Former Minnesota Vikings turd Jared Allen is calling it a career. A lot of people will miss Allen and his antics. We are most certainly not among them.
Defensive end Jared Allen was asked about the Chicago Bears defense and how they’re going to be better in 2015. Well, Jared Allen thinks they’re still going to suck.
Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is a dipshit, but we didn’t know he liked feeling other dudes’ junk while on the field. Well, he does. Here’s his explanation for punching Ray Edwards in the balls.
Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is just so awesome! He’s awesome and totally cool in a way anyone who isn’t a dumb redneck just wouldn’t understand! In other words, he’s (still) a douchebag. And Minnesota Vikings fans still love him. You know, peanut butter and jelly.
We’re going to take a break from telling you everyone on the Green Bay Packers is injured to deliver some good news. Minnesota Vikings defensive end/sheep fucker Jared Allen will no longer be able to perform the traditional version of his sack celebration. You know, the one where he drops to one knee and pretends […]
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — it’s too good to be true. Well, unfortunately, it is. Everyone’s least favorite hillbilly/sheepfucker Jared Allen was indeed mauled by a dog. On the negative side, he was wearing protective gear when the mauling occurred. Allen took part in a training exercise with while in Afghanistan on a […]
We told you full-time asshat, part-time Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was getting married. Guess what? That obviously crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat bitch actually went through with it. So we all get to hear about Allen’s honeymoon, which was a camping trip to Arkansas stay on the coast of Italy. And just when you think Allen can’t […]
Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet. Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married. That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married. When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal […]
The Minnesota Vikings are getting aggressive in their crusade for a new stadium. Team owner Zygi Wilf met privately Thursday with state lawmakers at St. Paul’s posh University Club to discuss possible stadium bills, while Jared Allen spent that evening being, well, Jared Allen. The defensive end/attention whore/douche bag has become something of a poster […]
You know how much we love Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end and dumbass redneck Jared Allen, so we really couldn’t resist bringing you the latest news from the Sax Machine. First, comes this video in which you’ll see Allen utter these words: “I’ll break your fucking neck homeboy … and then I’ll write a check to […]