty team. Same old crap? Good running game, can’t pass, awful secondary?
How kind. The Vikings defense surprisingly doesn’t suck, despite using largely the same players as last season. Anthony Barr has more tackles than Clay Steroids this year, so clearly our rookie is better than your veteran. Even assholes like Josh Robinson and Robert Blanton somehow suck less, simply by having a real coach. So, while Aaron Rodgers is likely still going to be able to part our defense like his lover’s butt cheeks, it may just be a little more difficult. But I hear he likes a good struggle.
Offensively, it depends on who’s the quarterback. Bridgewater is skinny, but legit. Ponder is a trophy husband at best, a mediocre running back at worst. Our running game is garbage, so put all your chips into defending our kicking game.
Hey, speaking of shit. Letroy Guion. Fucking awful. I suppose that’s what we get for picking up some Vikings trash. Has this guy ever made a play? Is he good for anything? Or should we just drag him out behind the barn and shoot him?
Legally, I don’t think you can do something like shooting him without being labeled as an Adrian Peterson sympathizer. But I understand your frustration. On one hand, he was crap his entire time while playing with the Vikings, but on the other hand, he was being coached by Leslie Frazier. So, was he always total shit, or did Frazier make him total shit? I guess we’re finding out he’s just that bad.
Oh, and speaking of picking up someone else’s trash — how’s that whole Greg Jennings thing working out for you? Totally worth $9 million a season, huh?!
Hard to say when your quarterback’s wife is better at her job than he is at his. Also, when Bill Musgrave refuses to call plays for receivers outside of blocking for a child abuser, it doesn’t really match up with the salary. He still looks pretty cool though catching sharply thrown slant passes from Bridgewater. Do Packers fans cry when a Greg Jennings team beats them in Lambeau (not that we’ll ever find out, actually…) or do they save those tears only for Brett Favre?
Young Teddy Ballgame looks doubtful for the game, which means my favorite quarterback of all time, Christian Ponder, will be on the field just tearing the defense apart. That guy is a legend, but everyone already knows that. When Teddy’s vagina feels better and he can play, does that make the Vikings, like, a 7-9 team as opposed to the usual 6-10?
Absolutely! I know you guys are totally used to seeing things like this, but watching Teddy B throw passes with actual arm strength, to the sidelines, and accurately into a receivers’ hands has left most Vikings fans bewildered, aroused, and confused. Teddy may just be the guy we’re looking for, pretty much looking like he knows what a football is all through college, all through the preseason, and in his first NFL start. He’ll be a good one for a while, as long as you fuckers don’t cheat and try to break his skinny legs.
You know, we were all real impressed with the Mike Zimmer hire. More so that you got someone to agree to coach that garbage team than with Mike Zimmer himself, but impressed nonetheless. Anyway, Zimmer is supposed to be some sort of tough, no-nonsense guy, which is a departure from Chilly! and his all-nonsense approach and Leslie, because how can you take a guy named Leslie seriously? At least that’s how it looks from the outside. What is the reality and is Mike Zimmer going to whip this bunch of losers into shape?
First, I think this “Mike Zimmer is a bad ass” narrative is a little tired and trite. What, so an NFL coach swears once on Hard Knocks and gets labeled as a hot head for the rest of his life? It’s like if one player beats a kid and people assign him as a child beater for the remainder of his days! Totally lazy. Second, though, refer back to Josh Robinson and Robert Blanton… two guys who looked like washouts under Big Leslie are now playing and offering solid contributions to a defense that looks light years better than in years past. Also, Harrison Smith has turned from a pretty good young player to maybe a top-five safety in the league in four games under Zimmer. So he may be legit, too.
Alright, we know you’re a self-hating Vikings fan. How badly are you going to lose tonight?
Shit, probably pretty badly. Thursday night games suck goat balls, which is probably why you’re so looking forward to this tonight. With it looking likely that Ponder will start, the Vikings will have a heavy dose of running. But outside of one game, the run game has been shit this year. I know the Packers are suppose to be equally bad at run defense, thanks in large part to Guion, but whatever. No team can overcome Ponder as a starter, let alone a Vikings team.
So, yeah, I’d expect a blowout in favor of the Packers. Want to take an over/under bet on 17 points? I’d go over.
Ed: Mmmmm… yeah, we’d go over too.
Finally, as usual, we also answered some questions for them. You can find those (and feel free to leave nasty comments) right here.